Epiphany of all Epiphanies!

Tonight I got smacked in the face with a realization that has never really computed before. 
First, I saw the following quote on a friend of mine's facebook page,

"Love yourself. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself and be good to yourself because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things. - Leonardo Buscaglia"  Thank you for posting this Andrea Canady Logan!!!

Then, this evening, I spent hours talking to and connecting with some women who I used to work with when I was teaching.  It felt so awesome to be interacting with them and catching up!  I hadn't seen one of them since I quit teaching in April, and I really enjoyed talking to her! 

You see, I came home from my evening with friends and had to "text or facebook" the host when I got here because it was after midnight and she wanted to be sure I had made it home safely.  I got online to do that and began chatting with another person who I had the privilige of getting to know as a colleague, who has also since left the teaching profession.  After chatting with her for a while, I went over to check into another online group that I have been in contact with for years.  All of a sudden it hit me.  I have been so far unplugged from my life because I've been too damn busy being plugged in to all the little technological devices that our amazing world has invented.  It seems I can't go a day without checking my 4 e-mail addresses, facebook, twitter, and other online connection groups.  As a result of all of this online social networking, I've not been the wife or mother that my husband and children deserve, or, quite frankly, that Krista that I deserve!! 

So, here's the plan to test this theory I have come up with.  It seems to me that if my life became so fragmented and unplugged when all these little techology decided were added into it, that removing some of them will free up a lot of time to get myself back on track and where I want to be as a person.  So, from now, until further notice, I will only allow myself to be on facebook or twitter, text or online at all, for that matter, during the hours that I am at work.  I will allow myself to blog each evening about this before I go to bed, which means, no computers, or cell phones or anything from the time I pull into my driveway, until I get ready for bed, typically around 11:00 in the evening.  When I log on in the evening, I will be limiting myself to checking the weather for the following day and updating my blog.  I am going to dedicate myself to getting healthy both physically and mentally in the new year.  Time to unplug all the stupid technology, and plug back into who I am as a person, and who I have always wanted to be. 

I am going to keep this commitment until June 1 of 2012, and hold myself accountable.  I can't say that I will "try" because as I have heard more times than I can count, thank you yoda, "There is no try, there is only DO!"  Trying gives one permission to fail, and seeing as how I've perfected that little manuever, it's time to perfect a new one....succeeding!!!!

Good bye, Krista of 1975-2011, Welcome, Krista of 2012 and beyond!!

Detour on my journey to health and fitness...this one is for self discovery!

Wow—where have the last 18 days gone?  Well, I can say, that the school prep here in the Blackburn household is a bit crazy and off-the-charts.  3 children in some version of school makes me want to cringe.  Justin has started 2^nd grade and LOVES his teacher, Mrs. Turner.  Ada went to Kindergarten testing last Thursday, but we won’t know who her teacher is until tomorrow or Tuesday.  Ella has the same 2 year old teachers that Ada had, and I love them so much.  Miss Pam and Miss Margot are unparalleled when it comes to loving children that they didn’t give birth to.  I have already warned them of Ella’s feisty attitude and behavior, and just hope that they aren’t driven to drink and require rehab before the end of the year. 

Thanks to all of the craziness, the exercise plan has kind of fallen by the way side, but I am back on track now, and will be staying there.  I went to Body Combat today, and it felt AMAZING!  I have to say, that a few weeks away from the workout routine means that I had some serious difficulty keeping up.  I should have used my inhaler, but didn’t, so now I’ve got that asthmatic cough/wheeze going on.  It’ll be good by tomorrow morning, just in time for me to go to Body Pump at 5:15 a.m. and dance class tomorrow night. 

Now is the fun part….I had no idea that a journey to health and fitness would take me down a road so fraught with self-discovery.  See, here’s the thing, I know for sure that I have spent way too much time, the majority of my 36 years making decisions based on what would make those around me the least offended.  I have never really known who I was for the most part, and when I have, I refused to follow what I wanted unless I had approval from the other people in my life.  Of course, there was the stereo-typical boyfriend the parents didn’t love and I didn’t break up with him, but I’m talking about more serious issues here.  I have come to the stark realization that 36 years of living this way has left me incredibly confused, depressed at times, and frequently lost and misunderstood by the people in my life.  I was once told I was flakey because I tended to start things and not finish them.  This is very true, but this has been a personality flaw of mine.  You see, I may not have ever wanted to do whatever it was I started and once the hype of the folks in my life past, I walked away since I never intended to be involved from the beginning.  Other times, I started something I wanted to do, but ran into loud objections from the people in my life so stopped those things because I didn’t have the support of those around me.  I have let this be such a huge part of my life, that I actually remember a time in college when I bought a pair of boots that I ABSOLUTELY LOVED!  I was so proud, and loved them so much.  A family member, and my boyfriend at the time both were very vocal about how much they disliked them, and couldn’t believe that I did.  I was told that they “weren’t me” etc.  Believe it or not, I actually returned the boots that I loved so much because of the disapproval I had encountered.  How ridiculous is this?  Well, it is time that I grow up and start living MY life.  The life that I want to live, and following my heart.  In that vein, I have registered for dance classes for the first time in about 20 years.  I will be taking Liturgical and Jazz on Monday nights.  I am starting my master’s degree in the fall, in middle grades math, and I even went and got my nose pierced the other day.  Why?  Simply because I wanted to.  I have wanted to for a long time, but again, didn’t due to the objections of some of the people in my life. 

So, I’m at the point where I’m half way through my year of health and fitness that I promised myself. I said that for my 36^th birthday I was going to give myself a healthy lifestyle, and get my weight to where I wanted it before my 37^th birthday.  I’m half way through the year, and currently have only lost 20 pounds of the 120 I wanted to lose.  (If you are thinking that I had lost more than that, you are right, but I’ve gained 6 pounds back at this point.)  I am back on the horse, and going to be very serious about this life choice because I refuse to spend another year of my life miserable, disappointed in myself, and uncomfortable every time I see myself in the mirror. 

Thanks for reading!

Krista

Day 10

Today is day 10, and I started it off at 5:15 in the gym.  I did an awesome class this morning and walked a mile on the treadmill.  I feel amazing for getting through the workout she gave us, and am making notes of what we did so that I can repeat the exercised by myself.  We did an amazing ab circuit and I feel great.  I have realized that every single day I am going to have to make the decision to do the right thing for my health and fitness, and I feel like today I definitely started in the right direction.  Now, I need to make good food choices all day, and it'll be another good day under my belt.  The endorphin high has obviously passed, but I am still going to have a GREAT day! 

I feel GREAT!!

Thanks for reading!

Krista

Days 2 and 3

Day 2 was uneventful, but a raging success dietetically!  (Is that even a word?)  I have started Weight Watchers, and am allowed 35 points/day.  Yesterday, I came in at 32 points, which is pretty good.

Day 3...well, to put it bluntly, sucks!  Before dinner I was at 42 points (which is okay, because it is the first day this week that I am using any flex points allowed by WW).  I haven't been back to the gym since Monday night, which is the most difficult for me.  I need to get back to regularly going to work out. 

This reminds me...Is it possible to have a 6-pack under all the fat I carry around my middle?  I'm pretty curious about this.  Here's why...Barney and I were working out at the gym the other night, and pretty much every exercise Joan had us do, she uad us engaging our cores to strengthen them.  Thing is, He was having some struggles, fell off the yoga ball while trying to do sit-ups, etc. and he was only able to do 20.  I was able to do 60 (20 straight, 20 to the left, 20 to the right).  I didn't feel anything at all that night or the next day.  So, my question remains.....Is it possible for me to have a 6-pack under the fat?!?! 

I would appreciate the input of anyone with any knowledge about this.  I'm stumped, and frustrated.  Am I working out wrong?  Am I not engaging the right muscles?  Or am I just really strong on the inside and a marshmallow on the outside?!?! 

Love y'all, thanks for reading!

Day 1

Okay---let's try this again.  The fact of the matter is, I have slacked off to a point that I am just NOT happy with what is going on with my body.  I have allowed myself to slip back into my really bad eating habits, and habits of laziness, lounging, etc.  TOday is day 1 of this journey....AGAIN!  I didn't eat all that great today, but we did make it to the gym this evening for our appointment with Joan (a personal trainer at the gym).  Joan showed Barney and I quite a few exercises that we can do together, and things that we can do alternating sets with the other.  I am already feeling it, and will feel it even more tomorrow, I am sure.  I think the most devastating part of today was that she used calipers to determine my body fat percentage, rather than the silly little maching that you hold out in front of you after entering your age, sex, height and weight.  According to the measurements she did today, I am currently at a body-fat percentage of 40.8.  UGH!!!  Not a good feeling, and definitely NOT a comfortable number to hear.  I have a VERY long way to go, and I will get there, no matter how many hurdles I have to jump over or obstacles I have to climb.  I will make it through this! 

A wonderful friend of mine (Thanks Chris) told me this weekend that he felt like I had an awesome heart and drive, and I just needed to get my head and body in agreement with my heart.  That's the thing...It isn't that my head and body don't necessarily agree with my heart, they do, it is because I have some very ugly tapes that play in my head on a daily, if not hourly basis.  I have to fight through the fact that every single minute of the day I tell myself that I don't deserve to be healthy, I don't deserve to be thin.  The biggest obstacle for me to overcome is going to be that negative self-talk.  If anyone knows any wonderful remedies for this, I'd love to hear them. 

As of now, my plan is simply to fake it until I make it.  I'm going to go to the gym at least 4 or 5 times a week, I'm going to attend classes and work out with my husband.  I am going to attend weight watchers and write down every single bite I put into my mouth.  I will be successful at this as I have been in many other aspects of my life.  Most-importantly, I am going to do my very best to be as gently with myself when I have small failures as I would be with anyone else that I love and am friends with.  I have found that I hold myself to a much higher standard than I do others in my life.  I forgive others far sooner than I forgive myself and that really isn't fair to me. 

You will notice that I entitled this post "Day 1".  I am doing this as a way of keeping myself accountable.  Please keep me on my toes, and if I don't post, feel free to ask me how my day went.  I am hoping to make posts on a daily basis....

So...the journey continues.

A HUGE moment of clarity for me!

Well, I have been struggling with the decision about whether or not to try out for The Biggest Loser, season 13, and yesterday, everything kind of piled up and smacked me in the face.  Darn reality checks....so, first, let me tell you about all the things that happened, then I will tell you about my decision.....

I have had a struggle internally since I first thought of applying for "The Biggest Loser" back in season 2 or 3, when Justin was a Baby.  My struggle then, now and every season in between was, "Would I really be able to leave my children for 4-5 months?"  I mean, let's be honest, being fit, healthy, in shape, and $250,000 richer would be AMAZING, but I just don't know that I could handle being separated from my kids for that long.  Last year I auditioned as a favor to my mom who was absolutely mortified that I had sought information about possibly having gastric bypass surgery.  She feared for my safety, so offered to pay for me to travel to the open casting call in Orlando, FL.  The CC was an amazing experience and I met some really amazing people both online and in person from this amazing experience...but the questions still remained. 

Yesterday, Barney and I went for our fitness assessment at the new gym we just started at, and met with a trainer who was absolutely AMAZING!  In our conversation, she talked about teaching us how to work out when we aren't with her, (something my previous trainer never once did, I can only assume his reason was to make me dependent on him so I had to continue to pay him and he would get richer as I got thinner.)  In that conversation she mentioned that the only "diet" she ever recommends is "Weight Watchers" because they actually teach you how to eat in a way that you can sustain for a lifetime.  She kept repeating the phrase, "All things in moderation".....

So last night, at  a bit before midnight I was perusing twitter one last time before bed, and came across a post from Olivia Ward who won BL11.  She had just posted a new blog (check out http://www.myfitspiration.com/) and I went over to read it before retiring.  Olivia was very honest about people questioning her about her workout regime and whether it would be sustainable for the remainder of her life.  I won't even try to share the entirety of her thoughts, but I did glean from it that she felt like what worked for her wouldn't likely work for everyone else, and that it was about finding balance in our lives.  She is going from working out 8 hours a day on the Biggest Loser Ranch to being home and only working out 90 minutes a day. 

In the very moment that I finished reading Olivia's post I instantly knew a few things:
1--I CANNOT leave my children for 5 months, regardless of my motivation for doing so
2--the transition back to reality after BL would be VERY difficult for me.  If I lost all of my weight and was successful, I would spend my life worrying about putting the weight back on and failing. 
3--Weight Watchers is my best option.  I have so much to lose, I'd rather do it here, in my own home, tucking my kids in every night.  My life is NOT about immediate gratification, at all, so what if it takes me a year or 2 to get the weight off, I'd rather do it that way than miss the time with my kids, including this Christmas. 

So, with all of that said, I will not be applying for The Biggest Loser season 13.  I admire all of the people who have gone on the show and successfully transitioned back to real life, but I am just not so sure I could handle that.  Besides that, I love my babies way to much to risk missing 5 months of "Justin Snuggles", "Ada Pats", and Ella running around like a wild woman.  With as many questions as I have about my ability to be away from them for that long, I refuse to take a spot from someone who knows they could handle it (assuming I was cast, which isn't all that likely) and then 6 weeks in missing my children so much that I choose to leave the ranch.  I get so angry when people on the ranch accept an amazing opportunity for training with the world's best, the possibility of winning $250,00 and then walk away because they can't handle it, or want to go home.  In Orlando last year, I stood in line with what I was later told ended up being around 5,000 people just to get a shot.  Knowing that it would be that big of a struggle for me to commit to, I won't even risk taking the opportunity from someone else.

Reality Check

So, the reality of my weight has really set in at this point.  I have lost 27 pounds and 39 inches since my casting call in March in Florida, which has me feeling really good.  I have gotten a lot of compliments on how much better I am looking.  The fact remains, that even with that much weight loss, I looked at the pictures from the beach this week, and reality just bitch-slapped me across the face.  Pardon my language, and I hope no one is offended, but that is truly the best description for how I feel right now.  I have been been relishing my progress, and been so proud of what I have done, and that has not changed.  I was very proud when I put my (maternity) bathing suit on and for the first time since having Ella, the skirt on the front of my maternity suit was so long it was noticable that my suit was a maternity suit.  It was also so long that the bottom was not visible. 

I looked in the mirror on the way to the beach one day and thought to myself, "you've come a long way, but dear LORD do you have a LONG way to go."  For the first time in my life I am NOT discounting the success I have had so far, but I am also being very realistic about the journey and how long it is going to be before I look like I want to look.  In an unheard of act of self-awareness (at least for me) I am going to post one of the pictures that slapped me back into reality about how much further I have to go on this insane journey. 

So--here it is, the picure from the beach that has woken me up to how much more work I have to do to get where I want to be.  This is also the reason that I have decided that I will definitely be auditioning for The Biggest Loser, season 13.  If I don't make it on to Season 13, I have every intention of being too small to audition for BL 14 if one exists.  So, here goes....

BL 13?!?!

They have just recently made some new announcements about The Biggest Loser 13 changes and casting, and I think I'm going to try 1 more time for the show.  They are doing a casting call in Charlotte, NC, a mere 3 hours from our house, and I can make the trip overnight and not incur huge expenses.  I would appreciate your support as I try 1 more time to get this much-needed help with my weightloss journey!

Krista

Decisions, Decisions

Well--I no longer work at the gym, and I have to say, that while I met some really amazing people there (including my new boss), It was probably one of the worst decisions I have ever made professionally.  I am thankful for the opportunity to meet my new boss, but the majority of my experience there was certainly NOT positive!  I was treated so poorly at the end of my employment, I didn't even finish working the notice I had turned in.  This is totally out of character for me, but when I am left in tears by mis-treatment and the management's response is simply "That's fine, you can't let that get in the way of doing your job.  Your work is unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances today." it is time for me to go.  I know that this isn't the way people behave in all gyms, but the behavior where I was working was frighteningly unprofessional in more ways than I can even discuss here. 

So--As of July 11, 2011, I will be working for ACS.  ACS is a subsidiary of the Xerox Corporation, and I will be working on outsourced benefits for some pretty big corporations that contract with ACS to administer their benefits.  It sound slike this job will be pretty fast-paced, and busy.  I think this is going to be an excellent opportunity, and the benefits are awesome. 

As for my weightloss journey, well, it has stalled a bit.  I'm still hovering right around 240-241, and the remainder of this journey is going to be far more difficult than the beginning.  I cannot afford to continue to pay a personal trainer, so I'm going to have to find a way to do this on my own.  If The Biggest Loser comes to the Carolinas to cast for Season 13 I will likely audition, otherwise, I will simply send in an application and a video.  The fact is, I've got to continue this journey, with or without help.  Both trainers I have worked with in the last few months have informed me that without their help, I'm certain to gain all of my weight back, plus some, and I REFUSE to allow them to be right.  I am still planning on registering for the Princess Half Marathon, which I will run on my birthday, February 26, 2012.  My 36th birthday gift to myself was heading out on the weightloss journey and getting healthy, and the culmination of that trip will be completing the half marathon.  I am going to do this....

If anyone knows a personal trainer in this are, willing to help out someone who is struggling and needs the support, Please feel free to give them my name and refer them to my blog.  I need help, but can't afford to pay for it right now. 

Thanks....until next time.....

Krista

Speed bumps....

The most difficult part of this darned journey to get healthy are the speed bumps in the road and tolls you have to pay to be on this journey.  These tolls and speed bumps serve as warning signs and speed traps along the way, and they are the most difficult part for me to "get over".  I really enjoy working out these days, I love to sweat, it feels good to get out of breath and know that I am doing something to help myself at this point.....the problem is, my speed bumps, tolls, and speed traps are all food related.  The fact of the matter is, my eating habits are the only reason that the scale isn't showing the decreases that I would like to see.  I need some serious help with food.  I am a foodie--I love to eat!!  I like how I feel when I eat sugary stuff, I hate to tell myself  "no" and I LOVE food about as much as my body hates it.  I eat what I want, only to feel like crap a few hours later and miserable the next day...then the guilt sets in.  "I'm a failure", "Why did I just do that?", "Why did I just let myself eat that?"  The sad part is, as smart and well-educated as I am, this is the biggest hurdle I have to overcome. 

I have a cruise to be on in 5 short months and would really like the reflection I see in the mirror to be one I am happy with.  I am supposed to be running a half marathon on February 26 of next year, but there isn't a chance in the world that I can run 13.1 miles at the 240.2 pounds that I am tipping the scales at at the moment.  I just have no idea how I'm going to get over this particular speed bump in my health and fitness.  The fact of the matter is, at this point, I'm not even eligible for individual insurance because of my weight (Even though I have NONE of the typical and expensive co-morbidities that go with Obesity). 

I NEED HELP!!!  So, I have decided to change personal trainers.  The new trainer is also a certified nutritional counselor.  This is an uphill battle for me with my history, as well as the fact that I have 1 child who has sensory integration disorder and can't eat meat, or pasta, or most anything except chicken nuggets, yogurt, cheese and chips without vomitting.  Add to that the next child who won't eat anything her big brother doesn't, and a job schedule that leaves my poor darling husband home 2-3 nights/week with 3 kids that he has to figure out how to feed, bathe and tuck into bed before their exhausted Mommy gets home and you have the perfect storm of circumstances for frozen, easy, overly-processed and preserved foods and you get a ridiculously unhealthy family!  This trend has GOT to change. 

I will gladly accept any advice that anyone has to offer with the exception of surgery or meal replacement shakes, and the like.  Surgery is a very good option for many people, but as a woman with a clotting disorder that makes it 120% more likely I will have a blood clot that the average person, major surgery is just NOT a good idea.  As far as the meal replacement shakes and things go, again, another valid option for many, but not something I can feesibly do for the rest of my life, so not something that will work long-term for me.

Thanks!

krista

Progress....

As anyone who has ever undertaken a new journey as large as the one I have started can attest, there are moments where you wonder if it is worth all the effort.  With weightloss, because you see yourself in the mirror every day, it is difficult to notice any changes.  I have started to feel drastically different in the last few weeks and I was wondering what changes, if any, were noticable to anyone else.  Well, massive changes are happening, and i now know that the changes MUST be visible. 

I started working out with my trainer in late February, right before my birthday.  We did my first measurements on March 1.  I weighed in at a frightening 267 pounds.  I have made drastic changes since then, and the results are very clear. 

1st, I finished a 5K last weekend, in a total of 50:49 minutes.  I had set a goal of finishing in under an hour, and obviously reached that.  I have also been bitten by the running bug, and am looking forward to a half marathon training program that begins at the end of this month.  I will be running a half marathon in February, and possibly in October. 

2nd, I have lost a total at this point of 26 pounds, so I am down to around 241.  I am about 1.4 pounds from the 230's, which is very, very exciting!

3rd, I have lost an eye-opening total of 38.75 inches off of my body in the last 3 1/2 months or so.  I fin that number hard to even process.  I have set a goal to lose 20" in the next month, and hopefully another 10-12 pounds. 

4th, and most importantly in my opinion, any time you make these kinds of drastic changes in your life, there will be times when things happen that make you want nothing more than what USED to comfort you, like eating away your sorrows.  The reality of it is, there is no amount of food, ice cream, or anything that will make the situation better or easier to deal with.  In fact, one of the best things to get stress in control is exercise.  So--from here on out, when I have a HORRIBLE day, like I had on Tuesday, I will choose to run/exercise instead of eating.

Krista

I need to get this off my chest....

So, the elephant in the room when someone talks about weightloss is always 1 of 2 things, "How did you let yourself get so big to begin with" or "I can't believe that you ate that" etc.  I am going to step outside of my normal comfort zone and rather than type about my weight-loss journey, I am typing this to the friends, family members and aquaintances of anyone who has ever had to undertake such a massive, life-changing experience.  You see, if you have never had to do something like this for yourself, it may seem difficult to understand, and I want for everyone to know what we, the overweight trying to change it, need from our friends and loved ones. 

1--It is not easy for us to exist every day in a skinny/healthy world in our current state.  The mere thought of going into a gym, or discussing our current health situation can and often does induce panic and anxiety that we are going to be judged which is one reason why so many of us have stayed this way for so long.  We know and understand exactly what we are, and what we must look like to people who have never had a weight problem, but the last thing we need or want is judgement.

2--This is a life-altering experience, one that is very difficult.  This is something that is going to have its ups and downs, just like anyone who is changing anything major in their life would attest to.  My particular situation is one that includes 36 years of horrible eating and exercise habits.  36 years of bad habits are NOT easy to overcome.  There will be times that we make bad decisions.  We will make bad decisions about our eating and exercise routines.  We will hit plateus, both physically and mentally.  You cannot possibly be any more let down or frustrated by these things than we are, so please don't judge or belittle us for them, please continue to show your support. 

3--If you don't know what to say, or even for a split second question the appropriateness of a comment you are about to make, don't make it.  It is hard enough to undertake this journey, small sarcasting and well-intended comments can easily send us into a tailspin of epic proportion.

4 and final--this is not easy!  If it was, there would be no audience interest in shows like "The Biggst Loser", "I Used to be Fat", "Heavy", etc.  This is an epidemic, and if it was easy to overcome, there wouldn't be enough overweight people in the world for these shows to be successful....just a though.

Thanks for reading....feel free to share with your friends and loved ones. 

Krista

Status Update!

Hey there!!  Well, I am pleased to announce that in the first 2 months of lifestyle changes, I have lost 21 pounds, and a total of 22 inches off my body.  I couldn't be any prouder of myself. 

I am working out an average of 5-6 times a week at this point, and may soon find myself featured on a "success wall" in the gym where I now work.  We were talking about doing a success wall to encourage the members/new members of the gym and show how awesome people can do!  I was the first person that came to mind for all in the room, which was flattering. 

On the job front....I sold 2 memberships today, added 2 people on to an existing member's membership.  I made almost $150 today in comission alone...YAY!! 

Krista

PSA about grandiose statements....

Consider this a public service announcement....when you make grandiose statements about what you are going to do, and how you are going to do it, the Devil will begin dancing on your doorstep and trying  fervently to keep you from succeeding.  Just remember to tell him to get behind you in the name of the God and he has no choice.....hard lesson for me to remember.

I am happy to report that things have gone pretty well this week, and am still enjoying my new job.  I have sold 2 memberships and have another appointment set up for next Thursday already.  I spoke to a very nice woman today who was interested in joining and wanted to compare us to another gym.  I really do feel strongly that she will be back, but I'm not 100% sure.  It has been really fun meeting and encouraging new and older members alike on their weightloss journeys. 

I have met the nicest girl at work, who I really enjoy talking to.  She is wise beyond her years, and truly enjoyable to talk to.  She it beautiful and genuinely nice to everyone she encounters.  I wish that I had had her confidence and self-awareness when I was her age, heck, I wish I had it now.  I'm still operating on a "fake it till you make it" mentality. 

Last thing is this....It is difficult to know someone's story based on sight.  I overheard a conversation in the gym yesterday about me, between 2 older gentlemen, and I use that term VERY loosely.  As I happened by them, and they didn't know I was coming I heard 1 guy say "I just don't get it...I wouldn't buy something from someone who obviously isn't using it themselves.  Who would buy a gym membership from an overweight woman?"  Well, I desperately wanted to turn around and confront his ignorance, but thought better of it.  I figure if he is ignorant enough to speak such things openly, my comments and remarks to him will almost certainly fall on deaf ears.  So, I decided to take the high-ground...I will just sit back and let him watch me shrink.  He doesn't know me, doesn't know my journey, and doesn't know how hard I have worked and am continuing to work.  So quite frankly, he can kiss my still rather ample hiney, and as it shrinks, and is harder for him to find, I will gladly mark the spot....What a jerk!!! 

Till next time....
Krista

Hello?!?! Hello?!?!! Yes, I'm still here.

Wow--the last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind. 

First--The end of my teaching carreer was difficult, but refreshing.  I have never left a job and felt so sure that it was the right thing to do.  The level of stress and anxiety in my daily life has been minimized to the point that I haven't had the chest pain caused by anxiety that has been a daily occurance in my life for the last 2 or 3 years.

Second--I have started my new job, and it is totally different, but really nice as well.  I have gotten to take the kids to school every day for the last 2 weeks (except when Barney and I were at the beach) and am spending more time with them.  It is inspiring to be in the gym all day, and I Love the fact that I am there 5 days/week to be able to work out.

Finally--BACKSLIDING SUCKS!!!!!  I wasn't able to work out last week, except for 30 minutes with my trainer.  Barney and I also went to the beach for a couple of days as an anniversary trip (tomorrow will be 8 years) and I didn't stress myself out about my diet or exercise....I should have stressed myself out about it.  I got on the scale this morning to find that I have gained 5 pounds in the last week.  In the past I would take this minor and annoying set-back as proof of what a horrible failure I am in life, and the fact that I obviously don't deserve to be happy/healthy.  Not this time!  I am done feeling that way about myself because the reality is, it just isn't true.  I AM worth it, and I DO deserve to be happy and healthy, and I AM NOT a piece of crap or a failure!  I am back on track and will be losing this weight from now on...I will NOT give up on myself...I have done that enough, and I deserve better!

TIll next time

Krista

Who's that girl?!?!

As time goes on, I am becoming more and more unrecognizable to myself.  Who is this girl that is going to the gym 5 times a week?  Who is this Krista who registered to run a 5K?  Who is this Krista?  The reality of it is, I am unrecognizable to myself.  I don't even know where to begin.  I don't know who I am anymore, but I love who I am.  I have never loved myself before, but I love the new Krista. 

I love that I have the confidence to sign up for my first ever 5K!

I love that I have the confidence to research cruises without the horrific fear of that meaning I would have to wear a bathing suit in front of thousands of strangers!

I love that I have the confidence to put my trust in God and allow him to lead me down this new career path in my life!

I love that my friends and family are being so very loving and supportive!

I love that my kids are learning from the example that I am doing my very best to show them!

I love ME.  I have never been able to say that with any guineness or belief, but I can today!  I love the Me that I am becoming on my 37th revolution around the sun, and I LOVE the woman that I will be phyically and mentally by the time I begin my 38th revolution around the sun! 

Good Night!

The Countdown is on!

Well, I have one of the 2 weeks notice necessary, and this week should be pretty easy.  We have a field trip on Monday, and Friday is an early release day which includes an awards ceremony for the third 9 weeks, followed by early lunch, brief recess and sending the kids home...so I basically only have 3 days left to teach.  The kids don't know anything yet about my job change as I was instructed that we would send home a letter to the parents on Thursday afternoon.  I feel guilty to some extent, for leaving, but I also know that what I am doing is the best thing for me and my family!  I have spent so many years living my life for the people around me and trying to please them, that it seems very strange to do something for ME!!

In other news, the working out and eating better are going pretty darn well.  I have had a few slip-ups here and there,  but when I got on the scale this morning, I had lost a total of 20 pounds since beginning this journey in late February.  I don't remember the exact date that I started, but I know it was after teh 19th of February, but before my birthday...so maybe the 21 or 22?  So in under 2 months I have lost 20 pounds, which is pretty impressive.  I am so please with the outcome of my workouts, the hard work, and how I have stuck to this.  My trainer pushes me past limits that I have put on myself and grins at me the whole time.  When I started this journey, He had more confidence in my ability to succeed than I did, but now, I have all the confidence in the world that I will be successful on this journey.  I am going to make it to my goal this time. 

My new job is going to make that even more likely because I will be in the gym 5 days/week, and I will work out every day that I am there.  I will have no excuse at all for not getting my workouts in!  I will continue to work with Chris and push myself beyond the limits I have created for myself.  I am so very excited about this journey and how it is going.  In fact, there is a group of people that I met through the facebook page of one of the casting directors for Biggest Loser.  We are going to stay in touch and support each other as we each have a minimum of 100 pounds to lose, and our goal is for each of us is to reach our goal weight before the Biggest Loser 12 Finale in late November, early December.  That means that I have about 7 or 8 months to lose the next 100 pounds.  It is going to be a tough journey, and one that I'm sure will be wrought with difficulties and times that I just don't want to do the right thing, but one that is totally worth going on! 

I will be the healthy woman that I long to be by the time I turn 37 for sure.  The way I figure it, I gave myself a chance at a healthy and fit life for my 36th birthday, and it is going to take the entire year to get there....For my 37th birthday, I'm going to run the Princess Half Marathon on my birthday weekend at Disney World, (Yes, I do realize that that means I need to run 13.1 miles).  After that, I may need some surgical intervention to remove the excess skin left over after being overweight for 16 years and having my skin all stretched out for that long.  I will likely have to have a tummy tuck to remove excess skin...and I'm rapidly developing bat wings from excess skin on my upper arms. 

Till next time.

Krista

Thank you!!!

Your prayers and my hard work and dedication at the gym have morphed themselves into a job offer.  I am incredibly excited about what the future holds for me, even though it is a HUGE leap outside of the box for me. 

I had a 2nd interview this evening at the gym for a membership consultant position.  I have never done a sales job before, but I feel incredibly confident that this will be a good fit for me.  As a result, my last day teaching will be no later than May 12.  It is hard to believe that I will be doing anything else, but with the stress of test scores, unrealistic expectations, stacked classes, and the fact that I'm averaging about 80 hours/week of work, I really think the best thing for our home-life would be to leave teaching.  I am so excited about what the future holds...

As far as weightloss this week, well, it didn't go so well.  I gained some weight...but thanks to hormones, stress and not being in the gym for 3 days, I gained 4 pounds...but, I am back on track today.  I went and did Zumba tonight, Body Combat tomorrow night, then personal training w/Chris, body pump on thursday, cardio interval on Friday and another training session w/Chris.  In better news, I did burn nearly 3,000 calories today, and ate about 1200, so I got about a 2800 calorie burn in today!  YAY!

Krista

Biggest Loser Cruise

So--I would really love the opportunity to go on The Biggest Loser cruise and get to meet Bob Harper and have the opportunity to work out with him, even if it is among 2500 other passengers.  There are a few things that have to fall into place perfectly to make this a possibility.  I really can't say a lot, but if some changes that I'm hoping for come to fruition, I might just be able to swing it.  A good friend of mine told me on facebook to ask for donations, which I don't feel comfortable with.  I do, however, feel comfortable asking that everyone pray for the changes that I am hoping for to happen so that I can work it out financially. 

I appreciate all of your support on this crazy difficult journey to health, and need some prayers as well. 

Thanks to everyone ....Until next time

Krista

1st ride, a smashing success!!

First ride of the year and I couldn't be more proud of myself!!  I made it right at 10 miles, and just under 12mph average for the duration of the ride.  My highest milage ever was 18 miles, but my average speed on that ride was a bit under 10mph, so I've picked up somee speed.  I could have done more distance today had there not been a massive and nasty headwind! 

I will be back on the bike again next Monday night, and on Wednesday and Friday night at the gym as well.  Going to try alternating the bike and treadmill to give my calves a break. 

Krista

So here are the first pictures of me.  The first was taken March 5, following the Biggest Loser Open Casting Call. 

This picture was taken on the 28, so only 23 days later, and the changes are very noticable in my face, etc:

I have lost an additional 5 pounds this week, for a total of 16.  Going to be changing up my workouts a little bit, so I'll be anxious to see how things go from here.  Continuing to work very hard, even though doing so while working full time is a HUGE chore.  The results are totally worth it!

Krista

Beyond excited!!

Mom and I were out and about doing some shopping and stuff and our last stop was at Walmart.  I have been trying to find a simple, inexpensive dress to wear on the beach when Barney and I renew our vows in a couple of weeks.  I saw a cute dress hanging there, one problem, it was hanging in the Misses department, not the Women's Plus Sizes.  So, went over to see how big it came...DRAT!  only as big as a size 16.  Well, what do I have to lose, it is only $14, so I picked up the size 16 and headed to the dressing room to see how far away I was from fitting into this adorable dress.  Imagine my surprise when I not only got it on, but it fit nicely, over my workout pants, and looked pretty cute, considering.....I couldn't be happier!!

So, in typical Krista fashion, those of you who know me, know what happened next....that's right, I stood right there in the Walmart dressing room and cried!  Hey, it is one of the things I do best.  I am so excited.  It felt so good, I can't help but continue to push myself down this amazing path of health and fitness!

Till next time

Krista

The saga continues....

I went to the gym this evening to sign up for some additional training.  I have 20 more sessions, which if my math is correct, means they will last me 2 sessions/week until the last week of school (June 9th or so).  I will be doing cardio every day, working out with Chris 2 days/week, and taking classes at the gym as well.  I have got to take full advantage of this opportunity and get my health and my life back.

Random Middle of the night Ramblings!!

Trying to figure out what I will do to be able to continue working out with the best trainer in the world...Chris Mitchell. 

I noticed tonight that for the first time in the recent (memorable) past, my belly doesn't stick out past my chest....eve w/o a properly supportive bra on!!!  (This is a huge victory for me!)

If I was to continue losing 10 pounds/month for the next 12 months (a fairly realistic goald since that is about 2.5 pounds/week) I will be at my goal weight of 135 by my 37th birthday!! 

Part of me really wants to donate all of my winter clothes to goodwill or something since I desperately want to believe that I will need an entirely new wardrobe next fall in a far smaller size, but I'm just not quite that confident yet.

I had a HUGE awakening today.  I realized that my negative attitude about myself, can sometimes be interpreted by those that I interact with as an overall negative attitude.  I have never felt negatively about anyone other than myself, so the realization that my personal displeasure with myself in the past has been read as an overall negativity was upsetting and enlightening at the same time. 

I have got some MASSIVE work to do! 

Till next time!

Krista

It really is true...I'm shrinking, and at record pace apparently!!

I couldn't be any prouder than I am at this moment.  I have worked my butt off for the last month + and the results are definitely worth it.  I don't totally understand everything that Chris told me today, but her is what I remember:

Starting weight, 267, today 257
Starting lean body mass, 133, today, 120

I have lost a total of 15 3/4 inches in the last month
Body fat % then, 48, today, 46

There were spefics based on each body part...I think, if I remember correctly, I lost 5" in my waist and 3 in my hips.  I don't remember the rest. 

My trainer says that he has NEVER, in 22 years had a client lost 15+" in 1 month, and he measured me 3 days early.  I will get weighed again April 25 or so...Let's see if we can't lose even more weight in this month, and another 15".  That would ROCK!!

Krista

BREAK TIME!!

After nearly a month of working out 4-6 times per week and am still stuck at a weightloss of 7 pounds for the year.  I am really getting to a point of frustration, but I WILL NOT allow it to make me quit my journey to health.  I am going to keep on this journey regardless of how long it takes me to reach my goal!  All that being said, I am taking a break today.  My birthday was a month ago and we are having my birthday dinner today at my mom's house.  Swiss steak, Mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, and lemon cupcakes with lemon icing.  As I continue on this journey, the reality is that there will be times when I don't follow this new eating style, like on my birthday, so I don't feel guilty for doing it.  I will definitely eat less than I normally would, and will be at the gym tomorrow to work off anything I eat.  I'm also going to be changing up my workout routine.  So--here's what my new workout routine is going to look like. 

I will be up daily at 5:30 to workout.  If I am taking a class at the gym that evening, I will be walking on the treadmill, but if I am not going to be taking a class that evening, I will be doing one of the large number of workout DVD's, like Tae-Bo, Biggest Loser, etc. 

Back on the new eating habits tomorrow....Working out every day except Sunday from here on out.  The other part is that I will be ordering a Bodybugg, or a similar piece of technology to help me track my calories burned on a daily basis. 

Krista

The new me is is starting to speak louder than the old....

Ok, so I have never been very good at taking a compliment.  I've always said "Thank You" as genuinely and pleasantly as possible, immediately followed by an explanation of why the compliment wasn't warranted...something like this, Anonymous person: "I LOVE your sweater."  Me: "Thanks...It is my sisters, She picked it out and let me borrow it."  You see, I would never allow myself to be that the compliment was genuinely meant FOR ME!  I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but today, I was paid a compliment and I just said, "Thank You".  Ridiculous, I know, but there wasn't even any internal dialog to say, "yeah, thanks, but you know he didn't meant it for you...he was just being nice to you, you don't deserve that compliment...get over yourself."  For the first time in my life, or at least that I can remember, I said thank you and there was no self-defeating internal dialog following it.  I thought about it later, and was kinda freaked out by it. 

Krista

Who said I couldn't? Because I won't say it ANY MORE!

So, picture me, at 255 pounds trying to run.  It isn't easy, and it for darn sure isn't pretty...but I CAN do it.  I have thought about running a half marathon, and there is one in November, 8 months away.  The old Krista keeps trying to rear her ugly head and convince this new, confident Krista that that just ISN'T possible.  Now, picture me last night, watching the TV show, "Heavy".  If you haven't seen the show (it airs on A&E Monday nights at 10) they basically send 2 people to Hilton Head Health in SC for 6 months to re-learn how to eat, how to work out, how to go grocery shopping, basically, how to live!  So on the 1st day, one of the folks told the trainer, on the break he required on the way to his villa because he couldn't walk that far without stopping to breathe, that he wanted to run a half marathon in 6 months.  The trainer was shocked, and even went so far as to say that she didn't think this particular contestant, who weighed 517 pounds had any idea what it took to run a half marathon.  After 6 months there, he had lost 168 pounds and did, indeed run/walk a half marathon, at 350 pounds.  At that very moment I was completely pissed off at myself.  How is it that at 100 pounds less than this gentlemen, I have the audacity to tell myself, or anyone else for that matter, that I can't do that?  I have a brand new fire and a brand new perspective on my life and working out.  To Hell with "I can't"  it has been replace with "I will!"  I WILL do this, I WILL, run a half marathon in November, I WILL run a 5K in June, I WILL weigh less at the end of the year than I did when I graduated from high school, and most importantly, I WILL be the best role model that my children deserve as it pertains to a healthy lifestyle!!

I WILL.....

WOW~~Thought provoking quote from Ruby Gettinger's book

Okay--so as a woman who has always seen myself as being overweight (even when I really wasn't) I have been frustrated by the struggle to be "thin".  My grandmother, as a show of suppport and love once told me that if God had intended me to be skinny, I wouldn't have to work so hard at it.  It hurt my feelings at the time, and I have often wondered why I had to be the one that was overweight.  Well, Courtney, from the Aqua team on Biggest Loser this year, just posted this quote from a book written by Ruby Gettinger.  The quote was awe inspiring and thought provoking at the same time.  I had never consciously thought of this , but it is making me think now....HEre is the quote:

"Sometimes I wonder what I might say if God came to me tomorrow and asked, "If you could go back in time & I could make you fat or small...what would you choose?" Well, the answer just struck me and I know it to be true. I would say I'd rather be the same, Lord. I choose big. I know that sounds crazy beause I am spending every second of my life fighting to get small. But I truly believe being overweight has made me a better person. It has let me sit back and observe things, see people for what they are. It has made me not take things for granted; I appreciate every single thing in lifeso much because of it. Really I do. I see beauty all around me because I have had to sit out on the sidelines for so long. It's a hardship, yes, but the view from those sidelines is also beautiful. Most people are too busy running around, never taking the time to stop, think, or feel. I do. I have. And it's because of my size that I have done this. I don't judge people; I love them unconditionally because I try to see what's beyond their shell. Walking in the shoes I've walked in has made me a better human being. So yes, God, I thank YOU for giving me this challenge and this gift. I don't see it as a curse like some people might. I see it as a BLESSING. It is good to have been where I have been, good to be where I am now, and good to be going where I know I'm headed. Plain & simple -- it's good to be ME!" ----R.G.

Now--I can't say that I totally agree, because I would love to have never had this particular struggle in my life, but her perspective is one that I certainly share.  I have had more than one boyfriend in my life express concern about my losing weight because of the attention that they feel I would garner as a healthy, attractive woman.  I have always felt that, for example Barney, who loved me and married me even has an overweight woman deserves just as much love and respect even if others begin to express interest after I have been successful in this "battle of the bulge".  I'm not just going to all of a sudden walk away from Barney and the love and respect he has shown me for the last 9 years just because I'm getting attention from folks who wouldn't have given me the time of day as I am right now. 

I will say that I feel like I have a better understanding of who people truly are, because I know that people who are interested in talking to me are genuinely interested in me and knowing ME because they aren't interested in me just because of my looks.  So I do know a bit about who people really are. 

Is it stamped on my forehead?

I can't help but wonder if there is a stamp on my forehead visible only to other people, more specifically, larger women who are wondering about personal training.  Twice in the last few weeks I have been approached by women at the gym who saw Chris training me and either wanted to offer their support or ask questions about whether personal training is worth it.  I have come to the conclusion that I appear very approachable in most aspects of my life.  There is 1 particular arena where I think I am assumed to be less approachable, just because I am not 100% comfortable there.  I feel like the place that I would normally be the most uncomfortable, isn't the place that I actually am.  This is a HUGE wake-up call for me. 

I am finding a new part of myself.  Chris has already pushed me well beyond the limitations I thought I had, proving to me that I can do far more than I give myself credit for.  I am figuring out that my approachability makes me an asset in the place that I usually feel the least comfortable, the gym.  I am starting to feel like I can be an example to other overweight women, who feel overwhelmed at the the thought of working out.  It is very hard to walk in the gym every day, wondering if you will be the largest one there....but I know I won't be the largest person there for long, especially with as hard as Chris is pushing me. 

There is absolutely NO CHANCE IN HELL that I will be giving up on myself again!  I have done it far too often, and what I have come to realize is that I am the only person who gives up on myself.  Everyone else believes in me, and it is about damn time I joined them.  So, if you were used to the weak, insecure Krista that I have been for the last 30+ years, I'm sorry to inform you that she is GONE!  She will not be making a return any time for the res of my life. 

Till next time!

Krista

Ahhhhh, sweet success

I got on the scale this morning and was very pleased to see that I was back down to the 257 pounds that I weighed before leaving for Orlando last week.  I worked hard to get the weight off and will continue to work.  I still have approximately 122 pounds to my ultimate goal.  I have lost a total of 6 pounds this year, and only been working on it for about the last 3 weeks.  I know I can do this. 

I am seriously considering the 17 day diet plan.  I have heard that it is fairly simple to follow works well.  Anyone had any experience with it?  Please share if you have.

Krista

Changes aren't just physical...

Okay--so I have started to notice some changes to my body physically, but I am even starting to notice some mental/attitude changes as well.  I have noticed that I am carrying myself differently than I have.  I'm not looking at the ground all the time when I walk anymore, I'm carrying myself more upright than usual.  I also walked into LA Boxing for class today, and though a bit freaked out because I didn't know what was going to happen, I wasn't self conscious at all.  I didn't feel out of place, nor did I care what the folks around me looked like.  The fact is, I have come to realize that while I may be the biggest girl in the gym right now, if I keep coming, that won't last long.  I will eventually be in shape, and may be able to help others who are intimidated when they walk through the door.  I've never been a person with a ton of self confidence, but I will say that my self confidence is growing with every day at the gym.  I am enjoying working out, and even enjoying being sore in the evenings.  I just KNOW that being sore means I worked hard that day, and that it will pay off!  It will pay off physically, mentally and on the scale! 

Krista

EEEP!!!!

I looked at my calves this morning, and they are actually starting to get rather defined....YAY!  My biceps feel good too, however, it is not obvious visibly, yet.  Exciting to start seeing changes in my body!!

A tiny bit of validation....

Today at the gym was pretty darn rewarding.  I am doing pretty well, and Chris tells me all the time that I am a machine and that I WILL do this.  I laughed today when I told him that I hated him and he said, "you might right now, but you'll love me this summer, and you'll worhsip me come Christmas."  I couldn't be happier with how hard he is pushing me, and the fact that I am meeting every challenge he has put in front of me thus far. 

Today's training session was all about arms.  I know for sure now why boxers have ripped arms and backs.  We started with boxing today, and my shoulders, arms and upper back are definitely screaming at me still.  Then we headed over and wrapped a resistance band around a pole so I could use the resistance while punching.  Then I got to balance on a Bosu ball with my legs bent, then step on and off with alternating feet.  With ankles like mine, this is most definitely no easy task!  Next up were curls with 8 pound dumbells.  First I did alternating arms, then both arms at the same time, then just held the dumbells with my arms curled.  After that, Chris put a 45 lb. dumbell on the floor and told me to squat and pick it up, stand up.  I had to do this 10 times with my butt down and stand all the way up.  I got a 10 second break before I did 10 more reps and we repeated this 3x.  I had no idea until I was done, but apparently I had an audience.  2 girls who are far more fit than I am were staring, Chris noticed and I heard them say they were impressed.  Chris informed them that I was a machine and would be signing autographs in 3 months.  I don't know about all that, but I will say, it felt really good and was just the validation I needed today!

I am going to win the battle of the bulge!  If you don't believe in me, please feel free to bug off, and I'll let you know when I'm serving the crow for dinner.  The way I figure it, BL 12 finale is in late-November or early December, and by then, I should be able to host a viewing party, complete with a dinner of Crow for the skeptics in the crowd who didn't believe in me.

Till next time.

krista

Let's get it all out there......

First, I want to update everyone on the weekend whirlwind.  I got up at 5:15 on Saturday Morning to get ready to go to the casting call.  I left the Hotel at 6:20, but didn't get there until 7:00 because I got lost and turned around and ended up going toward Disney World, rather than Universal Studios.  At 7:00, the earliest they want you to line up, I was #172 in line.  Not bad considering there ended up being between 700 and 1000 people at the casting call.  I got into the room for the interview at around 11:45 or so, and there were 3 tables with 10 people at each one.  We were in there for maybe 17 minutes or so and each person was just asked to introduce themselves by saying their name, age and occupation.  Our Casting Director, Frank, asked us a few additional questions from there, and we were done in no time.  Then, the waiting...They didn't post until around midnight that they had called everyone they were going to call for 1-on-1 interviews so I basically waited 12 hours to find out that I didn't have a chance at being cast on BL 12. 

Now--let me expalin a bit about my blog, and my motivation for doing this.  I have received a few e-mails from folks thanking me for inspiring them to get back into the gym, or take care of themselves.  That makes me very proud, but was never my motivation for doing the blog.  You see, I am 5'2" and weigh 261 pounds as of today.  I need to be accountable in some way, and want to document this journey that I am on.  I know that lots of people are overweight and want to lose it, so I thought this would be a nice way for them to help me see this through.  After all, I have about 131 pounds to lose, a little over half my body weight, and that isn't going to happen over night, nor is it going to be really easy to do.  I am going to need a lot of support and encouragement to reach this goal, as I haven't seen that # on the scale since about 8th or 9th grade.  I have no desire for my "15 minutes of fame" and any such ridiculousness, but just want to be accountable to my friends and family. 

So--as of today, I have 131 pounds to lose.  I have set a goal that I will be most of the way there by the night that the Biggest Loser Season 12 finale airs.  I am going to dedicate myself to working out and getting healthy.  I am going to weigh myself on Tuesday mornings, before getting dressed or going to work.  I will take pictures of myself throughout this journey and will come here to let everyone know how I am doing.  So--starting now--this is ALL ABOUT ME!!!  I have 3 kids to get healthy for, a husband who I desperately want to feel sexy for, and a long life to live!  The first thing I need to do is go find a "goal outfit in a size 8.  My personal trainer, Chris, swears I can be wearing a size 8 by Christmas.  Part of me feels like believing this will set me up for yet another failure, but the other part of me desperately wants to believe that it is possible.  I guess we will see.  In order to get to this goal, I will need to average about 14 pounds of weightloss/month.  There are 43 weeks left this year, so I need to average about 3.4 pounds/week of weightloss.  These numbers seem very doable....so I will keep that in mind. 

Please offer your support and advice as I had down this long and arduous road. 

Thank you, Krista

Final Preparations

I am sitting here in my hotel room, going through a million things in my mind to remember for tomorrow.  I don't even know what to think right now, but am a combination of excited, scared and anxious all at the same time! 

I will be waking up at 5:15 in the morning to get ready and be there early to get in line.  They say not to line up before 7:00 but my understanding is that not many folks listen to this so even getting there at 7 should put us a ways back in the line. 

I hope it goes well, but whatever the case may be, it will be God's will, and in his time, not mine!  I already know that if I don't get chosen for the show I have a good trainer to push me, but I really feel like I need this opportunity to concentrate on ME and quit putting myself at the bottom of the priority list. 

Enjoy tomorrow--I'll check in afterwards.

Krista

Wowie, Zowie, Owie!!

I talked to my personal trainer today and he told me I need to be between 1200 and 1400 calories  on a daily basis.  He kinda gave me crap about the fact that I cheated a bit on my diet this week.  He says that part of him wants to be greedy and keep me here, but part of him wants me to get onto the ranch and The Biggest Loser.

In other news, I missed my appointment on Friday night with another trainer, Michael, and trust me when I tell you that he made me pay for it in a BIG way today.  I doubt I'll be able to walk tomorrow.  Both Chris and Michael believe in putting cardio into your resistance training work-out to keep your heart-rate up and help you to lose more weight.  Well, they both are fans of having me run sets of stairs between weight lifting reps, and I have to say, my legs are KILLING me!  I think I'm going to start running up and down stairs at the house to get better at it, because those trips up and down the stairs are hurting me in a big way. 

I read yesterday that for every 10 pounds extra you carry around, you put 40 extra pounds on your knees.  So if I'm 130 pounds overweight, I am putting an extra 520 pounds of pressure on my knees...I don't doubt the validity of this because every time I go up and down those steps, I feel like my knees might explode! 

I really like Chris and Michael and truly feel that if I don't make The Biggest Loser, I can trust that they will help me to reach my weightloss and fitness goals. 

Till later

Krista

Seriously? Yah, Happy Birthday to me.

Seriously?  Okay--so I have worked out with my new least favorite friend, Chris (j/k) 3 days, and I can not lift my arms, my arms back, quads and calfs are so sore, I feel them all with every step.  I denied myself cheesecake on my birthday, and only ate half of my dinner in an effort to cut calories and get on  the road to weightloss.  I have averaged under 1100 calories the last 3 days, and worked out at least 30 minutes a day--how much weight have I lost?!?!  NONE!!  NOT 1 POUND!!!

I swear, this is a never-ending battle for me and one that is frustrating as all hell!  Why is it that I can't see the slightest budge in the scale from week-to-week when I need and want this so badly?  I know I can do this, but I just don't know how and when it is actually going to happen. 

Enough whining, time to go eat my oatmeal and a banana for breakfast.....not giving up, no matter how long this road is, or how long it takes!

WOW--I think Chris is my personal version of Bob

I started working out with a new personal trainer last night, named Chris.  He has been a personal trainer for 22 years, and I think he must have worked with Bob Harper, because he is about to KILL me!  Today was round 2 and after having me run stairs and lift weights for 30 minutes, he put me on the treadmill for 20 minutes at 2.2 mph and an incline of 5.0. 

Last night Chris told me that I had to stop saying "I can't", which is ironic because I don't let my students say "I can't".  He reminded me that words are very powerful, which is true, and forbade me from saying it again in his presence.  So, after kicking my butt on what he calls super sets, incorporating resistance and cardio, he put me on the treadmill, and told me to walk for 20 minutes.  He went to work out another client and I was left to my own devices on the treadmill.  I would really like to know why, but my brain started telling me "you can't do this, what are you thinking?  Get off this treadmill, NOW, or I am going to make you throw-up!!"  I gave in at the 7 1/2 minute mark and got off the treadmill.  I went to get a drink of water and was headed for the door, when I saw Ella in the child care room and remembered that one of my big motivations for doing this is to get healthy and be a good role model for my kids!  I can not allow myself to quit.  so, I got back on the treadmill and walked for an additional 15 minutes!!  This is going to be a long, tough journey, but anything worth having is worth working for.

I forgot the best part.  Chris asked me last night to go buy a "goal outfit".  I told him I already had one, my concert black dress from college.  He asked me what size it was and I said, "16", he laughed and told me I'd be wearing that this summer.  He wants me to go to Target or Kohls and buy a goal outfit in a size 6 or 8.  This idea is completely laughable to me, because I cannot remember the last time I fit into single digit sizes.  I'm going to do it because he told me to, but it is definitely a HUGE leap for me to believe that I will be wearing those sizes...Oh, and he says I'll be in that goal outfit by Christmas.....Here's hoping!

The story of my life....

So, I have been weighing myself and participating in a weekly weigh-in group.  I had lost 7 pounds from the beginning of the year until last Sunday, but knew that some of my weightloss was attributed to being too sick to care about eating.  This week has been a very tumultuous one, with lots of emotions and things that I do NOT enjoy dealing with.  I can't pin-point a specific instance of eating emotionally this week, but since I gained 2 pounds, I'm guessing I did something I shouldn't have. 

As those of you know me can attest to, when I want something, I become fixated, almost obsessed with it, until I either get it or get told "NO!"  well, this biggest loser thing is killing me!  I am following a number of the casting directors on Facebook, and every little update gets me excited.  I am 2 weeks away from going to audition and just can't wait.  My life feels like it has been turned on its head lately, and I could really use something constructive to hang on to! 

So--here we are, 7 weeks into the new year and I've lost a total of 5 pounds since the beginning of 2011.  I'm not exactly making headway toward my goal of losing 120 pounds...UGH!!

Krista

Oh, the drama....

Okay, so since I have started applying for "The Biggest Loser" I have approached it much in the same way that I take on any new task....I have gone everywhere I could think of and scoured every inch of internet space I could find about how to get on the show.  Let me just say, that doing so has left me a bit overwhelmed, and even surprised by some people out there.  Now, I'm not here to judge, but it is one of those things like, "Why do we need to tell people in the McDonald's drive thru that the coffee that they order is, indeed, hot?"  You see, some people apparently don't have any social skills at all. 

Case-in-point...I have found a Facebook page for one of the casting directors of The Biggest Loser and one of the many things that she had to request, sadly enough, is that people not bombard her page with self-promotional stuff because she uses it as an avenue to keep Biggest Loser hopefuls up to date on what is happening in the Biggest Loser casting process.  Being a text-book rule follower, I have done exactly as asked, but imagine my surprise when someone who hasn't been around talking to other hopefuls about her application or video process jumps onto the page, posts a video link and prefaces it with "This is NOT a self-promotional video.....I got a VIP pass to a casting call because of this video, so if you want to get on the show, watch my video and use it as your model."  I mean, really?  The casting directors have repeatedly posted that they want everyone to "BE YOURSELF" in your audition tape, so clearly, copying her video would be me, acting like her.  Clearly, that won't work.....Then, she goes out on the discussion board where people have asked for feedback and starts tearing apart the videos that people have posted out there asking for feedback, and starts ripping them apart, comparing hers to theirs, etc.  She has started a blog with Biggest Loser polls for hopefuls to weigh in on, and even listed her own casting tips...This level of brazenness dumbfounds me, to be quite honest.  I mean, I'm glad she got a VIP pass and everything, but if you read the casting directors posts, this doesn't mean she is a shoe-in for the show.  All the VIP pass means is that you don't have to wait in line for hours on end, you get to show up at noon, and go to the front of the line at that point.  I won't even go into my editorial comments on her audition video.  Let's just say, my Mommy told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all, so I'm pleading the 5th on her video. 

Why can't people just go through the process, take it for what it's worth, and move on?  BTW, I can't imagine that I will audition for the biggest loser more than this season.  You see, I would love the help, the time, and the resources that are offered at the Biggest Loser Ranch.  I would love to have Bob kick my ass in the gym, and have Cara teach me how to box, its something I have always wanted to learn.  But if I'm being 100% honest with myself, I know that something drastic has got to change to get me healthy.  In my humble opinion, that doesn't mean that I keep applying to be a contestant on the Biggest Loser until I get on and get to avail myself of those resources, it means that I'm going to audition, but if I don't get on, I'm not going to sit back and let some casting director who lives in Hollywood decide what my future holds, or more importantly, how much I will weigh when I get there.  I really WANT and NEED this opportunity, but if I don't get it, I'm going to kick my own ass until it shrinks down to the appropriate size.  I'm tired of being fat....and no one has more power to change that than me!

Until next time....

Krista

Sunday Check-in

So--as I wait to find out if I will get to be on "The Biggest Loser" I have joined an accountability group that will let me weigh in and be responsible for what I eat.  I weighed in this morning and found that I was down to 256 pounds, with is a total of 7 from where I was at the beginning of the year, and 4 from last Sunday.  The problem is, I'm keenly aware that I haven't eaten remotely normally this week because of being sick, so the liklihood is that once I am feeling better, and able to eat again, those pounds will come right back on.  I hope not, but we will have to wait and see. 

As for now, I'm at 5'2" and 256 pounds.  My goal is to get down to 135 pounds...so this will likely be a LONG journey.

Krista

The Incredible Shrinking Krista

Okay--so I haven't been the most effective blogger in the past, but this is going to be a form of accountability for me.  I have made the decision to pursue the possibility of getting onto The Biggest Loser, season 12.  I had started to research the possibility of having weightloss surgery, only to find that my clotting disorder that I suffer from makes me an even higher risk candidate for the surgery than the average person.  I have 3 babies that I brought into this world, and doing something that would increase the risk of them losing their Mommy is just not something I am comfortable with. 

So--here's where things are at the moment--

I have completed and e-mailed my 15 page application to be on The Biggest Loser, as well as my audition video. 
you can find my audition video here if you would like to watch it:  http://www.youtube.com/user/fludderby75#p/a/u/0/hk3crHyi9H8

I have reservations at the Econo Lodge in Orlando, Florida to attend the open casting call there on March 5.  From my understanding, you go and wait in line for your opportunity to meet with the casting director.  You will be called in in groups of 10 or so for 5-7 minutes with the casting directors. At that time you will turn in an abbreviated version of the application, as well as pictures of you at a lower weight, and what you look like now.  Once that is over, the casting directors make calls that evening before 9 or 10 p.m. to the people that they liked and invite them back for one-on-one interviews on Sunday.  Once that happens, if you are called back for an interview, you wait to see and may be invited to a "finals week" in CA. 

If I do not get a call back at the audition, I will still be taking as many steps as possible to get this weight off on my own.  I need to lose this weight so that I can be as healthy as possible.  My kids deserve the mother that I should be, not the overweight exhausted mother that I currently am. 

Follow me in my journey to lose 130 pounds and get myself healthy!

Krista