The Incredible Shrinking Krista

Monday, December 31, 2012

Knowledge is POWER!

I have always said that I didn't really know what I was doing with food, what to eat, when to eat, and I needed to take an intellectual approach to learning because it is not something that is beyond my ability to know, comprehend and put into place.  I have done a lot of reading, and while some folks still would like for me to believe that the only option I have to lose the amount of weight I'd like to use is surgery, either lap band, sleeve, or full-on gastric bypass, I know that I haven't done everything in my power to make the changes necessary so I'm going to put my knowledge into practice and see what happens.

I still haven't been feeling all that confident with my new eating philosophy which is one of the reasons I haven't really put it into full effect just yet.  Then, the other night, at my aunt's house, my cousin who is the last one not enlisted in the Army was talking about how he still needs to lose another inch off his weight before he goes back to be re-measured.  He explained that he is eating broccoli for his afternoon snack, and only 1 meal/day and working out every night to burn off the calories he had eaten that day.  I launched into this long-winded, and very educated sounding explanation of why this theory was failing him.  I explained that eating 1 meal/day had his body in starvation mode, and that your body is like a furnace.  I told him he should be waking up early and exercising in the morning because doing so kick-starts your metabolism.  Then I explained that he should be eating 6 small meals, about every 3 hours throughout the day.  This "stokes the fire" of your metabolism and keeps it in high gear for the remainder of the day.  I told him that by being in starvation mode he was defeating his purpose and would actually hold onto weight, rather than losing it.  I also explained to him that he needed to be putting high quality fuel in his furnace, eating meats, fresh fruits and vegetables and no processed shit.

I realized after this long-winded rant what a hypocrite I looked like.  Here I am saying that I don't understand what I need to do to get this weight off and lecturing my cousin about how to lose the weight to get into the Army.  I guess my lack of knowledge is no longer an acceptable excuse, and I now need to decide whether I'm willing to actually put that knowledge into action.  The simple answer.....HELL YES!!!

As a side note--For the first time in years, I bought an XL sweatshirt, and it fits!!!  It is only fitting that the first XL shirt I bought is a CrossFit APX shirt.  The people that are so instrumental in the changing of my life.  YAY!!!

Friday, December 28, 2012

The New Year

I have been thinking a lot about my New Year's Resolutions and have made quite a few decisions about them.  I have also been seriously considering some advice I got from one of my doctor's this year, and that advice is playing a large role in my "resolutions" for lack of a better word.  This post is going to get into some medical stuff I've been dealing with for a while and everything is pointing to the need for some sweeping lifestyle changes.

I have had some serious hormonal issues since I was in college.  It was in college when my cycles changed and started being less and less predictable.  I think I was about 21 the first time I missed what had always been an exactly 28 day cycle and to say I FREAKED OUT might be an understatement.  Up to that point the only reason I had ever known for missing a cycle was pregnancy and my boyfriend at the time already had a little girl that was not quite 2 and he had told me he wanted to have a vasectomy and no more children.  Then there was that pesky issue of what to tell my parents who had always made it very clear that pregnancy outside of marriage wouldn't have been acceptable, and I was entering my junior year of college.  I was completely mortified when the doctor said to me, "You've gained a bit of weight, that is probably the issue."  I was maybe 185 or 190 at the time, but I had gained about 20 or 25 pounds since graduating high school.  Well, I had never given any consideration that what I was eating could have caused this, and no physician had certainly ever eluded to this beyond, "you need to go on a diet."

Ever since the day the first kid called me fat in middle school, I have wanted that to not be the case, but I didn't know how in the hell to make that happen.  As a kid, I didn't know what to tell my parents, and honestly, I tried everything bad and dangerous to make that happen.  I was anorexic, I've had binge eating issues, I've been an emotional eater, I've basically done everything but purge and take medications.

This summer my hormonal issues too a nasty turn and I had one of my very unpredictable cycles and it lasted 3 months, until I Had to go have a D & C to stop it.  The issues still haven't resolved themselves, but the doctor who did my D&C asked me about my eating habits.  Well, I laughed and said, "Really?  I'm sitting in your office at 5'2" tall and weighing in at 265, you cannot be serious."  At that point he went on a VERY passionate tangent about eating primal and all the benefits of it, etc.  The thing is, I met a girl in my dance class last year and she had told me that she lost her weight by eating primal, but I had never heard of it before and I blew it off as yet another fad diet.  Dr. Brannon told me about the book, "The Primal Blueprint" so I downloaded it to my Nook, but I've yet to finish reading it.  I've started it, but it is very overwhelming!  From what Dr. Brannon tells me, women with PCOS suffer the worst of the syndrome but that cutting out grains, wheat, etc. as is required from a Primal diet.  He believes that my following a primal diet will not only help me lose weight, it will reduce my PCOS symptoms and possibly get me back into a regular cycle, without additional surgery.

So, now, for my resolutions, They have to be measurable to have any way of saying whether I have been successful or not, so I have a few, which I will report here, they are as follows:

I will run 3 days/week until the Princess Half Marathon on February 24
I will CrossFit 3 days/week until the Princess Half marathon
After the Princess I will Crossfit 5 days/week
I will eat Primal, giving myself 1 day per month as a cheat day

This last one is not measurable, but it is vital to my success:
I will show myself the same love, support and encouragement as I give to my friends and family.

I saw a post on FB not too long ago that said "you wouldn't tolerate it if someone else emotionally abused a family member of yours, why do you accept it from yourself."  It was like a kick in the gut to me.  I don't treat others with the hateful disrespect that I treat myself with.  I wouldn't tolerate someone talking to my sister the way I talk to myself.  I would absolutely defend her and demand that someone else treat her with respect, so why do I let me about me?  That needs to stop.  I need to stop allowing behavior out of myself that I would never accept from anyone else.

You will notice that I haven't made a resolution about weight.  The fact of the matter is, all I can control is what I put in my mouth, and how much I move my body.  I cannot control how much weight comes off or when it comes off.  The reality is, If I do all of this, I will likely lose the weight I want to lose, but i can't afford to tie my success or failure to a scale.  I need to focus on healthy habits, and the weight loss is just a convenient and exciting side-effect to making healthy choices.

So, these are my New Year's resolutions.  and I can't wait to embark on a New Year's Resolution with a different focus than any other New Year in forever.  I need to control what I can control, and the scale isn't one of those things.

Until next time......

Friday, December 21, 2012


Tonight I got the opportunity to workout with someone who has accomplished exactly what I want to.  Guinina Palermo-Pinckney , who has lost nearly 100 pounds, made the trek to CrossFit APX and worked out with us girls.  Being someone who needs to lose between 100 and 130 pounds, it can be overwhelming and seem completely impossible.  The opportunity to meet and workout with someone who has done successfully what you often feel is going to be impossible is invaluable.  I got just that opportunity tonight.

Tonight's WOD was a tough one.  I was struggling and out of breath just from the warm-up:
10 star jumps
8 jumping jacks
10 jumping pull-ups
10 tuck jumps

WOD #1:  4 minute AMRAP
20 overhead lunges (I had 55#)
10 Toes to bar (I still can't do these, so I hang from the bar and pull my knees up as far as possible)

I got through 2 rounds completely.

Wod#2: 4 minute AMRAP
Burpee Box Jumps---UGH!!!  I still can't do real burpees, and box jumps still are a huge mental stumbling block for me.  So I still had to use the modified burpees tonight, where my hands are on the box, and then do the box jump.  Gigi told me to look up at the wall when doing the box jump, instead of looking at the box.    This does seem to help a bit, but after working out 3 days in a row, doing Fran yesterday, and a 2nd WOD yesterday which include 50 wall-ball shots and stepping up and down from the box My legs were exhausted and I was terrified that I was going to not make it up on the box and wipe out.  I only got in 27 of these.

Finally we did our strength/skill work.  Tonight's skill was Clean and Jerk.  Now, I've only ever done this particular move one time, and I'm almost positive that I did it with 65#.  Tonight we were to do 5 Clean and Jerk, 1 at a time at a heavy weight.  Then 5 more, at a heavier weight.  Then 5x2 at the original weight.  I was working with my buddy, Megan Gross, and we started with 85# on the bar.  I did my 5, then Megan did hers.  Then we bumped it up to 95#, and the first time I attempted it, I didn't get the clean done, I dropped the 95# bar right on my chest.  I knew I was going to get through the skill work.  Megan was concerned too, so we did the last 3, facing each other on different bars, simultaneously.  I would count us down and we'd bust it out together.  Gigi was over next to me, killing it, doing Clean and Jerks with 115# on the bar.  The 95 was feeling pretty good, so I decided to try it.  The first time, I didn't even begin to get my chest out of the way, and slammed all 115 pounds right into the center of my breasts.  This is a PSA for any male readers...they really do just get in the way!!!  I tried about 5 or 10 more times, and nearly every time, couldn't get the bar past my chest to complete the clean.  Next time we do them, I'm so going to get that 115# up over my head.  In the mean time, I'm about 100% sure I'm going to have some nasty battle-wounds that I won't be able to post pictures of.  The pain is and will be worth it, and I'll dance all over the box just like I did the first time I dead lifted 205#.  

I am incredibly proud of myself tonight, and feel so good about working out with Gigi, Megan, Karen, Hunter and everyone else that was there tonight.  Next week I'll be there Monday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday again.  Still working on those amazing 2103 Health and Fitness Goals...but I'm getting much closer to admitting what they are.  I'm seriously close, and have to nail down how I'm going to make them happen, then I'll be ready to share!

See you back here Monday.  I can't wait for my next work out...I'm sore, but it's worth it!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Fran...She's a WITCH!

Wow--did my workout tonight.  It's the first time in a LONG time that I have done consecutive day workouts, and I'm trying to work in that direction in the new year.  I'm still considering what my health and fitness goals might be for the new year.  I have always made impulse "New Year's Resolution"s and thus have rarely actually achieved them.  I have quite a few in mind, and once I make a final, educated decision, I'll let you all in on it too.

So, I had read on a friend's page that today was going to be Fran at the box.  The benchmark WODs always scare me, and especially after I puked twice during Grace, intimidated doesn't exactly cover how these benchmark WODs make me feel.

So for the workout, 10 crucifix push-ups, 8 air squats, down and back high-knees, down and back butt kicks, down and back inch worm.  2 rounds of this.

WOD #1: Fran!
21-15-9 for time!
Thrusters RX for ladies is 65#, I did 55#
Jumping Pull-ups, Chest to bar (no bands)

I finished in 10:29

WOD#2: for time
50 Wall Ball Shots (I used an 8 pound ball)
40 box jumps (I had to step up and down)
30 KB swings (RX was a 35# KB, I used 26#)
20 ab mat sit-ups
10 hand-release push-ups (I am still doing the girlie push-ups)

I finished in about 11:50.  I wasn't facing the clock, and by the time I laid down in the floor to catch my breath, and rolled over and looked at the clock it was 12:01.

Tonight was AMAZING!  I felt really really strong tonight, and in spite of the soreness on the base of my neck from the weight of the bar during back squats yesterday, it felt great to get in another workout.  I was seriously considering a double tomorrow, but since I'm so sore, and we have a visitor coming to the box, I figure I'll hold off and save my best stuff for my new friend, Guanina Palermo-Pinckney.  It's gonna be FUN!!  Can't wait.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Strong Mamas rock...and I am one!!

Tonight's workout was awesome and self-affirming in a way I didn't know possible for me.

Our warm-up:
7 tuck jumps
7 spider man push-ups
7 bronco kicks

WOD #1: for time
Dead lifts (155# RX for women)
Get-up burpees

I got through the 12's and 9's, but I was done.  I actually tried to RX this one since dead lifts are the lift I am most comfortable with, which ended up being a bad idea.  I haven't had lower back pain in a LONG time during a WOD, but it showed back up tonight, and with a serious vengeance.  Now, in the past few times where I have not been able to finish a WOD, I have left the box embarrassed and in tears.  When I couldn't finish the 6 and the 3, I wasn't embarrassed AT ALL!  I knew I put a lot of weight on the bar, and I knew it was better to step away than to hurt myself.  I didn't storm out or cry, I just waited until.....

WOD #2:
Every Minute On the Minute, unbroken, complete the following:
Front Squat
Push Press
Back Squat
Push Press

Whatever time was left until the next minute mark was a rest.  I had 65# on the bar due to the Clean and how sore my back already was.  I seriously considered quitting a number of times.  and at minute 5 the idea got really tempting, but then I realized, once I finished the 5 minute round, I only had the 4, 3, 2 & 1 left, why quit?  I had finished 11, it wasn't that I wasn't capable of finishing, it was that I was sore and tired.  This wasn't a matter of self-preservation, this was a matter of perseverance.  This was a matter of giving up or finishing.  This was a matter of pride, and I refused to give up.  I finished, and did it hurt?  Sure it did, but was it worth it?  AB-SO-FREAKING-LUTELY!!!

Now, we usually do our strength or skill between the warm-up and the WOD, but tonight, we did it after the WODs.  Now, considering that my back was sore and screaming at me, the idea of not doing the skill was certainly tempting.  But again, this wasn't a matter of self-preservation, it was a matter of intestinal fortitude.  This was a matter of whether or not I was going to sabotage myself and let the workout beat me.

Tonight's strength/skill was back squats...ugh, double ugh, and triple ugh!
So we were to do 5 rounds, 5, then 4, then 3,3,3.  We were to add weight after each round.  I started with the ladies, and we had 65# on the bar.  then went to 85, and it was too light.  The boys next to us had 135# on the bar, so I decided to jump in with them.  I did 3 at 135, then the last 2 rounds at 155.  The bar was racked so high I couldn't even get it down, so the boys had to lift it off the rack and put it on my shoulders, let me back squat it, then help me by putting it back up on the rack since it was too high.

After we finished, we were talking a bit, and there was a guy visiting our box, in from college.  He looked pretty buff, like he lifts regularly.  He said, "you outdid me.  I was thinking it was too light, but I was struggling."  Now, I don't often pat myself on the back, but by golly, an early 20 year old guy home from college, incredibly fit, and I out-lifted him.  Now, here I am, double my ideal body weight, knocking on 38 years old with 3 kids, and I out-lifted him!  It rocks being a strong chick...and I should know, because I am one!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

God Knows What We Need

Sometimes it becomes crystal clear that God knows exactly what someone really needs to be comforted.

Last night I spent the evening in the ER with my baby girl.  She has pneumonia so we were getting paraded from her to the X-ray room, back to the treatment room.  I had this incredibly uneasy feeling all night in the ER because it was just 5 years ago tonight that I was admitted because our son had died and I was in labor and needed to deliver him.

Let me go back for those that don't know this part of my history.  We have 3 amazing children, and I am also the mommy to a baby in heaven.  It was our 3rd pregnancy, and though unplanned and unexpected, I was thrilled beyond compare when I discovered that I was pregnant.  It was definitely weird, as I had discovered my previous 2 pregnancies in late-October, and it was only Labor Day weekend.  The pregnancy was going along swimmingly.  We got to see our little baby wiggling, dancing and sucking his thumb at his 12 week ultrasound.  My dad was so enthralled with the images on the ultrasound, he was crowding out the ultrasound tech trying to get a better view of the screen.  I felt so blessed when I hit the 13 week mark and was so relieved that I would never feel the despair of a miscarriage.  Things were cruising right along, and the week after Thanksgiving, Barney and I took the kids to Disney World.  Though I was only 16 weeks along, it was glaringly obvious that I was pregnant in all of our pictures.  When you're only 5'2" tall, there's not much of anywhere for the baby to go, but out.  By the way, the overly sensitive sense of smell on a pregnant woman, at Disney at Christmas is torture.  That carousel you can see behind us is entirely edible.  It smelled of gingerbread deliciousness.  While we were at Disney Justin decided to taste-test the hand rails at the Magic Kingdom and found himself a good case of Hand, Foot and Mouth disease.  He was kind enough to share that virus with me.

Five years ago today, I woke up to work from home and found myself in a lot of pain.  Back pain to be specific.  I decided to work in my PJ's for the majority of the day and shower later for the sake of comfort.  I started to realize that the pain was coming and going at a very regular intervals, specifically every 8 minutes.  I became more and more uncomfortable, so about 6:30 I called my OB and let him know I was having contractions.  He told me I was too early for pre-term labor and it was likely a UTI and my uterus was irritated, thus contracting.  He told me to call back at 8:30 when the office opened and they would squeeze me in.  I had no idea that my life was about to fall apart.  I went in to the OB that morning around 10:15 or so, and he verified I had a UTI and just wanted to check on the baby.  He couldn't find the heartbeat and I jokingly said, "That's fine.  I was secretly hoping that the baby wouldn't cooperate so we could find out the sex of the baby for Barney's birthday tomorrow".  We went into the ultrasound room and my world shattered.  Still no heartbeat.  Internal ultrasound, still no heartbeat.  The doctor was flustered and sent me for an in-depth ultrasound with a high-risk doctor and in his haste, sent me to one that was closed for the day.  It was immediately evident when he did the ultrasound that our baby was gone.  He was so peaceful, no movement, no tell-tale flicker to indicate a heart beat.  I just laid there in shock, and cried.  I asked the doctor what was next and he said to go home and wait for my regular doctor to call.  I did.  Our pastor came over with some yummy cinnamon buns to pray with us, and while we were praying, my water broke.  A few minutes later the phone rang, and it was my OB.

Dr. Seidel told us what to expect, told us what our options were.  He cried on the phone with me, and spoke to Barney extensively.  Not long after that we headed to Duke Medical Center to have our angel baby.  I had had 2 previous c-sections and had been on blood thinners for the last 4-1/2 months.  All of these things meant that laboring could cause a ruptured uterus, and ultimately, my death, so we decided to err on the side of caution.  I fully intended to take advantage of any and all medications they would allow me to because the physical pain was NOTHING compared to the emotional pain.  How do you labor for 24 hours knowing that your baby is dead?  How do you maintain any level of sanity knowing that the baby you are in so much pain for is already gone?  How do you do any of this with and hint of dignity, knowing that you are about to deliver a dead baby on your husband's birthday?  Our precious Henry was born on Friday morning, December 14 at around 6:30.  We named him Henry James, after our paternal grandfathers.  He was perfect in every way save for 1, his missing heartbeat.  Henry weighed a little over 4 oz, and was 7-1/2 inches long.  I have never been so lost or felt so cheated in my life.  The doctors and nurses at Duke were unmatched in their care for me.  They were so peaceful, and accommodating in every way.    My parents and Barney's both came to the hospital and held our angel before they took him away.  Every year, on the 13th and 14th of December I am on the verge of a melt-down the entire day.  The slightest thing can set me off, from seeing a pregnant woman, to wishing Barney a happy birthday.  Last week I was completely unable to look at a friend's ultrasound pictures because it just reminded me all too much of what I was going through this time 5 years ago.  We have gone on to have Ella Sue.  She will never replace Henry, EVER, but it does make everything a little easier to cope with.

Being home with her today and tomorrow, due to her asthma, getting to snuggle with her, hug her, and spend time with her and Ada today has been exactly what my soul needed.  I don't feel as edgy today as I usually do on December 13th.  Tomorrow, she and I are going to make daddy some birthday cake/cupcakes, and spend the day together.  I know it's probably unfair, but I might take this day off from now on, just to spend it with my girl and not have to be anything more than her mom on this day.

I don't know if I'll make it to work out tomorrow, it'll depend on how she's feeling and if my parents feel comfortable watching her and all of her germs.  I would love to workout, but being her mommy is the best thing I can be tomorrow.

I know this is totally off the normal topic of my blog, but sometimes, for me, writing helps me to function and get things off my chest.  We'll be back to our regular programming with my next post, but I really needed to put this all down today.

Until next time.....

Henry's Mommy

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


24 hours after I left the box crying and not finishing my workout, I have a little perspective.  Did my workout suck?  YES.  Was/am I disappointed that I was unable to finish?  YES, but what really matters?

What really matters is that day in and day out I am challenging myself and my body to do things that had you told me a year ago I would be doing them, I would have laughed hysterically in your face.  I have the physical ability to push my body to do these things.  I have not been severely injured or disabled.  I have the opportunity to make a change in my life that some folks never will.  So why in the hell am I boo-hooing over ONLY completing 4-1/2 rounds when there are almost definitely men and women who wish they had the physical ability to even attempt 1 round?  Last night's post left me feeling better because I had vented, but also feeling incredibly selfish, and I don't like feeling this way.  There are people in this country and others that would give just about anything to have the opportunity to do what I did yesterday, and if they left in tears, it would likely be from gratitude.

I think it's time I take a look at what I'm thinking and feeling and remember what is important in life.  Thanks to everyone who reached out to me last night and this morning to check on me.  I really appreciate it.


Monday, December 10, 2012

ugh! Can I get a do-over?

Well, Tonight's WOD was the horrible ending the capped off my horrible day.  The first even of the day will not be mentioned here--next I got an email from HR in response to my questions about the status of the job I interviewed for and was told that another person had been recommended.  I got fussed at and yelled at by students, I had people sent to me that didn't have appointments and I didn't know were coming.  I had to do mommy duty in the parking lot because my 6 year old was refusing to go to school, screaming at my mom and refusing to let her brush her hair before school.  It was a long and very rough day...I just knew that going to workout was going to make it all better, because working hard and sweating always makes me feel better, and I feel like I accomplished something.  I was chatting with a friend of mine this afternoon, and told her that days like today make me want to quit.  I'm not going to quit, I'm NEVER going to quit, but days like this would normally be what did me in and made me walk away in the past.

I was so excited when I got to CrossFit, but that was VERY short-lived.  During the warm-up we needed to run 100 meters and I felt like I was running with anvils at the ends of my legs.

WOD#1--6 rounds for time, 25 minute max
3 squat cleans ( I had 65#)
20 ab mat sit-ups
6 inverted burpees (I had to do get-up to bronco kicks)
10 box jumps

I got through 4 complete rounds, and made it to the inverted burpees in the 5th round.  I was absolutely devastated.  I left the box in tears and just went and sat in the parking lot and cried.  I was embarrassed and frustrated.  I absolutely HATE not finishing.  I HATE DNF'ing.  I knew my lungs weren't on board for a lot of running tonight because I'm still coughing and congested, but I didn't expect to not be able to finish.

There was to be a second WOD which included sprints.  There was NO way I could sprint tonight, so after I failed at the first workout, I grabbed my stuff and headed to the car.  I just sat there and cried.  Our coach, Tyler, stopped me on the way out and told me that my attendance meant I was on the right path.  He told me to think back to what I was capable of when I started in late July, the answer is, I wasn't capable of much.  Today was a bad day, but as bac as it was, I am NEVER going to quit, Tyler & Andrea.  I will continue to show up and do the best I can.  I will get through this speed bump.  See you again on Wednesday!

Until next time....


Wednesday, December 5, 2012


Okay..time to calm down a bit, before I get too far ahead of myself.  I haven't worked out since the day before Thanksgiving (2 weeks?!?!?!) when I did the double workout.  The Monday after Thanksgiving I went down for the count with the stomach bug that my kids were kind enough to share with me, then parenting duties, and play practices and life just got completely in the way.  Then, this Monday the upper respiratory crap started.  Upper respiratory infection?  Sinus infection?  Who knows?  The fact is, 2 weeks is too damn long to go without working out.  The other thing that I have figured out is that missing even 1 workout makes it easier to miss another, and it's a slippery slope from there.  This is how people fall off the wagon.  This is how people lose the fire to change their lives.  Things happen, life happens, and contrary to popular belief, habits die a quick and quiet death.  I'm not going to lie, changing clothes to get ready for my workout I felt like I was suiting up for battle, a battle of wills, per se.  The reality is, my brain wants me to quit.  My brain seems to like the fat lazy heifer I have become over the years.  My brain has gotten rather comfortable in the cushy fat floored apartment she is resting in.  I've spent about the last 18 years teaching my brain that my body was meant to be slow, out of shape, fat and unhealthy and my brain has obliged and encouraged me to excel at this particularly unpleasant existence I've adopted.

Well, I am now trying to convince my brain that I can and should change my reality.  That I can and should excel at working out, but my brain isn't exactly on board yet, and my self-esteem is light-years away from believing this line I'm trying to feed it.  My self-esteem and self worth have always been far too willing to accept the negativity I have thrown their way and cheered on my negative body image and mind-set for some reason, so believing in myself is as foreign a language to my brain and my body as speaking Latin would be.

So tonight was a bit scary and intimidating to be back in the box, but if I'm being completely honest, I felt better in my WOD than I have in quite some time.  I felt refreshed and strong, even though I haven't been there in 2 weeks.

So our warm up was pretty straight forward, 10 medicine ball slams (10# ball), 5 push-ups, 5 pull-ups, bear crawl and 10 air squats.  I'm still not comfortable with bear crawls, so I left those out since it was only the warm up.

After our warm up we were working on our strength skill.  I was really excited to see that the skill for today was deadlifts.  I LOVE deadlifts.  I think this is partially because when I first started, they hurt me so bad.  I couldn't do deadlifts when I started with a 15# bar because of the back pain.  Now that I have been doing this for 4 months my core strength is much better, and I am a lot stronger.  The last time we did deadlifts for our 1 rep max, I started with the learner bar (25#) and only 1 10# plate on each side, so I had 45# on the bar total.  Andrea immediately told me that it was too easy and I needed to add weight.  I ended up maxing out the bar, and then moving to the larger bar and ran out of time, maxing out at 195#.  I was so mad at myself because I really wanted to break 200#.  So---Fast forward to tonight.  I saw deadlifts on the board and was ecstatic, but that was short-lived.  Being someone with very little self confidence, I get intimidated very easily.  When Andrea was pairing us up and putting us into groups with people who could lift about the same amounts, she told me I was too strong to lift with the group of girls, and I needed to lift with a pair of guys, Michael and another guy who I had never met before.  I can't remember his name to save myself right now.  Intimidated doesn't even cover this feeling.  Me?  Lift with 2 guys?  NO!!!  I'm not ready for that!!!  I'm not strong enough for that!!!!  I can't do it!!!!  I was scared half out of my mind which lasted just a few seconds, till they discussed starting out with 135# on the bar for the first round of 5 lifts.  SHIT!  Seriously?  135#?  I know my goal was 200, but I was planning to start a bit lower and build up to it, not just jump right to triple digits.  So, scared doesn't exactly cover how completely terrified I was.  I wanted to run screaming from the box and say, NO!!!  I CAN'T LIFT WITH BOYS!  WHAT ARE YOU?  CRAZY?!?!  So, I stepped up to the bar, asked permission to use a double-over grip since the mixed grip is so freaking uncomfortable for me, and Andrea said it was fine.  I did my 5 lifts at 135#.  Okay, so maybe I can do this after all.  Wait?  What?  You want to go ahead and jump to 185# already?  What are you smoking?, address the bar and do it!  And I up 205#.  Alright then, this is where the rubber meets the road, and can you really lift more than 200#?  I put my hands on the bar, and I was physically shaking. My inner self was laughing hysterically, rolling on the floor, crying type of laughing.  Only one way I know of to shut-up my inner skeptic, lift the damn bar.  Andrea said, "Get out of your head and stand up".  So, I did....and it worked!  I literally jumped up and down cheering myself on!  I just lifted 205 pounds, Me, I did it.  Next thing I know, there's 225# on the bar...I took one look at it and said, "I'm out".  The guys I was lifting with both did it, and made it look pretty easy.  They walked away to get more weights, and I stepped up to the bar.  Can I do this?  Can I lift 225?  Is that possible?  While no one was looking, I leaned over, grabbed the bar, and started to lift it.  It wasn't quick and easy like the earlier lifts, it is truly my 1-rep max right now, but I'll be damned if I didn't lift 225#.  Then I decided to try it again, this time with mixed grip, and now I know why they say to use that grip for heavy weights.  I did it.  I lifted 225#, not once, but twice.  I couldn't be more proud of myself.  Why am I so afraid of myself?  Why am I afraid of my own strength?  Why do I try to convince myself that I am incapable when I am clearly capable?  Next goal?  Lose enough weight and get stronger so my next PR is my body weight....right now that would be an additional 30 pounds, so if I lose some, and gain some strength, that should be possible.  Next up, 250!

Now, WOD #1, 2 minute AMRAP, which could easily qualify as the cardio portion of our workout, or another warm up, was 15 quick box jumps (jump up and down, but I have to step down still) and 5 kettle bell swings (I used a 26.5# kettle bell).  I only got through 1 round thanks to the respiratory crap I have going on, my asthma kicked in and I started hacking and wheezing.  WOW!  Who knew that 2 minutes could be so tough?

WOD#2--4 rounds
10 burpees (hands on the 12" box)
10 medicine ball sit-ups
10 walking lunges
10 toes-to-bar
10 half-jacks

After 1 round, I looked at the clock, and I was at 2:50, after round 2, I realized I had forgotten my half jacks  in round 1, so I did 20 half jacks in the second round.  After 2 rounds, I was right around 6-1/2 minutes.  I had hoped going in to do the WOD in 13 minutes or less.  I know that my rounds get slower as I go, so I wasn't really sure that was going to happen.  I kept trying to push through, but I was definitely struggling.  I continued to push, and work, and eventually, I was in my last round of walking lunges.  I was struggling and I  stopped for a second.  I heard Tyler say, "Push Krista, you can rest when you're done!"  Well, there's a different perspective I hadn't considered previously...Okay, Tyler, push it is.  I ended up finishing the WOD in 13:05.  Even though I didn't finish in my goal time, I did very well.  I used to count this as a failure, but now, it's a success.  The reality is, I didn't quit, and I WON'T quit!  I'm going to beat this body fat, I'm going to come out on top, and hold my head high.  I will overcome these hurdles in my way, and do it with my teeth gritted, cursing, sweating and swearing if I have to.  So, as far as my workouts go, I'm still good, and I'm going to keep bustin' ass.  I've got what it takes to be successful, and I have to do it.

Thank you again, Andrea, for pushing me what way I need to be pushed.  Gentlemen, thank you for letting me lift with you.  I was incredibly intimidated to do so, thanks for cheering me on!

Till next time--