The Incredible Shrinking Krista

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Training walk #2

2.25 miles in 50 minutes.  I didn't jog, but it felt great!!  I'm excited for a longer jog/walk on Saturday.  planning on a 2:1 run:walk ratio for a 5k, every saturday between now and the diva...hoping to get myself just under 45 minutes for the race on May 20.  I've got this, and an awesome new training partner to help me get there.  Thanks so much for walking with me, Emily.  You rocked.  It was so nice talking to you and having someone to walk with tonight.  Looking forward to weekly walks/runs.  Next week, can't wait to do a little Galloway, Run/walk/run. 


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Death of a dream....

Okay--So this whole situation with The Biggest Loser, the walk-out of a couple of contestants, etc has led to what I am certain is the death of a dream for a lot of people.  As a person who is overweight, we (I shouldn't speak for everyone, but I feel comfortable that most would agree with me) just want to be able to be "normal".  Most of us have tried about everything possible to do it, including surgery, pills, diet plans, personal trainers, you name it.  For the last 13 seasons, The Biggest Loser has been that magic pill for hundres of people who have lost thousands of pounds collectively.  They have gone on to give back to their communities, they have opened boot camps, started their own gyms, gotten certified as personal trainers, and just been amazing people.  There are a lot of critics to the Biggest Loser and what it is, and the speed with which these contestants lose weight, but you really can't argue with success.  I know in the early seasons there were some pretty questionable tactics used to "dehydrate" the contestants, but for all I'vve read, those are things that haven't been happening on recent seasons. 

If I'm being 100% honest with myself and everyone else, I have to say, I think the death of this show is going to fall on the producers who decided that casting an entire season of selfish drama queens with a million excuses would be a good idea.  Most of us folks that are tipping the scale have legitimate reasons why we are the size that we are, but a million excuses for why we haven't been able to change it.  casting and entire season of nothing but those people had "drama" and "entertainment" written all over it.  Unfortunately, It also had failure written all over it.  The long-time fans of the show have been polarized, there are even entire facebook pages set-up to degrade and talk about the contestants that some viewers don't like this season.  The reality is, this season is going to be the train-wreck that derails one of the most inspirational shows about weight-loss that I have ever encountered.

Last night on the show, the remaining 5 contestants got wind of a challenge that would bring back one of the eliminated contestants and give them the opportunity to earn their way into the finale.  The sad fact is, the remaining 5 snowballed into a pile of self-pity and selfishness that left them sitting around a table by the pool on a huge ranch built to help them succeed, offering another woe-is-me story of how they were being treated unfairly.  What didn't appear to matter to them was that the same contracts that they signed were also signed by the other contestants indicating that the eliminated contestants would be given this opportunity, and the final 5 felt that they were being duped and taken advantage of.  There was absolutely no concern for the eliminated contestants who likely went home, busted their butts, and continued to work, knowing they were going to get this opportunity, and hoping for that one last shot to prove themselves, succeed, and make it to the finale and a 1 in 3 shot at $250,000.  I was literally yelling at my TV saying, "What if you had been eliminated, and were chomping at the bit for this challenge, and the show took it away from YOU because of the final 5 spoiled brats threw a temper tantrum and threatened to quit."  But alas, the footage was over 2 months old, and they couldn't hear me.

The reality is, I feel horribly sorry for the thousands of people who sat in line at a casting call for hours on end for that 1 ten minute opportunity to talk to a casting director with 10 other people at a table in the hopes of getting this amazing opportunity.  I feel horribly sorry for those people because the opportunity was given to people who were too selfish to be good stewards of the opportunity they were given.  I have been there.

In March of 2011, I showed up to a casting call at 7:05 in the morning and was #162 in line to see the casting directors.  I chatted with the ladies around me in the line, and got to know a lot about them.  I didn't see the casting director until 1:30 in the afternoon, and our group got an unheard of 16 minutes, rather than 10 with that casting director.  I then sat by the phone until 11:30 that night, waiting for either a call asking me to come in for an interview, or Holland Weathers to post on her FB page that all call backs had been made, and if you didn't get one, "Be sure to send in a video too, for us to consider."  I had already done my video, and never heard another thing from the casting directors, so I wasn't going to get a chance at BL12.  The casting for BL13 started, and I didn't go to a casting call or send in a video.  I did, however, pre-register for the season's casting, and was ecstatic to get an e-mail from a casting director.  I later learned that the e-mail I had received was a glitch, not intended to be sent to me, and they were sorry.  I have been in the shoes of every person who has ever applied and not gotten the opportunity to go to the rance.  I have felt like BL was my only chance.  If I could just get the chance to train with Bob, Jillian, Dolvett, Cara or Brett or any of the other trainers that have been in the BL gym in the last 13 seasons, I would finally have the tools to not only get rid of all this excess weight, I would have the knowledge, tools and confidence to keep it off.  Here's the catch....

All of the people who have auditioned for the Biggest Loser, like me have felt like they needed a huge amount of help to get to that goal of being fit and healthy.  They took the first step toward that goal by asking for help to get there and recognizing the need to get healthy.  If you know someone who has auditioned for this, or any other weight-loss show, offer them some support.  Offer to go to the gym with them.  Be their Jillian, Bob or Dolvett for them.  Most of us want nothing more than to get healthy, but that is an overwhelming concept when you have half of your body weight to lose to get there.  I need the support, love, understanding and help from the people in my life.  I need for someone to offer to watch the kids, so I can go to the gym.  I need someone to go to the gym with me because, quite frankly, do you know how intimidating it is to walk into a gym at twice your healthy weight?  Let's just say, it feels like every person in the gym is staring at you constantly.  I need for someone to go shopping with me and help me buy healthy foods.  I need someone to teach me how to cook those healthy foods in a way that is delicious and doesn't taste like either a science experiment gone bad or a piece of cardboard.  All of us who have auditioned for The Biggest Loser know we need help.  Since we didn't make it on the show, and in all liklihood there will never be a BL14 and so on, offer your help, support an encouragement to someone who needs it.  We don't like being overweight, and we need the love and support to get healthy.

The Biggest Loser has been the "Magic Pill" for weightloss that thousands of people have hoped for since it premiered years ago.  I know for sure there are people who have auditioned 5-10 times.  It isn't that we don't want to get healthy, we just don't know where to start.  Since it appears that yes another "magic weight loss pill" is going to be taken away, are you willing to help your friends and loved ones get there without it?  Are you willing to stand beside them, help them, cry with them, go to the gym with them, and help them get there without a TV show?  If so, please offer them your help.  It will mean more to them than you can even imagine.  Trust me on this one, I know....

Sunday, April 15, 2012

1st traning run

I did my first training run yesterday, and while a bit winded, it felt really good.  I made it 1.5 miles in 20 minutes.  Not sure how realistic this might be, but last year I ran the Quay 5k in 58 minutes (my goal was to finish under 1 hour).  If I continue training, get some of this weight off, I'm hoping that I can maintain this pace and finish the Diva 5k in about 40 minutes, which would SMASH the only timed 5k I have ever run.  The more I think about this, the more excited I get about the Princess and my running future.  I love how running makes me feel, I love the endorphin/adrenalin rush I get from running...I just need to keep doing it. 

As a side note, it hit me this morning like a slap to the face.  For years I have approached things like "This is my body, I am a prisoner in it".  Today I though, "my body is slave to my mind.  If I tell my body what to do, what to eat and to work out, my body will be slave to what I want it to be, and it will be healthy.  Love the idea of all that.


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The story of my body

Okay, so I have a friend that has been running a series on her blog called "The Story of My Body".  It has been an intriguing series, because regardless of who has written the blog about their body, we have some really similar issues in our histories.  Regardless of whether or not we have ever had true weight issues, or ben an athlete our entire lives, there are very common threads and reactions to our thinking that we have all faced.  I have agreed to write the story of my body for her to use on her blog.  The interesting thing about this process that I have undertaken in the last week is that it has been so cathartic for me and helped me to put some words down on paper that I have never really processed for myself.  Writing the story of my body has helped me to see a truth that I have never felt 100% comfortable with because it meant I would have to admit that regardless of my size or the number on the scale, I am worth something.  That I might actually deserve better than disrespect.  This process has been so helpful for me, that I am going to post the story of my body here on MY blog as well.  I don't have nearly the readership that Brea does, so I have no fear that I am pre-empting her blog by doing so since my blog is so personal, and ony includes my close personal friends and family.  Part of this was very difficult for me because it made me face some truths that while painful for me at the time, might hurt my family by me posting them here.  I want to tell everyone that I know to the absolute core of my soul that no one in my family ever did anything knowing in advance that it would hurt me emotionally.  I have a very loving family.  I always think about Dr. Phil's theory that guilt implies intent.  My family needn't feel guilty for the things that hurt me for two reasons: 1--They never had any malicious intent and 2--they can't help how I took the things that happened.  I have always been very insecure and assumed the worst about myself so sometimes, well-intended advice or commentary became hurtful to me.  So, without further adieu....Here is the story...The story of MY body:

The Story of My Body: Krista
It sounds pretty odd, but I have never really been connected to my body.  I have always (since very early in childhood) had a distorted image of what my body looked like and what it was capable of.  I have always attributed this to coming from a home where everyone was far more concerned about building my self-esteem, than being honest about what food was doing to my body, and the bodies of my family members.  These family members were always very well-intended but not being 100% honest about our family reality made me question their honesty and integrity in what they told me about my body. 
I can remember more times than I would like to count when my mom uttered the phrase, “Don’t eat that, you don’t want to be fat like me.”  She said it with the best of intentions, but what really happened was that I started to believe those school bullies who picked on me solely because my mom was fat.  I swore to myself I would never let her down and turn into the fat girl she desperately didn’t want me to be.  I am sure you can imagine my devastation when the first child in the 6th grade uttered THOSE words, “You’re fat just like your Mom.”  I couldn’t believe it; I had let her down and become everything she never wanted me to be, and everything I swore I would never allow myself to become.  I immediately embarked on yet another “diet” which quickly turned into me not eating anything except dinner to keep mom and dad off the trail of my anorexia.  That, plus hours of working out as a volleyball player and a basketball player worked for a while until my attitude turned ugly from the lack of appropriate nutrition.  I had amazing friends that forced me to choke down something at lunch, and a teacher that watched me and reported my eating habits to my parents, and   they took me to the doctor who scared me into eating again.  The sad truth is that I wasn’t accepting enough of myself, body mind and spirit, to realize that while the number on the scale was bigger than the number on my friends’ scales, it didn’t mean I was “fat”.  My body was built with more curves than the average 11 year old, and I just didn’t know how to embrace that.  I looked different than my friends.  I had boobs, a butt and hips.  I had a J-Lo booty before it was fashionable and desirable, or spoken about for that matter. 
There is more than just a physical piece to my journey; there is also a HUGE emotional component.  A large portion of the experiences I have had have been incredibly difficult emotionally.  Even the things that were a success physically have felt like a massive failure in the emotional arena.  I don’t really know if this is because folks have felt the need to protect my feelings by lowering my expectations and making me feel like it is ok for me to not succeed; or maybe there was a need to be sure that my very athletically inclined sister didn’t feel that I had infringed upon her territory by actually excelling athletically.  I made the volleyball and basketball teams in middle school, which I admittedly only tried out for because she didn’t make it, and I felt I had something to prove.  To this day, I have family members who discount my making those teams as being because the coaches just liked me better personally because, “Even you must admit that your sister is better than you.”  Do these people even know how much it hurts to have your few physical accomplishments minimized and disregarded?  Do they care?  Who knows.  The fact remains, I don’t care anymore.  I know what I am capable of doing because I HAVE DONE it.  I have lost 40 inches off my body in 3 months.  I have made athletic teams that my own family didn’t think would be possible. 
Since my middle school years I have been an emotional eater.  I have gained 8 pounds in a day.  I have been diagnosed with binge eating disorder.  I have tried every “diet” known to man.  I’ve done the grapefruit diet, the beet diet, the Atkins, a medically supervised diet with shakes and B12 shots, Weight Watchers and even the South Beach diet.  I’ve auditioned for The Biggest Loser and The Revolution.  I have even investigated the possibility of having Gastric Bypass or Lap Band surgery.  Just for the record, I don’t feel like these surgeries are an easy way out, they just aren’t right for me with my blood clotting disorder and the fact that I have 3 children I need to be around to raise, and dying due to a blood clot to my lungs or brain just doesn’t fit into my already jam-packed schedule.   
My body has carried my 3 beautiful children to term.  It has also betrayed me, by allowing my precious Henry to die in my womb, and having to go through 24 hours of labor without an epidural to have him.  (Remember that clotting disorder?  Well, the drugs to prevent clots also mean an epidural can paralyze you, so no epidural it was.)  While I feel like my body betrayed me, I also know that all of this was for a purpose known only to God. 
I have spent years being afraid of my body, and feeling like life was just unfair because of what my body does with food.  I am afraid of compliments, and question their voracity.  I question the vision and the sincerity of the people that offer them.  I have been friends with “those” women; you know the ones, the girls that complain about not being able to gain weight.  In all honesty, I married into a family of healthy weight people.  I go out to dinner with my sister-in-law and her husband, and my husband.  I ask for a box to take home my leftovers, and the waitress looks at me as if to ask, “How are you the fat one?”  You see my husband and his family look like they have licked their plates clean and are all healthy weights, if not bordering on skinny.  I have recently realized that whether it is fair or not, my body processes food differently than many of my friends.  It may be because of my year or so of anorexia slowing my metabolism down to a crawl.  It may be that my family history has reared its ugly head, and I am genetically pre-disposed to be a bigger girl with a lot of curves.  Regardless of those possibilities, I refuse to accept them as my only option, and my destiny.  I am going to be embarking on a training plan to run a half marathon this November in preparation for the Princess half Marathon at Disney World next February.  I attempted it this year, but due to a foot and ankle injury and because I don’t have a history of health and fitness, I didn’t even begin to realize what I needed to do to be ready for a half marathon.  Now, the idea of a full marathon is eating away at my psyche. 
The interesting thing about this is that the mind can play such horrible tricks on us.  I have been told that I am beautiful.  I have had folks claim I couldn’t possibly weigh what I do, because I don’t look like it.  When I auditioned for The Biggest Loser, numerous people told me that I didn’t get on the show because I’m not heavy enough.  I even remember being in college, deciding to tell the truth about my weight on my driver’s license, and having the DMV employee tell me that wasn’t possible, so SHE lied about my weight on my license, even though I told HER the truth.  But I just DON’T see it!  I don’t see beautiful.  I don’t see myself in the mirror the way that others apparently see me.  My mind has spent the last 25 years telling me that my worth was determined by the number on the scale, not by who I am as a woman.  I think the simplest explanation for this is that very early on my mind became hyper-sensitive to weight, and thus, I have since looked at myself in the mirror, through a pair of weight-centric glasses.  Doing so has made me spend too much time focusing on the number on the scale, rather than the reality of who I am as a person.  We all live in such a superficial world, where people talk about our looks and we are bombarded with unrealistic, airbrushed images of women who themselves don’t look like the ads we compare ourselves to.
I think we ALL need to learn that who we are as people has nothing to do with the number that is on the scale.  The circumstances of our lives do NOT determine our value or our worthiness.  The fact that I was raped at a party in college is irrelevant.  The fact that my first husband found it entertaining to call me degrading and disgusting names and threaten my life doesn’t matter.  What others think of the image they see when I walk toward them means nothing.    More importantly, the image I see looking back at me in the mirror and the size of that image doesn’t mean a hill of beans about the kind of woman that I am.  I have put this body of mine through the wringer.  I have been anorexic, and double my ideal weight.  I have carried 4 babies, and have 3 amazing children to show for it. I have had 3 cesarean sections to deliver my amazing children, and one “natural” delivery to have my angel that now lives in heaven.  I have gained weight, and I have lost weight.  I have a college degree which I busted my butt for.  I was a teacher until I decided not to be anymore.  I am a loving and generous woman.  I love to dance and I try to sing, even though I know I can’t.  I am a girly girl who loves sports, and would take a night at a sports bar with beer and wings over a mani and pedi any day.  I am a walking contradiction, but I am who God made me to be.  I have the exact body that God intended me to have.  My refusal to accept this body and be a good steward of the gift God has given me has been irresponsible at best.  Love me or don’t, take me or leave me, I am who I am.  Those are the things that really matter, not the number on the tag in the waistband of my pants. 

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Brain Storm...It's amazing the things that happen when you gain perspective!

So, I was considering the possibility of hiring ANOTHER personal trainer if I could find the funds, which I really can't afford, and then tonight, it hit me.  I have spent more money than I would like to admit over the years, on this exercise program or that.  I have workout DVD's coming out of my ears.  I had a trainer last year who I saw a ton of results with, but didn't learn much about working out without him. 

So here's my new plan.  I'm going to be continuing the couch to 5k training plan, followed by the half marathon training to work on the running.  The rest of the workouts are going to be done using the DVD workouts that I need to pay someone else more money with all the resources I have at my disposal here in my own house. 

Now, time to get the diet in line!


Monday, April 2, 2012

Here we go.....

I am feeling much better, the cough and congestion have left, and thus, tomorrow start the 5k training plan.  The goal is to run the entire 5k, preferrably under 45 minutes on May 20. 

I have also printed out a list of weight goals, goal dates to reach that weight, and what I will get when I do reach that weight.  The first goals are in 20 pound increments, based on the assumption and my experience that the weight comes off faster at first, then I go to 10 pound increments.  So I'm going to put the training schedule and the goal list up on the fridge, so every time I think about reaching in there for something that may be questionable to eat, I will see what my next goal and reward are. 

I have to approach this in a way I never have before.  I have always let myself get bogged down in the overall picture and gotten overwhelmed by the prospect of having to lose about 130 pounds.  I get frustrated by the fact that I'm not seeing big changes and feel like it never will change, so I give up.  My new approach is 1 meal at a time, 1 work out at a time, 1 day at a time.  This will also keep me from giving up because I make 1 mistake or fall off the wagon, 1 time...If I fall off the wagon, I'll get back on, immediately, at the next meal. 

I also know from working out with my trainer last year that I am far more capable of pushing myself beyond the limits my mind sets and do it goodbye to those limits and fears.  I'm going to do this!!