The Incredible Shrinking Krista

Monday, December 31, 2012

Knowledge is POWER!

I have always said that I didn't really know what I was doing with food, what to eat, when to eat, and I needed to take an intellectual approach to learning because it is not something that is beyond my ability to know, comprehend and put into place.  I have done a lot of reading, and while some folks still would like for me to believe that the only option I have to lose the amount of weight I'd like to use is surgery, either lap band, sleeve, or full-on gastric bypass, I know that I haven't done everything in my power to make the changes necessary so I'm going to put my knowledge into practice and see what happens.

I still haven't been feeling all that confident with my new eating philosophy which is one of the reasons I haven't really put it into full effect just yet.  Then, the other night, at my aunt's house, my cousin who is the last one not enlisted in the Army was talking about how he still needs to lose another inch off his weight before he goes back to be re-measured.  He explained that he is eating broccoli for his afternoon snack, and only 1 meal/day and working out every night to burn off the calories he had eaten that day.  I launched into this long-winded, and very educated sounding explanation of why this theory was failing him.  I explained that eating 1 meal/day had his body in starvation mode, and that your body is like a furnace.  I told him he should be waking up early and exercising in the morning because doing so kick-starts your metabolism.  Then I explained that he should be eating 6 small meals, about every 3 hours throughout the day.  This "stokes the fire" of your metabolism and keeps it in high gear for the remainder of the day.  I told him that by being in starvation mode he was defeating his purpose and would actually hold onto weight, rather than losing it.  I also explained to him that he needed to be putting high quality fuel in his furnace, eating meats, fresh fruits and vegetables and no processed shit.

I realized after this long-winded rant what a hypocrite I looked like.  Here I am saying that I don't understand what I need to do to get this weight off and lecturing my cousin about how to lose the weight to get into the Army.  I guess my lack of knowledge is no longer an acceptable excuse, and I now need to decide whether I'm willing to actually put that knowledge into action.  The simple answer.....HELL YES!!!

As a side note--For the first time in years, I bought an XL sweatshirt, and it fits!!!  It is only fitting that the first XL shirt I bought is a CrossFit APX shirt.  The people that are so instrumental in the changing of my life.  YAY!!!

Friday, December 28, 2012

The New Year

I have been thinking a lot about my New Year's Resolutions and have made quite a few decisions about them.  I have also been seriously considering some advice I got from one of my doctor's this year, and that advice is playing a large role in my "resolutions" for lack of a better word.  This post is going to get into some medical stuff I've been dealing with for a while and everything is pointing to the need for some sweeping lifestyle changes.

I have had some serious hormonal issues since I was in college.  It was in college when my cycles changed and started being less and less predictable.  I think I was about 21 the first time I missed what had always been an exactly 28 day cycle and to say I FREAKED OUT might be an understatement.  Up to that point the only reason I had ever known for missing a cycle was pregnancy and my boyfriend at the time already had a little girl that was not quite 2 and he had told me he wanted to have a vasectomy and no more children.  Then there was that pesky issue of what to tell my parents who had always made it very clear that pregnancy outside of marriage wouldn't have been acceptable, and I was entering my junior year of college.  I was completely mortified when the doctor said to me, "You've gained a bit of weight, that is probably the issue."  I was maybe 185 or 190 at the time, but I had gained about 20 or 25 pounds since graduating high school.  Well, I had never given any consideration that what I was eating could have caused this, and no physician had certainly ever eluded to this beyond, "you need to go on a diet."

Ever since the day the first kid called me fat in middle school, I have wanted that to not be the case, but I didn't know how in the hell to make that happen.  As a kid, I didn't know what to tell my parents, and honestly, I tried everything bad and dangerous to make that happen.  I was anorexic, I've had binge eating issues, I've been an emotional eater, I've basically done everything but purge and take medications.

This summer my hormonal issues too a nasty turn and I had one of my very unpredictable cycles and it lasted 3 months, until I Had to go have a D & C to stop it.  The issues still haven't resolved themselves, but the doctor who did my D&C asked me about my eating habits.  Well, I laughed and said, "Really?  I'm sitting in your office at 5'2" tall and weighing in at 265, you cannot be serious."  At that point he went on a VERY passionate tangent about eating primal and all the benefits of it, etc.  The thing is, I met a girl in my dance class last year and she had told me that she lost her weight by eating primal, but I had never heard of it before and I blew it off as yet another fad diet.  Dr. Brannon told me about the book, "The Primal Blueprint" so I downloaded it to my Nook, but I've yet to finish reading it.  I've started it, but it is very overwhelming!  From what Dr. Brannon tells me, women with PCOS suffer the worst of the syndrome but that cutting out grains, wheat, etc. as is required from a Primal diet.  He believes that my following a primal diet will not only help me lose weight, it will reduce my PCOS symptoms and possibly get me back into a regular cycle, without additional surgery.

So, now, for my resolutions, They have to be measurable to have any way of saying whether I have been successful or not, so I have a few, which I will report here, they are as follows:

I will run 3 days/week until the Princess Half Marathon on February 24
I will CrossFit 3 days/week until the Princess Half marathon
After the Princess I will Crossfit 5 days/week
I will eat Primal, giving myself 1 day per month as a cheat day

This last one is not measurable, but it is vital to my success:
I will show myself the same love, support and encouragement as I give to my friends and family.

I saw a post on FB not too long ago that said "you wouldn't tolerate it if someone else emotionally abused a family member of yours, why do you accept it from yourself."  It was like a kick in the gut to me.  I don't treat others with the hateful disrespect that I treat myself with.  I wouldn't tolerate someone talking to my sister the way I talk to myself.  I would absolutely defend her and demand that someone else treat her with respect, so why do I let me about me?  That needs to stop.  I need to stop allowing behavior out of myself that I would never accept from anyone else.

You will notice that I haven't made a resolution about weight.  The fact of the matter is, all I can control is what I put in my mouth, and how much I move my body.  I cannot control how much weight comes off or when it comes off.  The reality is, If I do all of this, I will likely lose the weight I want to lose, but i can't afford to tie my success or failure to a scale.  I need to focus on healthy habits, and the weight loss is just a convenient and exciting side-effect to making healthy choices.

So, these are my New Year's resolutions.  and I can't wait to embark on a New Year's Resolution with a different focus than any other New Year in forever.  I need to control what I can control, and the scale isn't one of those things.

Until next time......

Friday, December 21, 2012


Tonight I got the opportunity to workout with someone who has accomplished exactly what I want to.  Guinina Palermo-Pinckney , who has lost nearly 100 pounds, made the trek to CrossFit APX and worked out with us girls.  Being someone who needs to lose between 100 and 130 pounds, it can be overwhelming and seem completely impossible.  The opportunity to meet and workout with someone who has done successfully what you often feel is going to be impossible is invaluable.  I got just that opportunity tonight.

Tonight's WOD was a tough one.  I was struggling and out of breath just from the warm-up:
10 star jumps
8 jumping jacks
10 jumping pull-ups
10 tuck jumps

WOD #1:  4 minute AMRAP
20 overhead lunges (I had 55#)
10 Toes to bar (I still can't do these, so I hang from the bar and pull my knees up as far as possible)

I got through 2 rounds completely.

Wod#2: 4 minute AMRAP
Burpee Box Jumps---UGH!!!  I still can't do real burpees, and box jumps still are a huge mental stumbling block for me.  So I still had to use the modified burpees tonight, where my hands are on the box, and then do the box jump.  Gigi told me to look up at the wall when doing the box jump, instead of looking at the box.    This does seem to help a bit, but after working out 3 days in a row, doing Fran yesterday, and a 2nd WOD yesterday which include 50 wall-ball shots and stepping up and down from the box My legs were exhausted and I was terrified that I was going to not make it up on the box and wipe out.  I only got in 27 of these.

Finally we did our strength/skill work.  Tonight's skill was Clean and Jerk.  Now, I've only ever done this particular move one time, and I'm almost positive that I did it with 65#.  Tonight we were to do 5 Clean and Jerk, 1 at a time at a heavy weight.  Then 5 more, at a heavier weight.  Then 5x2 at the original weight.  I was working with my buddy, Megan Gross, and we started with 85# on the bar.  I did my 5, then Megan did hers.  Then we bumped it up to 95#, and the first time I attempted it, I didn't get the clean done, I dropped the 95# bar right on my chest.  I knew I was going to get through the skill work.  Megan was concerned too, so we did the last 3, facing each other on different bars, simultaneously.  I would count us down and we'd bust it out together.  Gigi was over next to me, killing it, doing Clean and Jerks with 115# on the bar.  The 95 was feeling pretty good, so I decided to try it.  The first time, I didn't even begin to get my chest out of the way, and slammed all 115 pounds right into the center of my breasts.  This is a PSA for any male readers...they really do just get in the way!!!  I tried about 5 or 10 more times, and nearly every time, couldn't get the bar past my chest to complete the clean.  Next time we do them, I'm so going to get that 115# up over my head.  In the mean time, I'm about 100% sure I'm going to have some nasty battle-wounds that I won't be able to post pictures of.  The pain is and will be worth it, and I'll dance all over the box just like I did the first time I dead lifted 205#.  

I am incredibly proud of myself tonight, and feel so good about working out with Gigi, Megan, Karen, Hunter and everyone else that was there tonight.  Next week I'll be there Monday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday again.  Still working on those amazing 2103 Health and Fitness Goals...but I'm getting much closer to admitting what they are.  I'm seriously close, and have to nail down how I'm going to make them happen, then I'll be ready to share!

See you back here Monday.  I can't wait for my next work out...I'm sore, but it's worth it!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Fran...She's a WITCH!

Wow--did my workout tonight.  It's the first time in a LONG time that I have done consecutive day workouts, and I'm trying to work in that direction in the new year.  I'm still considering what my health and fitness goals might be for the new year.  I have always made impulse "New Year's Resolution"s and thus have rarely actually achieved them.  I have quite a few in mind, and once I make a final, educated decision, I'll let you all in on it too.

So, I had read on a friend's page that today was going to be Fran at the box.  The benchmark WODs always scare me, and especially after I puked twice during Grace, intimidated doesn't exactly cover how these benchmark WODs make me feel.

So for the workout, 10 crucifix push-ups, 8 air squats, down and back high-knees, down and back butt kicks, down and back inch worm.  2 rounds of this.

WOD #1: Fran!
21-15-9 for time!
Thrusters RX for ladies is 65#, I did 55#
Jumping Pull-ups, Chest to bar (no bands)

I finished in 10:29

WOD#2: for time
50 Wall Ball Shots (I used an 8 pound ball)
40 box jumps (I had to step up and down)
30 KB swings (RX was a 35# KB, I used 26#)
20 ab mat sit-ups
10 hand-release push-ups (I am still doing the girlie push-ups)

I finished in about 11:50.  I wasn't facing the clock, and by the time I laid down in the floor to catch my breath, and rolled over and looked at the clock it was 12:01.

Tonight was AMAZING!  I felt really really strong tonight, and in spite of the soreness on the base of my neck from the weight of the bar during back squats yesterday, it felt great to get in another workout.  I was seriously considering a double tomorrow, but since I'm so sore, and we have a visitor coming to the box, I figure I'll hold off and save my best stuff for my new friend, Guanina Palermo-Pinckney.  It's gonna be FUN!!  Can't wait.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Strong Mamas rock...and I am one!!

Tonight's workout was awesome and self-affirming in a way I didn't know possible for me.

Our warm-up:
7 tuck jumps
7 spider man push-ups
7 bronco kicks

WOD #1: for time
Dead lifts (155# RX for women)
Get-up burpees

I got through the 12's and 9's, but I was done.  I actually tried to RX this one since dead lifts are the lift I am most comfortable with, which ended up being a bad idea.  I haven't had lower back pain in a LONG time during a WOD, but it showed back up tonight, and with a serious vengeance.  Now, in the past few times where I have not been able to finish a WOD, I have left the box embarrassed and in tears.  When I couldn't finish the 6 and the 3, I wasn't embarrassed AT ALL!  I knew I put a lot of weight on the bar, and I knew it was better to step away than to hurt myself.  I didn't storm out or cry, I just waited until.....

WOD #2:
Every Minute On the Minute, unbroken, complete the following:
Front Squat
Push Press
Back Squat
Push Press

Whatever time was left until the next minute mark was a rest.  I had 65# on the bar due to the Clean and how sore my back already was.  I seriously considered quitting a number of times.  and at minute 5 the idea got really tempting, but then I realized, once I finished the 5 minute round, I only had the 4, 3, 2 & 1 left, why quit?  I had finished 11, it wasn't that I wasn't capable of finishing, it was that I was sore and tired.  This wasn't a matter of self-preservation, this was a matter of perseverance.  This was a matter of giving up or finishing.  This was a matter of pride, and I refused to give up.  I finished, and did it hurt?  Sure it did, but was it worth it?  AB-SO-FREAKING-LUTELY!!!

Now, we usually do our strength or skill between the warm-up and the WOD, but tonight, we did it after the WODs.  Now, considering that my back was sore and screaming at me, the idea of not doing the skill was certainly tempting.  But again, this wasn't a matter of self-preservation, it was a matter of intestinal fortitude.  This was a matter of whether or not I was going to sabotage myself and let the workout beat me.

Tonight's strength/skill was back squats...ugh, double ugh, and triple ugh!
So we were to do 5 rounds, 5, then 4, then 3,3,3.  We were to add weight after each round.  I started with the ladies, and we had 65# on the bar.  then went to 85, and it was too light.  The boys next to us had 135# on the bar, so I decided to jump in with them.  I did 3 at 135, then the last 2 rounds at 155.  The bar was racked so high I couldn't even get it down, so the boys had to lift it off the rack and put it on my shoulders, let me back squat it, then help me by putting it back up on the rack since it was too high.

After we finished, we were talking a bit, and there was a guy visiting our box, in from college.  He looked pretty buff, like he lifts regularly.  He said, "you outdid me.  I was thinking it was too light, but I was struggling."  Now, I don't often pat myself on the back, but by golly, an early 20 year old guy home from college, incredibly fit, and I out-lifted him.  Now, here I am, double my ideal body weight, knocking on 38 years old with 3 kids, and I out-lifted him!  It rocks being a strong chick...and I should know, because I am one!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

God Knows What We Need

Sometimes it becomes crystal clear that God knows exactly what someone really needs to be comforted.

Last night I spent the evening in the ER with my baby girl.  She has pneumonia so we were getting paraded from her to the X-ray room, back to the treatment room.  I had this incredibly uneasy feeling all night in the ER because it was just 5 years ago tonight that I was admitted because our son had died and I was in labor and needed to deliver him.

Let me go back for those that don't know this part of my history.  We have 3 amazing children, and I am also the mommy to a baby in heaven.  It was our 3rd pregnancy, and though unplanned and unexpected, I was thrilled beyond compare when I discovered that I was pregnant.  It was definitely weird, as I had discovered my previous 2 pregnancies in late-October, and it was only Labor Day weekend.  The pregnancy was going along swimmingly.  We got to see our little baby wiggling, dancing and sucking his thumb at his 12 week ultrasound.  My dad was so enthralled with the images on the ultrasound, he was crowding out the ultrasound tech trying to get a better view of the screen.  I felt so blessed when I hit the 13 week mark and was so relieved that I would never feel the despair of a miscarriage.  Things were cruising right along, and the week after Thanksgiving, Barney and I took the kids to Disney World.  Though I was only 16 weeks along, it was glaringly obvious that I was pregnant in all of our pictures.  When you're only 5'2" tall, there's not much of anywhere for the baby to go, but out.  By the way, the overly sensitive sense of smell on a pregnant woman, at Disney at Christmas is torture.  That carousel you can see behind us is entirely edible.  It smelled of gingerbread deliciousness.  While we were at Disney Justin decided to taste-test the hand rails at the Magic Kingdom and found himself a good case of Hand, Foot and Mouth disease.  He was kind enough to share that virus with me.

Five years ago today, I woke up to work from home and found myself in a lot of pain.  Back pain to be specific.  I decided to work in my PJ's for the majority of the day and shower later for the sake of comfort.  I started to realize that the pain was coming and going at a very regular intervals, specifically every 8 minutes.  I became more and more uncomfortable, so about 6:30 I called my OB and let him know I was having contractions.  He told me I was too early for pre-term labor and it was likely a UTI and my uterus was irritated, thus contracting.  He told me to call back at 8:30 when the office opened and they would squeeze me in.  I had no idea that my life was about to fall apart.  I went in to the OB that morning around 10:15 or so, and he verified I had a UTI and just wanted to check on the baby.  He couldn't find the heartbeat and I jokingly said, "That's fine.  I was secretly hoping that the baby wouldn't cooperate so we could find out the sex of the baby for Barney's birthday tomorrow".  We went into the ultrasound room and my world shattered.  Still no heartbeat.  Internal ultrasound, still no heartbeat.  The doctor was flustered and sent me for an in-depth ultrasound with a high-risk doctor and in his haste, sent me to one that was closed for the day.  It was immediately evident when he did the ultrasound that our baby was gone.  He was so peaceful, no movement, no tell-tale flicker to indicate a heart beat.  I just laid there in shock, and cried.  I asked the doctor what was next and he said to go home and wait for my regular doctor to call.  I did.  Our pastor came over with some yummy cinnamon buns to pray with us, and while we were praying, my water broke.  A few minutes later the phone rang, and it was my OB.

Dr. Seidel told us what to expect, told us what our options were.  He cried on the phone with me, and spoke to Barney extensively.  Not long after that we headed to Duke Medical Center to have our angel baby.  I had had 2 previous c-sections and had been on blood thinners for the last 4-1/2 months.  All of these things meant that laboring could cause a ruptured uterus, and ultimately, my death, so we decided to err on the side of caution.  I fully intended to take advantage of any and all medications they would allow me to because the physical pain was NOTHING compared to the emotional pain.  How do you labor for 24 hours knowing that your baby is dead?  How do you maintain any level of sanity knowing that the baby you are in so much pain for is already gone?  How do you do any of this with and hint of dignity, knowing that you are about to deliver a dead baby on your husband's birthday?  Our precious Henry was born on Friday morning, December 14 at around 6:30.  We named him Henry James, after our paternal grandfathers.  He was perfect in every way save for 1, his missing heartbeat.  Henry weighed a little over 4 oz, and was 7-1/2 inches long.  I have never been so lost or felt so cheated in my life.  The doctors and nurses at Duke were unmatched in their care for me.  They were so peaceful, and accommodating in every way.    My parents and Barney's both came to the hospital and held our angel before they took him away.  Every year, on the 13th and 14th of December I am on the verge of a melt-down the entire day.  The slightest thing can set me off, from seeing a pregnant woman, to wishing Barney a happy birthday.  Last week I was completely unable to look at a friend's ultrasound pictures because it just reminded me all too much of what I was going through this time 5 years ago.  We have gone on to have Ella Sue.  She will never replace Henry, EVER, but it does make everything a little easier to cope with.

Being home with her today and tomorrow, due to her asthma, getting to snuggle with her, hug her, and spend time with her and Ada today has been exactly what my soul needed.  I don't feel as edgy today as I usually do on December 13th.  Tomorrow, she and I are going to make daddy some birthday cake/cupcakes, and spend the day together.  I know it's probably unfair, but I might take this day off from now on, just to spend it with my girl and not have to be anything more than her mom on this day.

I don't know if I'll make it to work out tomorrow, it'll depend on how she's feeling and if my parents feel comfortable watching her and all of her germs.  I would love to workout, but being her mommy is the best thing I can be tomorrow.

I know this is totally off the normal topic of my blog, but sometimes, for me, writing helps me to function and get things off my chest.  We'll be back to our regular programming with my next post, but I really needed to put this all down today.

Until next time.....

Henry's Mommy

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


24 hours after I left the box crying and not finishing my workout, I have a little perspective.  Did my workout suck?  YES.  Was/am I disappointed that I was unable to finish?  YES, but what really matters?

What really matters is that day in and day out I am challenging myself and my body to do things that had you told me a year ago I would be doing them, I would have laughed hysterically in your face.  I have the physical ability to push my body to do these things.  I have not been severely injured or disabled.  I have the opportunity to make a change in my life that some folks never will.  So why in the hell am I boo-hooing over ONLY completing 4-1/2 rounds when there are almost definitely men and women who wish they had the physical ability to even attempt 1 round?  Last night's post left me feeling better because I had vented, but also feeling incredibly selfish, and I don't like feeling this way.  There are people in this country and others that would give just about anything to have the opportunity to do what I did yesterday, and if they left in tears, it would likely be from gratitude.

I think it's time I take a look at what I'm thinking and feeling and remember what is important in life.  Thanks to everyone who reached out to me last night and this morning to check on me.  I really appreciate it.


Monday, December 10, 2012

ugh! Can I get a do-over?

Well, Tonight's WOD was the horrible ending the capped off my horrible day.  The first even of the day will not be mentioned here--next I got an email from HR in response to my questions about the status of the job I interviewed for and was told that another person had been recommended.  I got fussed at and yelled at by students, I had people sent to me that didn't have appointments and I didn't know were coming.  I had to do mommy duty in the parking lot because my 6 year old was refusing to go to school, screaming at my mom and refusing to let her brush her hair before school.  It was a long and very rough day...I just knew that going to workout was going to make it all better, because working hard and sweating always makes me feel better, and I feel like I accomplished something.  I was chatting with a friend of mine this afternoon, and told her that days like today make me want to quit.  I'm not going to quit, I'm NEVER going to quit, but days like this would normally be what did me in and made me walk away in the past.

I was so excited when I got to CrossFit, but that was VERY short-lived.  During the warm-up we needed to run 100 meters and I felt like I was running with anvils at the ends of my legs.

WOD#1--6 rounds for time, 25 minute max
3 squat cleans ( I had 65#)
20 ab mat sit-ups
6 inverted burpees (I had to do get-up to bronco kicks)
10 box jumps

I got through 4 complete rounds, and made it to the inverted burpees in the 5th round.  I was absolutely devastated.  I left the box in tears and just went and sat in the parking lot and cried.  I was embarrassed and frustrated.  I absolutely HATE not finishing.  I HATE DNF'ing.  I knew my lungs weren't on board for a lot of running tonight because I'm still coughing and congested, but I didn't expect to not be able to finish.

There was to be a second WOD which included sprints.  There was NO way I could sprint tonight, so after I failed at the first workout, I grabbed my stuff and headed to the car.  I just sat there and cried.  Our coach, Tyler, stopped me on the way out and told me that my attendance meant I was on the right path.  He told me to think back to what I was capable of when I started in late July, the answer is, I wasn't capable of much.  Today was a bad day, but as bac as it was, I am NEVER going to quit, Tyler & Andrea.  I will continue to show up and do the best I can.  I will get through this speed bump.  See you again on Wednesday!

Until next time....


Wednesday, December 5, 2012


Okay..time to calm down a bit, before I get too far ahead of myself.  I haven't worked out since the day before Thanksgiving (2 weeks?!?!?!) when I did the double workout.  The Monday after Thanksgiving I went down for the count with the stomach bug that my kids were kind enough to share with me, then parenting duties, and play practices and life just got completely in the way.  Then, this Monday the upper respiratory crap started.  Upper respiratory infection?  Sinus infection?  Who knows?  The fact is, 2 weeks is too damn long to go without working out.  The other thing that I have figured out is that missing even 1 workout makes it easier to miss another, and it's a slippery slope from there.  This is how people fall off the wagon.  This is how people lose the fire to change their lives.  Things happen, life happens, and contrary to popular belief, habits die a quick and quiet death.  I'm not going to lie, changing clothes to get ready for my workout I felt like I was suiting up for battle, a battle of wills, per se.  The reality is, my brain wants me to quit.  My brain seems to like the fat lazy heifer I have become over the years.  My brain has gotten rather comfortable in the cushy fat floored apartment she is resting in.  I've spent about the last 18 years teaching my brain that my body was meant to be slow, out of shape, fat and unhealthy and my brain has obliged and encouraged me to excel at this particularly unpleasant existence I've adopted.

Well, I am now trying to convince my brain that I can and should change my reality.  That I can and should excel at working out, but my brain isn't exactly on board yet, and my self-esteem is light-years away from believing this line I'm trying to feed it.  My self-esteem and self worth have always been far too willing to accept the negativity I have thrown their way and cheered on my negative body image and mind-set for some reason, so believing in myself is as foreign a language to my brain and my body as speaking Latin would be.

So tonight was a bit scary and intimidating to be back in the box, but if I'm being completely honest, I felt better in my WOD than I have in quite some time.  I felt refreshed and strong, even though I haven't been there in 2 weeks.

So our warm up was pretty straight forward, 10 medicine ball slams (10# ball), 5 push-ups, 5 pull-ups, bear crawl and 10 air squats.  I'm still not comfortable with bear crawls, so I left those out since it was only the warm up.

After our warm up we were working on our strength skill.  I was really excited to see that the skill for today was deadlifts.  I LOVE deadlifts.  I think this is partially because when I first started, they hurt me so bad.  I couldn't do deadlifts when I started with a 15# bar because of the back pain.  Now that I have been doing this for 4 months my core strength is much better, and I am a lot stronger.  The last time we did deadlifts for our 1 rep max, I started with the learner bar (25#) and only 1 10# plate on each side, so I had 45# on the bar total.  Andrea immediately told me that it was too easy and I needed to add weight.  I ended up maxing out the bar, and then moving to the larger bar and ran out of time, maxing out at 195#.  I was so mad at myself because I really wanted to break 200#.  So---Fast forward to tonight.  I saw deadlifts on the board and was ecstatic, but that was short-lived.  Being someone with very little self confidence, I get intimidated very easily.  When Andrea was pairing us up and putting us into groups with people who could lift about the same amounts, she told me I was too strong to lift with the group of girls, and I needed to lift with a pair of guys, Michael and another guy who I had never met before.  I can't remember his name to save myself right now.  Intimidated doesn't even cover this feeling.  Me?  Lift with 2 guys?  NO!!!  I'm not ready for that!!!  I'm not strong enough for that!!!!  I can't do it!!!!  I was scared half out of my mind which lasted just a few seconds, till they discussed starting out with 135# on the bar for the first round of 5 lifts.  SHIT!  Seriously?  135#?  I know my goal was 200, but I was planning to start a bit lower and build up to it, not just jump right to triple digits.  So, scared doesn't exactly cover how completely terrified I was.  I wanted to run screaming from the box and say, NO!!!  I CAN'T LIFT WITH BOYS!  WHAT ARE YOU?  CRAZY?!?!  So, I stepped up to the bar, asked permission to use a double-over grip since the mixed grip is so freaking uncomfortable for me, and Andrea said it was fine.  I did my 5 lifts at 135#.  Okay, so maybe I can do this after all.  Wait?  What?  You want to go ahead and jump to 185# already?  What are you smoking?, address the bar and do it!  And I up 205#.  Alright then, this is where the rubber meets the road, and can you really lift more than 200#?  I put my hands on the bar, and I was physically shaking. My inner self was laughing hysterically, rolling on the floor, crying type of laughing.  Only one way I know of to shut-up my inner skeptic, lift the damn bar.  Andrea said, "Get out of your head and stand up".  So, I did....and it worked!  I literally jumped up and down cheering myself on!  I just lifted 205 pounds, Me, I did it.  Next thing I know, there's 225# on the bar...I took one look at it and said, "I'm out".  The guys I was lifting with both did it, and made it look pretty easy.  They walked away to get more weights, and I stepped up to the bar.  Can I do this?  Can I lift 225?  Is that possible?  While no one was looking, I leaned over, grabbed the bar, and started to lift it.  It wasn't quick and easy like the earlier lifts, it is truly my 1-rep max right now, but I'll be damned if I didn't lift 225#.  Then I decided to try it again, this time with mixed grip, and now I know why they say to use that grip for heavy weights.  I did it.  I lifted 225#, not once, but twice.  I couldn't be more proud of myself.  Why am I so afraid of myself?  Why am I afraid of my own strength?  Why do I try to convince myself that I am incapable when I am clearly capable?  Next goal?  Lose enough weight and get stronger so my next PR is my body weight....right now that would be an additional 30 pounds, so if I lose some, and gain some strength, that should be possible.  Next up, 250!

Now, WOD #1, 2 minute AMRAP, which could easily qualify as the cardio portion of our workout, or another warm up, was 15 quick box jumps (jump up and down, but I have to step down still) and 5 kettle bell swings (I used a 26.5# kettle bell).  I only got through 1 round thanks to the respiratory crap I have going on, my asthma kicked in and I started hacking and wheezing.  WOW!  Who knew that 2 minutes could be so tough?

WOD#2--4 rounds
10 burpees (hands on the 12" box)
10 medicine ball sit-ups
10 walking lunges
10 toes-to-bar
10 half-jacks

After 1 round, I looked at the clock, and I was at 2:50, after round 2, I realized I had forgotten my half jacks  in round 1, so I did 20 half jacks in the second round.  After 2 rounds, I was right around 6-1/2 minutes.  I had hoped going in to do the WOD in 13 minutes or less.  I know that my rounds get slower as I go, so I wasn't really sure that was going to happen.  I kept trying to push through, but I was definitely struggling.  I continued to push, and work, and eventually, I was in my last round of walking lunges.  I was struggling and I  stopped for a second.  I heard Tyler say, "Push Krista, you can rest when you're done!"  Well, there's a different perspective I hadn't considered previously...Okay, Tyler, push it is.  I ended up finishing the WOD in 13:05.  Even though I didn't finish in my goal time, I did very well.  I used to count this as a failure, but now, it's a success.  The reality is, I didn't quit, and I WON'T quit!  I'm going to beat this body fat, I'm going to come out on top, and hold my head high.  I will overcome these hurdles in my way, and do it with my teeth gritted, cursing, sweating and swearing if I have to.  So, as far as my workouts go, I'm still good, and I'm going to keep bustin' ass.  I've got what it takes to be successful, and I have to do it.

Thank you again, Andrea, for pushing me what way I need to be pushed.  Gentlemen, thank you for letting me lift with you.  I was incredibly intimidated to do so, thanks for cheering me on!

Till next time--


Thursday, November 22, 2012

I did a double...

Yesterday, on the day before thanksgiving, I did a double workout.  It was the first time I have ever done that, and I wasn't all that sure it was going to happen.  I headed out to the box at 8:45 with my buddy, Faith, so she could kind of get an idea of what CrossFit is all about.  I have been telling her about it since I started, but she wanted to see what it was.

I explained how CrossFit works, about the whiteboards with the WOD written on it, and our times/scores on them.  Then it was time to get started.


200 meter run
5 Hand Stand Push Ups (I can't do these yet, so I put my knees on a box, hands on a floor)
10 pull-ups (I still have to use the strongest bands/red)
15 crucifix push ups (the girlie kind, on my knees)
20 Kettlebell swings (26# for me)

Each round was 52 points, I made it through 3 complete rounds, for a total of 156 points.

Afterwards I went home for some laundry and housework to get ready for our trip to barney's hometown for the weekend.  I finally got up the nerve to re-arrange our bedroom, so my 2nd workout involved the moving of our queen-sized bed, a triple dresser with a mirror, a chest of drawers, a double-dresser, 2 night stands and a cedar chest.  Mid-afternoon, I started to notice a discoloration on my thighs and was trying to figure out how I had bruises in straight-lines across my thighs, just above my knees....It appears the modified hand-stand push-ups on the box have left me with some pretty impressive battle-wounds.  See pictures:

Right Leg

Left Leg

Finally, I had decided to do a double workout, and promised my buddy Jeff Krenrich I would do the double, and I'd meet him at the box at 6:30 for a second workout. I also decided to I could almost definitely beat my time from the morning, and I needed to see if I was right. was off to WOD #2 of the day and what amounted to a 3rd workout after the re-arranging of the bedroom furniture.

This time I decided to do 100 meter runs instead of 2, because of the swelling in my ankle and the exhaustion after the furniture changes. This actually worked to my benefit I think, since running isn't my strong-suit. I was able to bet through the entire WOD 3x again, and complete the 4th run, HSPU, Pull-ups and 6 of my crucifix push-ups. My score for my second WOD was 175. It felt really good to get a second workout in, especially since I was going to be away from the box the rest of the weekend. I was right, I could beat my original time.  I knew I had it in me.

Unlike in previous years, I didn't stuff myself to the point of nausea with all of the Thanksgiving goodies. I didn't even eat a piece of pie. I did eat some mashed potatoes, a bit of Sweet Potato Casserole, 2 yeast rolls and a little bit of Turkey.

Tomorrow I'm going to swim some laps in the hotel pool, and Saturday evening when we get home, I'm going to be going for a run, on Sunday too.  I've got to get some serious miles in to get ready for this race
in February at Disney.  I can't get swept again, and I won't allow me to sabotage myself again, as I have always done in the past.  I deserve better.  I deserve to succeed.  I deserve to accomplish what I have set out to do.  

Monday, November 19, 2012

Grace?!?! Um, I need some

Wowie, wow!!

I returned to CrossFit APX tonight, and as a thanks for my absence, I was welcomed back with an ass-kicking pair of WODs that left me in the parking lot puking after the first, and a 3rd time heaving in the midst of the second workout.  Now, anyone who knows me will tell you that I don't believe in vomiting.  I was pregnant 4 times, and could count on 1 hand the number of times I vomited.  I didn't eat chicken for 7-1/2 months while pregnant with Ada because that was what caused me to be sick with her.  With Justin and Henry, it was brushing my teeth, which I did research and found Cinnamon toothpaste to be the cure.  With Ella, it was actually bronchitis, and coughing till my body revolted.  I DO NOT throw up.  It is against everything I believe in.  I once joked with a therapist that diagnosed me as anorexic/bulimic that I couldn't even bulimic and do it right because I binged, but forgot to throw it back up.  That diagnosis has now been amended to be Binge Eating Disorder.  Sometimes I don't eat at all, other times, I can eat 2,000 calories in 1 sitting.  Depends on where I am emotionally.

At any rate...Today's WODs kicked my BOO-TAY!

WOD #1, "Grace"

30 Ground to Overhead, and we were to use a Clean & Split Jerk to accomplish this.  RX for ladies was 95#.  I went with 65, and man-oh-man, was I feeling it.  After the first 10 in 1:18, I was hoping I could finish in under 5 minutes.  It took me 5:18.  One of the members there for the 6:30 workout said he was changing his shoes and all he heard was "shit, F&*%, and barbells hitting the floor".  Not all that lady-like, I know....and all the while I was wearing my Minnie Mouse t-shirt that says, "I look this cute every day."  Um, cute isn't exactly the terminology to describe me during "Grace", and neither is "Grace".

I grabbed a drink of water, and my gag reflex was in full on hyper-sensitivity, because the water hit my throat and it and my lunch came right back up, not once, but twice.  Then it was time to get back in the box and get ready for WOD #2.  I missed the explanation, but we were counted off in 2's because we had so many people and we wouldn't have enough space to do the bar work all at the same time.

WOD #2: (I started at the end of the WOD, so what I'm typing is what I did, while others started somewhere else in the workout.

30 burpees (I modified mine after the first 8 to use the box, because my hip flexor was really smarting and my stomach was not on board for full-on burpees)
20 walking lunges with a 25# plate overhead
30 T2B (I still can't do these, but did curls that were a lot more like Knees-to-Elbows)
30 box jumps (12" box)
30 Push Press (RX for ladies was 45, I did 65 still)  with a quick run to the parking lot after the 20th
15 jumping pull-ups

I finished in 18:09.  Man, it feels good to have completed it, but boy do I HATE to be sick.  I finished over an hour and a half ago, but I'm afraid to eat because I'm afraid it won't stay down.  Not cool!!  I've got my eye on some yogurt, just need to brave it.

What an awesome welcome back WOD.  That just teaches me that staying away means you'll always get your butt kicked when you come back.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


Well, you have all probably noticed that I haven't posted about my workouts this week and the very simple reason for that is that I haven't worked out.  I have been fighting migraines all week, and just feeling unmotivated to do anything other than pull the covers up over my head pretending that the world doesn't exist.  Let me explain why.

First, I had such a horribly migraine this weekend, one so bad that I felt like my eyeballs were pulsating in their sockets and I could SEE my heartbeat.  It took me a good couple of days, till late Wednesday afternoon to finally completely get rid of the pain.

Then there have been a lot of my friends going through extremely difficult times.  I needed to step back and re-evaluate where I was myself and what my motivations for things are. I have been privy to the knowledge that a group of people who claim to be friends and Christians are apparently doing all they possibly can to demolish the business and reputation of someone who has done more for me to help me through this journey than I could ever have asked.  The fact is, the viciousness with which they are attacking this person is so offensive and frightening I can't even comprehend it.  It is a personal vendetta taken to the extreme limits of my comprehension.  I will NEVER understand how any self-respecting person could do the things that are being done in this situation.  People who are this hateful, mean and spiteful must really hate themselves to treat someone as genuine and wonderful the way that they are.

Fast forward a few days and I find out that the husband of an online friend in a group of women who have been together for 5 years since we all went through the loss of our babies that were due in May of 2008 has cancer.  This group of women have thrown baby showers for subsequent pregnancies, supported each other through addiction, domestic violence, secondary infertility, infidelity, divorce, dating, children with special needs and re-marriages.  This week we found out that the husband of one of our beloved campers has stage 4 bowel cancer and surgery is not an option.  Tori and Rob have 2 children the ages of my 2 girls, 6 and 4.  Rob has 2 older children from his previous marriage.  I cannot even begin to comprehend how they must be feeling right now, and all I can think is that I don't know how I would be able to function if I were in their shoes.  They are handling this diagnosis with more strength and grace than I can comprehend, and all I can think is how badly I wish I could be there, though I don't know that I would even be able to say ANYTHING or do ANYTHING worth saying or doing, other than offer support.

It hit me as I was wallowing in all of this drama and sadness, that if I don't get off my ass and make a serious change to my lifestyle, it could be my family that is in Tori and her boys' shoes.  It could be my family trying to explain to my kids why mommy had a stroke, or a heart attack, or one of the various other issues that comes along with morbid obesity.  So its time to get it in gear.  It is okay to grieve for my friends and to wish I could help them with everything in my power.  But the biggest thing I can do in honor, respect and tribute of them and their struggles is to make sure that my family doesn't have to walk in the same shoes they are walking in right now.

So, let me take this opportunity to tell Andrea, how much I appreciate your support, knowledge and understanding.  Your journey from bulemia to health and fitness is nothing short of amazing and miraculous.  Being able to talk to someone who has fought the fight that I'm in round 1 of right now makes it easier to put the puzzle together and almost make sense of it all.  You are an inspiration, and a consummate professional.   You treat everyone you encounter with the dignity and respect you would want in return, and it has served you well in your life and career.  You rock socks, I don't care what anyone else thinks, says, feels or posts.

Tori and Rob, I can't begin to comprehend what lies ahead of you and how you are feeling.  Please know that you and your families are in my prayers, and will remain there at all times.  If anyone is ornery enough to kick cancer's ass, it is most definitely, Mr. Contraction.  We love you both.

Princess Krista

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Where has my head been?!?!?!

So I have been trying to figure out how to reach my health and fitness goals, and have been busting my ass at CrossFit APX but not seeing the results I really desire.  Well, sometimes I hear this voice, and I will literally look around and wonder who is talking and there is NO ONE there.  Then I realize...Um, God is speaking to you....Start listening!!!

This has happened to me a few times, in my life, most recently today.  I was walking back to my office after grimacing at myself in the ladies' room mirror.  I heard this voice say, "You get out of your body what you put in it."  I walked back into my office and the coffee cup from lunch, and blueberry muffin bag from Dunkin Donuts this morning.  I can't expect my body to operate well if I feed it crap, right?!?!  And working out 3 days a week for 1 hour will certainly not undo the bad I am doing 7 days a week, all freaking day!  I've also been trying to figure out how I can get to my CrossFit workouts, fit in runs, and not lose more time with my kids.  I like my 5:30 workouts at CrossFit, but was thinking I would need to switch to morning workouts.  I have decided that I have a 3-pronged attack I'm going to try. 

1--I am going to start swimming on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at the local gym I belong to.  This should help my cardio and endurance while taking some of the load and strain off of my joints. 

2--I will be running inside on their track on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, and doing my long runs on Saturday mornings, either at the American Tobacco Trail or at the lake near my house I just found out is a 2 mile loop.

3--I will continue to do my CrossFit workouts at 5:30 pm on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. 

This should help me address the strength and cardio issues without killing me.  The gym opens at 5:00 am, so I just need to force myself out of bed at that unGodly hour to get in an hour of swimming or running before I get ready for work in the morning, while Barney is still home getting ready for work himself.

Then there is the Nutrition part of the attack.  I desperately need   to address this issue, or all of the workouts will be in vain for sure.  I'm going to finish reading my "for fun" book in the next few days, and by December 1st I will have also completed reading The Primal Blueprint.  I was told by my physician that this would be the best food lifestyle for me with my PCOS, so I'm going to educate myself and go with it.

The third part is proper supplementation.  As I mentioned before, I had my BioSig measurements taken by Jared Olson of Next Level Nutrition.  He sent me information on what I needed to do based on those results and blood work that I had done as well.  I have ordered the first 30 days of supplements, but need to go back and read what I am supposed to be taking, which I will begin doing on November 15. 

If I address the workouts, the nutrition and supplementation, I should start to see results.  I need to educate myself, and just like with the workouts, I need to fake it until I make it with nutrition and supplementation.  It isn't going to be an overnight cure, and it will take a while I'm sure.  But I have nothing but time. 

So--45 minute run tonight, up for a swim in the morning.  Hoping that this will help me get my mojo back, and kick-start my metabolism. 

Princess Krista

Saturday, November 10, 2012


I went back to CrossFit last night and worked out for the first time since my race.  We worked on our planks, and on knees to elbows.  I'm finally starting to get the body mechanics of K2E, it's the strength to hold myself up and hang from the bar to be able to do them.  Holding 257 pounds up and swinging from the bar is hard on your hands.  Incidentally, I tore open 2 calousses last night.

The first Wod was 40 seconds of quick box jumps, then 20 seconds of K2E.  The goal was speed and intensity.  You were supposed to use a smaller box than you are used to, but I already use the smallest box available (12"), so I went with that, and speed wasn't really an option for me.  We didn't count reps on this WOD, the purpose was the speed and athletic movements.  We did 5 rounds of this.

The second WOD was a 400 meter run, then, in what was left of that 3 minute round you were to do as many cleans as possible.  Because I'm still recovering from the Half marathon, my right ankle is still very sore and swollen, and I still have blisters, we went with me doing 200 meters for me, then cleans.  We did 4 rounds of this one.  So I did 200 meters, then 5 cleans in the first round, 1 minute rest, didn't run the second round, but did 6 cleans, 1 minute rest, 200 meters and 5 cleans in the 3rd round 1 minute rest, and 200 meters and 4 cleans in the fourth round.  I was doing 65# cleans, and made it to 20 of them.

My ankle is still sore, so I am now VERY aware of the fact that for the Princess and every training run, I WILL be wearing my ankle brace.  I will also be wearing it during the recovery of about a week or 2 after, every single day.  I will also be icing it regularly after my runs, and after the Princess, I'll be one of those folks walking around with a bag of ice strapped to my ankle.

Today is a 3 mile run/walk for training.  I think I'm going to head over to the high school track here in town, so I know how far I am going and to help with some intervals for running/walking and consistency.  I'm going to try to do the whole 3 miles with a 200 meter jog, 200 meter walk.

Until next time....

Princess Krista

Friday, November 9, 2012

first run/walk after the half

Huge thanks to Emily for coming to meet me for my first run/walk since the half on Sunday.  I did 30 minutes last night, and will be doing 45 minutes to an hour tomorrow.  My blisters are still a bit sore, but everything else felt pretty good.  Weird thing is, my calves never once hurt or felt tight during the half but that was the first thing I felt last night.  I've got to get an interval timer or something though, to make my runs/walks more regular.  Time to kick this training thing in gear, so I can finish the PHM in under 3:30. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Training Concerns

Okay, so after the race on Sunday, I have a list of things that I KNOW I need to address before February. 

1--I need to figure out nutrition on long runs.  I ate a Cliff Bar at about 6:00 while I was on the way to the race and nothing else until after the race was over, I'd gone back to the hotel and taken a shower, and went to IHOP.  I think this may well have contributed to my dizziness and nausea at the end of the race that had me throw in the towel.

2--I need to get some "wright socks" to wear to prevent blisters, and put vaseline on the bottoms of my feet too.

3--I need to get a GPS watch.  The HRM does nothing but overwhelm me.  The chest strap chaffes and leaves me with scabs all around my chest, and if I had a GPS, I would have known I only had .6 miles left, and wouldn't have asked some stupid cop that was clueless.

4--I need an iFitness belt to carry things in.

5--I need to make a check-list for the morning of the race so I don't forget things like I usually do

6--I will NEVER AGAIN use icy hot

7--I need to find a more effective way of communicating with my friends/loved ones while I"m on the race course.

8--for me, sometimes I need to know just what I'm capable of doing without really preparing or trying, to get an idea of what I might be able to do once I do.  I don't know that I would have had any confidence going into Princess Half Marathon if I hadn't done the race on Sunday.  Now that I know I almost did it w/o training, I'm 100% certain that if I train, I can do what I want to do, and possibly finish between 3:00 and 3:30, which would be AMAZING!!!

9--My value lies in what I believe of myself and tell myself.  I am not defined by what I am told, or what others think of me.  I have to be my own biggest fan, because depending on others to do that for me can be fickle, and frustrating.  I have always depended on others to tell me what I was capable of because I was afraid to believe my own thoughts and fail, so I figured people on the outside looking in had a more realistic perspective of my abilities.  I was wrong.  I KNOW what I can do, and I NEED to do it, regardless of what the doubters in my life try to tell me. 

Keep on dreaming, folks.


Monday, November 5, 2012

The aftermath....

Well, I stayed home from work today because I'm shuffling more than walking.  Some pain in my right ankle, and my knees are pretty tight.  The blisters on the bottoms of my feet are re-absorbing and don't hurt nearly as bad today as yesterday.  I need to get a shower and take some Advil for my knees and ankle.  I need the swelling to go down and get the soreness to go away.  I'm going to recover for a couple of days, and then back to CrossFit on Wednesday and a short run on Thursday.  I've got a lot to do before February 24, and now that I know I can do this, the training will be even easier to do.  I think I've found it difficult to train because I was so scared that even after I trained I wouldn't be able to do it, but now I know better.

I need to say a big thank you to CrfossFit APX for helping me through that race yesterday.  I mentioned in my race recap the ladies that I am friends with online, the Running Mom's Mafia.  Well, CrossFit APX is my in person support team.  I have learned so much about my limits, my abilities and what I am really capable of from them.  In the past I've been all too willing to give up and walk away when things got difficult.  The last 3 months at CrossFit APX, pushing through tough workouts and realizing that a lot of my limitations are self-imposed really helped me yesterday.  I was able to tell myself, "You didn't think you could get through those workouts either, but you did it."  I was able to push-on and persevere yesterday because of the mental strength that CrossFit training has started to instill in me.  I really appreciate all of you so much, you will never know.  Thank you for the role you are playing in my journey to find the best me I can be, and the woman God created me to be!


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Proud doesn't even begin to cover it!

Okay, So here's the recap of how today went.

I got woken up bright and early this morning, like 3:00 old time, by a drunk marine who was running around the hotel on our floor pounding on doors, apparently confused.  His eyes looked wild, and he was looking around a lot.  After the 2nd time he did it, I called the desk and asked them to send security up to deal with it.  He did it a third time and I said, "Dude, stop, wrong room!"

Then, at 4:00 new time my wake up call came in, a full hour early, even though I clarified, "5:00 new time" so I set the alarm on my phone for 5:00 and went back to sleep, then slept through it, and didn't wake up until 5:39.  Jumped into a quick shower, got dressed and ready and headed out to the race.  I got there and checked in, picked up my race number put my race shirt in the car w/Barney.  I stopped at the porta pottie and headed to the start line, which wasn't very well marked AT ALL.  At 3 minutes before the walker start myself and 3 other girls just started walking to the start line since no one had announced we should, and we wanted to be ready to go.  We got race instructions, including "Stay to the right", "Move out of the way for the runners", "Don't turn unless you see a volunteer telling you to".  These made me wonder how well the race was marked and I quickly found out exactly what the issue was.

So they sounded the Starting Air Horn, and we all took off.  I jogged for a while, then started walking, and maintained that for quite a while.  In the first 3 miles you go up and over 2 bridges.  I came up and over the first bridge and when I got to the bottom on the other side, I saw a 1 mile sign, which seemed pretty far, but about 100 yards further down saw a mile 2 sign, and a water stop.  All of the race information indicated water stops every 2 miles, so I thought, "Wow, I'm really moving out." I even asked the folks working at the water stop and they said, "Yep, mile 2".  Looked at my watch, saw 20:22 and thought, "is that even possible?  Two 10 minute miles right out of the gate?!?!  The resounding answer I figured out later on was NO!!!!  As the second bridge comes to an end, the traffic needs to be able to exit to the right, and racers are going straight.  NOT GOOD.  I was so nervous about someone coming speeding along and taking out some runners.  I heard the air horn to start the runners when I was between miles 3 and 4 and knew they were coming.  After mile 3, we hit the cobblestone roads along the water front in Wilmington....not a good thing when you have notoriously bad ankles.  I made it through unscathed and continued on.  I got water at mile 4 and pushed on.  Between miles 4 and 5 The runners caught me.  They were CRUISING!!!  I spent miles 5-9 saying consistent "thank you"s to runners who came by, gave me thumbs up, congratulations, encouragement, way to go's, etc.  I was humbled by the number of them that took the time to encourage me.  None of them HAD to do it, but maybe 50-100 did.  It really did make me very proud.

Now, if you have never run the Battleship half, let me say that Greenfield lake, which you run around, is apparently 4-1/2 miles, but when you're doing it, it feels more like it's big enough to qualify as a great lake.  I also figured out somewhere between miles 7 and 10 that people were weaving back and forth across the road to find shadows because it was so freaking HOT!  I got some sun on my face.  At mile 10 I was feeling really rough, my hamstrings had tightened up pretty bad, I was hot, and thirsty, and contemplating packing it in.  As luck would have it, the water at mile 10 was being handed out by employees of Try Sports.  A very nice guy named Adam asked me how I was doing, and when I told him my Hamstrings were so tight, he showed me how to stretch them out.  He also walked with me for a while since he was on his way to his car.  He told me to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and I was going to finish.  I was with him on that until about 10.75 miles, when I didn't think I'd do it.  I found a piece of grass, in the shade, and I sat down and stretched.  I called my mom, and she told me how proud she was of me.  I could see the mile 11 sign, but I wasn't quite there.  Then I realized, I could have been the last person on the course, and there was no one to take me in.  So I stretched out, got up, and kept on moving.  I passed mile 11, and I could see the entrance ramp for the last bridge I would have to cross.  At the bottom of the entrance ramp were 2 cops.  I got my mile 12 water, and the 1 officer told me that they were about to open the bridge, and one would be in front of me, and he would be following me.  I told him that was fine, but to keep his gun away from me, because I just might shoot myself.  He said, "no, ma'am, you're doing great!"  I went on up and the DOT workers told me they were taking the cones up and I needed to be careful, because there would be cars in the lane I was walking in.  The officers didn't allow that to happen, but they did remind me that the grates on the bridge would be slick.  Now, what they don't tell you is that the grates have nubbs sticking up, and at mile 12 of a half marathon, with massive blisters on the bottoms of your feet, it feels like you might as well be walking on glass with bare feet.  As I came down the other side of the bridge, I stopped to stretch and the same officer that had told me he was going to follow me put his car in park, and came to talk to me.  He asked if I was ok, and offered assistance, and I told him I was OK, just stretching.  I started moving again, and he ended up in front of me.  This time when I stopped to stretch, he got out of his squad car and brought me a bottle of water.  I kept moving and as I got to the bottom of the bridge/exit ramp, I passed some really smelly road kill.  I felt like the world was spinning around me.  I asked the other officer how much I had left and he said, "About a mile to a mile and a half."  I knew with how I was feeling, if I tried to make it another mile and a half, I would face plant for sure.  So I climbed in the squad car and immediately started crying.  He offered to let me back out, and I declined.  Then he drove me to the end of the race, and sent me to the medical tent.  They got me some ice packs, more water and a banana. Barney caught the river taxi back over to get our car so he could drive over and get me, since I wasn't so sure about riding on the water with my head already spinning.  As I was sitting there, the race director came over to talk to me.  He asked how I was feeling, whether I was OK, etc. Another volunteer asked how I did and I told her I had had to quit.  I told her where, and she said, you made it 12-1/2 miles, we're giving you a medal, we have plenty left over.  At the Princess I didn't feel like I deserved my medal, but by God, only .6 miles from the finish, I wasn't going to argue.  I couldn't be more proud of myself and what I accomplished today.  I wasn't sure if I had really made it 12-1/2 miles, so Barney and I clocked it when we left the race and he was exactly right.  I just sat in the car and cried.  .6 miles, 6 tenths of a freaking mile, and I couldn't finish?!?!  If the cop had told me that, I'd have pushed forward and made it to the end.

 I honestly feel pretty good physically, but the entire balls of my feet are covered in blisters.  I also have some pretty bad chaffing under my left arm and on my left side from my sports bra, and after the 2+ hour ride home, I am pretty sore from the waist down.  My right hip is sore, and my knees hurt a bit.  My ankles hurt a bit too, but in the grand scheme of things I feel good.  Once they got the ice packs on my neck (jugular vein) and my blood and skin started to cool down, I felt good.  We went back to the hotel so I could shower, then headed to IHOP for a meal and home.  My eyes were clearly bigger than my stomach, because all I could handle was 2 scrambled eggs and a chocolate milk.  No meat, no hash browns, no pancakes.  Well, that and 3 glasses of water.

Here is what I know for sure:
1--I can do anything I set my mind to.
2--I do far better with music to listen to.  (Left the ear buds in the hotel room.)
3--I don't NEED anyone to do it with me.  I am capable of encouraging and being my own cheerleader.
4--I have a lot of training left to do before the Princess, which is in just under 4 months.
5--The Running Mom's Mafia is invaluable to me.  They were texting me, facebooking me and messaging me throughout the race.  These women are Ironman finishers, sub-4:00 marathon runners, Cancer survivors, and they took time to encourage me all day.  They are what true friends look like, and though I've not met many of them in person, I know that they have my back when I need them.

Finally, I am a person who has struggled with self-worth and knowing what I was capable of accomplishing my entire life.  I am not someone who has ever been truly proud of myself.  Today, that all changed.  I LOVE that I did this today.  I love that I can say I am truly and genuinely proud of what I did.  My life is full of gratitude today.  Come February 24, I WILL be finishing the Princess Half Marathon.  I WILL be ready to do it in under 3:30, I WILL have another princess medal around my neck in February!

It feels so good to be proud and not defeated.  It's unfamiliar territory, but I really like it.  I also need to send a big shout out to my husband.  Running isn't his thing really, but he was there for me.  He took me to the race at the butt-crack of dawn.  He came back to get me after the race was over.  He was there at the finish line if I had been able to finish.  His pride in me and support of me is unmatched, and I truly appreciate every second of it!  I love you baby!


Friday, November 2, 2012

Friday's WOD---a bit more progress

Today's WOD was fun, although I have some form break issues that need to be addressed.  We did 3 rounds, for time, 10 back squats, 10 front squats, 10 overhead squats, RX for ladies was 75#, and I did 55#, all 3 rounds.  The most sore part of my body right now is my wrists.  When I do cleans/front squats, I can't get the bar far enough back on my shoulders and get my elbows up high enough to roll the bar back and take the weight and pressure off my wrists.  Then with the overhead squats it's tough to get my hands wide enough apart it is incredibly uncomfortable for my wrists.  I finished my 3 rounds at 9:55 with 55# for all 3 rounds of squats.

Then we did Tabata training, 8 rounds of 20 seconds on, 10 second rest alternating exercises between Burpees, low-jacks and Hand release push-ups.  By the time it was over, I sat down and started heaving.  I almost hurled all over the box floor.  Not good considering  that there is already a mess at the box from there being a plumbing leak.  I thought I was going to toss cookies all over the floor...ugh.

Now for the exciting part.  I'll spare you any pictures as proof of what I'm about to tell you, because then you'd likely toss your cookies all over the computer screen.  as a girl who is "thick" for lack of a better word, I have forgotten that my body used to have curves in the right places, and not just between my rolls.  Well, today, as I looked in the mirror, I noticed that where I used to have a VERY round side/roll, I now have smaller rolls, that go in at my waist.  I also noticed that while my hips are still rounded, they don't stick out as far as they used to.  My body is finding its shape again.  It's time for me to do measurements again, since I did them at the beginning of October, so we'll see how that goes.  I may or may not post them this weekend.

As it stands for now, I'm going to go spend "girl time" with my baby girl and give her all the mommy snuggles I have.  She was the best cheerleader ever tonight, and actually did most of our tabata training with us.  She loves to do burpees, so she's an old pro at those.  When I started struggling she'd say, "Don't stop mommy, keep doing them with your friends."  She's the best little cheerleader any mommy could ever ask for.  I am so very blessed to have her in my life, as well as the other kids.  It is hard for me to comprehend at times, but if we hadn't lost Henry, we wouldn't have Ella.  I never got to know him, but I truly believe she's as sweet as she is, because she got a chance to love her big brother before she got here.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Please let me clarify!

Just to clarify a few things.  Yes, I am registered for a half marathon, but I realize that completing it this weekend with the minimal training I have done isn't likely at all, even though I have been working out consistently and Cross Fitting 3 days per week. 

1--I have no intention of pushing myself to injury.  I am very good at listening to my body and the first time something hurts, I'm done.

2--I have checked with the race director about the options as it pertains to dropping out and made sure I am fully aware and educated about that process and how it works.

3--I appreciate the concern everyone has expressed about me doing this.

4--If I get swept and don't get a medal, I'm cool with that.  I don't even know where my princess medal from last year is because I never felt as though I earned it.

5--I have to do a long run this weekend of 1 hour anyway, if I feel good and make it an hour and a half, great, anything beyond that 1 hour training run is gravy for me.

6--and most importantly, I am not emotionally invested in this race, AT ALL!  I was very emotionally invested in the Princess Half last year, and yes, I was devastated and embarrassed and depressed when I didn't finish, even though I was aware that that was the likely outcome.  Because I have no emotional investment in this race, it will neither make me nor break me.  If I get swept, fine, if I finish, fine.  I'm ok with whatever happens this weekend. This race, nor any other race I ever run will define me.  I am not defined by exterior praise or failures, I am defined by who I am internally, as a person.

7--My ultimate goal is the Princess Half Marathon on February 24.  I will do NOTHING to jeopardize my participating in that race.  If that means I do a 5k this weekend, I'm ok with that. 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Breathe in.....Breathe out......

Okay, so you may or may not remember that this spring I posted this saying that I would be running the Battleship Half Marathon in Wilmington, NC.  Things have gone a little crazy since thing, I've waxed and waned on whether I would actually run this weekend or not.  I've been doing a lot of cross-fitting, and some running (though admittedly, not as much as I would like).  Well, as of yesterday, our trip to Ohio to take my dad up to spend some time with his mom got cancelled thanks to "Frankenstorm Sandy" so I'm going to go to the race on Sunday.  I know I won't break any land-speed records or anything, but this will give me a good idea also of how far I have to go on February 24, and how far my training has to improve me before February 24.  The time limit for this race is 4 hours, and I can saunter a mile without trying in about 17 minutes.  I'm also going to dedicate this run to two women who are fellow runners who have recently passed on.  Amy Wayne was the running buddy of one of my online friends who was tragically hit and killed by a car this past week.  She was only 27 years old, was following all of the traffic laws and doing what she should have been, but she was still killed.  Kristen is a close friend of another of my online Running Mom friends who just succumbed to cancer yesterday.  I run in their memory, and pray for their friends and family at this very difficult time. 

Now--Last night's workout, yes, I went, even though my left arm didn't really feel up to it.  I went because even though I knew it would be uncomfortable, its time that you are uncomfortable that you have the most opportunity for growth.  This is when you find your limitations and figure out if they are really limits or if you can do more.  I did have to modify my pull-ups to ring-rows to take some of the pressure of my left arm. 

We did Tillman, in honor of Pat Tillman.  Clearly, with my arm hurting, I didn't even attempt the dead lifts at RX, so I just did 75#, our RX run was 100 meters, and for the pull-ups I did standing ring rows.  You were to do 7 rounds for time and we did a 30 second rest between each round, instead of 45 seconds.  My goal was to finish in under 20 minutes, and I finished in 20:06.  The really difficult part was the run for me, because with it being about 48* and my asthmatic lungs not liking cold air, I was running with my sweater over my face to keep my lungs from hurting so badly.  It was also drizzling a bit of rain which wasn't any fun either.  It was a rough work out, but one definitely worth doing!  As weird as it sounds, my left arm felt better afterwards.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

change of approach

So I have been working out 3 days/week, but the diet part has been pretty much status quo which is why I'm not seeing as much results as I should be.

So, Starting this week, I am going to switch my CrossFit workouts to the AM, 6:00 AM to be exact.  I'm not usually a morning person, but it will work out better with the kids, and homework and their schedules if I am at home in the evenings after work.  Starting on Tuesday, November 6th, I'm going to start the 2 week reset from the P.I.N.K. method diet plan to help get all of the sugars, and processed crap out of my diet.  I did it earlier this year, and saw a great deal of success with it, and even lost 12 pounds in the first 2 weeks of doing it.  I will also start using the supplements recommended to me by Next Level Nutrition the same day.  After the 2 weeks of the Pink RESET I am going to move into a strictly Paleo diet using meals from Custom Fit Meals Monday-Friday.  I am going to vary the Paleo diet on the weekends to include some good carbs and things like brown rice and sweet potatoes.  I feel like I am finally getting an idea of what it is going to take for me to see the results I really want and it is just a matter of sticking to the plan.  I am also going to be running 2 nights a week and on Saturday mornings.  We are under 4 months to the Princess Half Marathon, and I truly feel like getting my eating in order, doing CrossFit 5 days/week, running 3 days a week is going to get me into the best shape possible for the Princess.  I am so excited about what the future holds for me.

Finally, I have done a lot of talking to someone that works out at my box this week.  I have always had a very negative self-image.  She called me on it and said some things that made me take a second look at myself.  What Nichole pointed out to me was this, "When you have trouble look at the reflection of the love you receive from others. People love you because of your goodness and beautiful heart and soul." She also pointed out that just like someone can be over-confident and end up looking like a cocky asshole, you can take humility too far.  I've never seen my self-loathing as being humble, more so as being honest.  But I really think Nichole may be right.  If I was the horrible person I see in myself, I wouldn't have the amazing friends in my life that I do.  People wouldn't want to be around me at all.  There may just be something to what Nichole and many others have said to me over the years.  Maybe I'm not as bad as I have always thought I was.  hmmmm.....definitely food for thought.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Battle wounds.....

Made it into the box last night, and the workout was brutal.

It was a bit confusing at first, but then it all made sense, in a sick, and twisted way.  You can see the different card suits listed on the board.  We did 15 rounds of 1 minute on 1 minute off AMRAP of whichever exercise was indicated by the suit on the card pulled out of the deck by one of the members of the class.  As my luck would have it, the first and fourteenth rounds were Diamonds, but only 2 rounds of burpees was fine by me.  There were 3 or 4 rounds of spades, and I was doing a 65# push-press.  We had a lot of rounds of push-ups and T2B, or toes to bar.  The push-presses were definitely at my limit.  The most I did in one round was 13 I think, and they were definitely to failure.  My left arm would eventually give out and I'd drop the bar.  But by far, we had more T2B than anything else.  Now, it really doesn't sound all that bad, hanging from a bar, swinging your legs to kick the bar you are hanging from, but when you are 257 pounds, it is BRUTAL on your hands.  After the first round though, Andrea stopped me and said not to try to swing my legs, but instead, to work on tapping my feet on the box and pulling my knees up at the same time, as high as I could.  I was able to do a lot more of these than I was when I was attempting to swing, but my hands are definitely paying the price for it today.  I can't wear my wedding rings right now because there is a blister under my ring on my ring finger.  My pad across my hand at the base of my fingers is incredibly sore.  I will absolutely be purchasing some lifting gloves this Wednesday when i get paid...maybe I'll even find some with pink on them.  The most gratifying part of all of this was adding up my numbers at the end.  When we started working out, I wanted to aim for 250 reps over the 15 rounds.  Burpees are definitely something I can't do many of, and same with T2B, so I really had to kill the push-ups and push presses.  I knew this before we started, so when we got our first round of push-ups, I busted out 43 girlie push-ups in a minute.

 As the rounds progressed, and I reached 243 with about 5 rounds left, I was in shock, and totally excited.  I knew I could do more than 7 reps in the next round, and was almost giddy at the idea of closing in on 300 reps.  I hadn't looked at anyone else's scores on the board other than to notice a whole lot of 200+ scores.  I finished up with 291 reps total.  I did use the box for the second round of burpees because we were on our 14th round and I was feeling like I was going to vomit anyway.  All the way to the floor and back up would definitely have pushed me over the top.  Here's a glance at what my left hand looks like after last night's work out.  See the red spot on my ring finger...that was UNDER my wedding ring....gloves are a must.

I was so proud of myself when we finished and I had 291 reps.  There were quite a few folks with more than me, and I didn't do it RX, but I'm pretty damn proud of myself for this workout and how I did.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Ahhh, a workout!

I got to head back to CrossFit APX tonight!  I love getting back in to work out and sweat and get to see some of my favorite peeps.

So tonight's WOD was Justin and John Jarman's 26th birthday WOD.  This is synonymous with torture typically.  Birthday WOD's are typical brutal, and this one was definitely not the exception to the rule.

Tonight's WOD was as follows:
400 meter Run
26 Wall Ball Shots (20/14, I used an 8#er)
400 meter run
26 Crucifix push-ups
400 meter run
26 reverse ab-mat sit-ups
400 meter run
26 dead lifts (I lifted 60#)
400 meter run
26 Causack Squats (the side-to-side variety, similar to a side lunge)
400 meter run

I had to scale this, but modified nothing.  I did half of everything (runs included) and finished in 20:10.

It felt so freaking amazing to work out again.  I LOVE how it feels to get into the box and sweat.  I LOVE working out with my buddies.  I have grown to love the folks I work out with, the support they offer me, and the encouragement for everyone involved.

I also want to thank everyone who has taken the time to reach out to me, either through a friend, in person, by posting on my blog, my FB page or via email.  I have had a number of people tell me that my blog, and more particularly I am an inspiration.  This doesn't seem to fit well into my perception of myself, but I still want to be sure that anyone and everyone who has taken the time to express that, I truly appreciate.  This is definitely not a success-only journey, and your support and encouragement make it easier to get back up after I fall.

I truly appreciate everyone's love, support and feedback.  It means more to me than you will EVER know!


Spiritual Muscles

Shew...I can't believe it has been a week since I blogged, and a week since my last workout.  I took some time off this weekend to exercise my spiritual muscles instead of the physical ones, and man-oh-man, was it needed.  It is amazing to me that regardless of where I am in my life and what has been going on, going to something like Women of Faith and always address my concerns and help me feel some peace. 

On Friday night, one of the speakers was Mandisa, as in, Mandisa from American Idol, season 5.  She was talking about being on the show, The Doctors tomorrow morning, and how they were doing a show on inspirational weight-loss stories.  Mandisa was talking about how holding onto the things of the past and allowing ourselves to let go physically is disrespectful because we aren't fully capable of being who God made us to be if our body is sick. 

Then on Saturday, Christine Caine based her time on the plague of the frogs, from Exodus chapter 8.  The interesting part of this is this excerpt:  Exo 8:9 And Moses said unto Pharaoh, Glory over me: when shall I intreat for thee, and for thy servants, and for thy people, to destroy the frogs from thee and thy houses, that they may remain in the river only? Exo 8:10 And he said, Tomorrow. And he said, Be it according to thy word: that thou mayest know that there is none like unto the LORD our God. 

Now, I don't know about you, but I am forever and ALWAYS putting things off till tomorrow.  And what Christine Caine talked about was the fact that if we don't deal with our yesterdays today, tomorrow will be no different.  Why wait until tomorrow?  Why take the baggage of your childhood into the future with you?  Why wait until Tomorrow?!?!  This was very poignant for me, because it is a pattern I have a habit of falling into.  I don't have to wait to start my diet until Monday, I don't have to wait to start exercising on Monday, why not make the changes today?  What is holding us back? Why are we so afraid to make the changes TODAY????  You can't make tomorrow different if you take the crap from your past with you. 

What are you waiting too change?  Why are you waiting?  We all had issues as a kid.  I felt like I was forever on a diet, I got picked on because my mom was obese, and then one day a kid said to me, "You're fat, just like your mom." and my world stopped.  She never wanted me to be overweight, and I always swore I wouldn't be overweight, and this is where my fear and anxiety around food went into overdrive.  That comment is what made me stop eating, and I was anorexic for 6 months.  I was down to a size 0 and still felt fat, because I gave that kid, and my fear power over my life.  I'm not doing that anymore.  I'm trying, with everything in me, to take my life back from those fears and anxiety.  It isn't perfect, and it will most definitely be a process that takes time, but it is doable.  I'm not waiting for tomorrow anymore.  I'm starting today.  Taking the crap from my past into tomorrow is going to do nothing but prevent me from being the beautiful person that God created me to I'm dumping my baggage today, and moving forward.  Who's going with me?!?!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I know I'm crazy.....

So, tonight was probably one of the WODs that I have been most capable of completing.  I still had to modify some stuff, but I feel like I accomplished something tonight.

We had 2 WODs

The first WOD as 12 minutes, every minute on the minute you were to do 5 pull ups, 10 push-ups, 15 air squats.  I of course had to use the red band to assist me with pull-ups, my push-ups were the girlie kind, and I was able to do the air squats w/o modification.  If at any point you couldn't finish those 30 movements w/in one minute this WOD turned into an AMRAP.  I was only on the minute for the first 2 minutes, and then I couldn't keep up.  I ended up completing a total of 7 rounds in the 12 minutes.

The second WOD was all about abs.  Maybe if I do this WOD every day, first thing in the morning for the next 7 months I'll have a beach body by next June......So we started with 20 Russian twists (10# medicine ball, rest on your tail bone, feet off the floor twist from one side to the other touching the medicine ball on the floor.  After this, did 15 reverse ab-mat sit-ups and then 10 Toes to Bar.  For me, the Russian twists required that my feet be on the floor, The reverse ab-mat sit-ups, then I can't begin to do Toes to Bar, but I am starting to get the swinging part down, and got my kicks almost up to my waist level.  I need to find a way to keep my hands from hurting so badly when I'm doing things like pull-ups, Knees to elbows, Toes to Bars, etc.  I need to get some weight-lifting gloves  and maybe some warmer workout gear when I get paid at the end of the month.

Finally, here is a picture of part of the team of amazing folks who are helping me to change my life.  Tyler is one of the coaches at the box, and is awesome.  He is always very encouraging, without being in my face screaming.  He knows when I need to keep pushing and when I truly don't have anything left to give.  Andrea is an inspiration in what she has been able to accomplish in her own life.  You can read more about her personal story here.  I don't know that I'll do it justice if I try to re-tell it.  These people, as well as the other coaches at APX, John N., Dan, John J. and Pete have never made me feel like I let them down or should have done better.  This truly is an awesome family.

I also have to give a shout out to my normal 5:30 buddies, Shaade, Ivan, Jon P., Tucker, Megan.  Nichole, Looking forward to seeing you at 5:30 on a regular basis going forward.  You are all helping me to find the person and see in the mirror the person that everyone else I have known for years has always told me was there, even though I never believed them.  Thank you to all of you for being part of my journey and tolerating my being a work in progress.  And to Karen and Georgia, you ladies inspire me, and I love you both.

I will also say that for the next couple of weeks, I am going to make sure that I am eating at least 3 meals/day.  This seems like it should be obvious/automatic/easy, but for me, it is none of the above.  I ate about half of my breakfast this morning, then I ate a sub from Jersey Mike's for lunch, using the cheese as the bread and throwing the bread in the trash.  I had some popcorn shrimp and mac and cheese for dinner.  I realize these aren't the best food choices, but they are calories that I am taking in, and I am trying to take the steps to making sure I eat every day.  Once I get paid again, I'll be doing everything possible to eat Custom Fit Meals Paleo meals 3 meals/day, 5 days/week for the months of November and December.  I'm also going to start working with Next Level Nutrition on supplements during those same 2 months and seeing if I can't get myself turned around.  I've been working out now for 3 months, and am hoping and praying that having mastered that part already, it will be easier to focus on the food and put the workouts on cruise-control.

I also want to take this moment to thank every single person who is supporting me and sharing positive feedback with me on this blog and on my FB page.  You are all amazing, and helping to keep me motivated.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


Wow, somehow the weekend got away from me and I wasn't able to blog, so let me see if I can catch up or not. 

another crazy WOD.  I don't remember what all we had to do, and for some reason I didn't take a picture of the white board like I usually do.  The best I can remember we had to do 30 Dead Lifts, Run 400 meters, 30 Sumo High Pulls w/a Kettle Bell, 100 ab mat sit-ups (i only made it to 80) and 7 Wall Crawls, then maybe 15 dead lifts, Run 200 meters, 15 sumo high pulls, 50 ab mat sit-ups and 7 Wall Crawls.  It was a difficult but do-able workout.  Now that I think about it, I didn't take a picture because afterwards I was talking to Andrea about some of my food/eating issues.  She and I share a very unfortunate history of having an eating disorder.  While that sucks, having someone to talk to that understands that the age old, "It's really not that hard, you know you need to eat, so just do it" isn't helpful for someone who has an overwhelming fear of food and what it does to my body.  

I have made a couple of small realizations after this discussion with Andrea:
1--I need to get some help to get over the fear/anxiety that I have over managing my diet.
2--old fears and anxieties are rearing their heads now because I want this so badly and am frustrated at the slow progress
3--If I just eat what is available or what I want without holding my own feet to the fire about the healthiness of the food choice I don't have the issue with fear and anxiety.  When I start asking myself whether I am making good decisions or not is when this becomes a huge issue, because the fear and anxiety take over and then I just don't eat anything because I'd rather eat nothing at all, than to eat something really bad.  I know what you want to say to the screen now, so please refer to the underlined quote above.      

On Saturday I went to CrossFit Clayton for a nutritional workshop with Jared Olson of Next Level Nutrition and was blown away by the information I got.  Like any other person who is an intellectual, when I don't understand something, I start seeking out information so I can start to understand what I am facing, and this workshop was an AMAZING help.  I had Jared do the measurements for BioSignature profile and just happened to have the lab report from my physical in February in my car, so I was able to provide that information to him as well.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have never really grasped the concept that what I eat doesn't just affect my weight, it also affects all of my hormones and bodily functions and systems on a cellular level.  I am so grateful that God put me in a position to get to gain this knowledge and start to understand this.  I am going to be working with Jared and Next Level Nutrition to help me get my body back to doing what it is supposed to naturally, and part of that is to make a drastic change to my eating habits.  As time goes on, I am gaining more and more weapons for my health and wellness arsenal to reach my ultimate goals. 

Today's WOD was ROUGH!!  I knew when I saw it posted earlier in the day by someone else that some massive scaling was going to be involved if I didn't want it to take me 2 hours to finish.  The thing is, scaling weight is easy for me, but scaling the reps and running distance becomes more of a challenge.  I know it's the same concept, you can only do what your body is ready for and pushing your body beyond that will likely lead to injury, but it is more difficult and tends to make me feel like I'm taking the easy way out still.  So here is what the WOD looked like on the board: 

When we were stretching Coach Dan looked at me, remembering my conversation with him last week about scaling and feeling like I needed to know when it was appropriate to scale and said, "Half.  Just do half of everything."  I knew I would have to do half of the runs because the 3 miles prescribed would take me 45-50 minutes alone, and that is without stopping to lift weights.  I did do my 20 Thrusters, but realized very quickly that doing all of everything but half the running would still take me quite a long time.  After the thrusters, I moved to half of every exercise.  It ended up taking me 38:40 to finish the workout, even with it being Half.  Dan told me that the fact that I was finishing among the other people in class, not first, not last, indicates that it was scaled appropriately.  I totally get that, but can't help but wonder, how in the world I know what it will take to scale everything this well. 

Tonight is a run night, and I will be going 30 minutes.  My goal is to make it 2-1/2 miles in my 30 minutes, which would mean that I am picking up my pace and my endurance.  Hopefully starting to get on the right track with eating, and supplements and regular exercise will help me start to see the changes in my body happening faster, my strength and endurance improving, and my overall ability levels increasing as well.  In the mean-time, here is a picture that I found pretty darn amazing.  When someone is working toward losing weight, it is literally a day-to-day struggle, and because we see ourselves in the mirror every day, it is difficult to notice the small changes that are happening.  When I got ready for my workout last night I put on my Running Moms Mafia shirt from the Diva Half Marathon that was run in Myrtle Beach in May.  I believe the race was on May 20th, so not quite 5 months ago.  I was amazed at the difference, specifically around my mid-section.  There is an obvious roll of fat/skin above my belly button in the picture on the left, and while I wouldn't say I'm "thinner" that roll is obviously less noticeable.  So, not quite 3 months into CrossFit and 5 months out from the picture, and I see a noticeable difference around my mid-section.  I think I'll take another picture in this outfit at the end of the year to see the change with better nutrition and supplementation. 

 pic taken 5/20/12                                 pic taken 10/15/12