The Incredible Shrinking Krista

Saturday, September 29, 2012

I don't do sickness.....

Well, I have been fighting a cold for 2 weeks and now, it has traveled to my chest.  In a mere 24 hours I have gone from a bit sick, to coughing so much that I can't function.  This morning I coughed until I got sick, and now my back, chest and ribs feel like I was in a fight with Mike Tyson and all I got were shots to the body.  I am not a pleasant person when I'm sick, and when you add my asthma to the mix, it makes it even worse.  Please lord, let this cough last less than the normal 10-14 days for me, so I can get back to my workouts on Monday.  I don't want to miss any more workouts.  I can't miss any more workouts.  I need to stay on track.  UGH!!  I hate being sick.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

REDEMPTION is sweet...

So, today I had to go back to the Box.  It is funny how intimidating just showing  up can be after an embarrassing WOD like I had on Monday night.  To make matters worse, I was working out at 7:00 am, which I had never done before, and but for the coaches, didn't really know anyone there besides the coaches, until Baller showed up. 

The warm-up looked like a work-out for most people, 1 minute intervals of the following:
1. Sledge hammer throw (beating the shit out of a tire with a sledge hammer.
2.  Flip over tires (don't laugh, this isn't easy when they weigh 250 pounds each)
3.  Tricep dips
4.  Lateral Med Ball Jumps (Jump over a medicine ball from side to side)
5.  Agility Exercise.  (parallel PVC pipes about 6" off the ground, from the left hop over, both feet in the middle, continue to the right and go back and forth hopping over these bars.)

WOD 1: 5 rounds
10 pull-ups (mine are still VERY assisted)
20 wall ball shots (8 pound medicine ball)
10 burpees (still using a 12" box thanks to the hip flexor issues)
5 Cleans (I used 40#, not the 95 RX)

Tabata Training:  (I don't know who or what Tabata is, but I didn't like this, AT ALL!!)
30 second intervals with 10 second breaks in between
8 intervals total
Kettle Bell swings (I think I missed one round but still totaled 35 for the 3 rounds I finished)
Reverse ab-mat sit-ups (I was only able to bust out 20 of these total)

After all this was over I was under the distinct impression that dieing might feel better...That was of course, until Jim came over and told me we were going to run 100 meters.  I was game, and knew I could handle 100 meters, but much more than that I might have to slug him.  On the way out to run he handed me a 10 pound weight to carry in front of me on the 50 meters out, and then told me to carry it over my head for the 50 back. 

I think sometimes, people who are my size and trying so hard to make such a drastic change are scared to death and have no expectation of succeeding.  I have failed more times than I can count, and probably wouldn't admit the number if I knew it.  When failure has been your only benchmark in the past, as soon as the going gets tough and you fail, it's easy to walk away and give up.  That is what I have always done in the past.  As soon as I failed once, I walked away, I gave up on myself, I decided to take my grandmother's words to heart that, "If you were meant to be thin you wouldn't have to try so hard."  Well, this time it was different.  Even though I was demoralized and embarrassed by my performance on Monday night, I came back to that work out and finished what I could.  I got up yesterday and walked/jogged the amount of time I was supposed to for my half marathon training.  I continued the work that was necessary, I didn't give up on myself, or on my dream of being fit and healthy.  I walked into the box today determined to finish, whatever it took.  I did that, and you know what, it felt really, really freaking good!  So when you fail, whatever that looks like, you don't have to swallow that and let it eat you up from the inside out.  You have a choice.  You can either let it take over your mind or you can use it as fuel to continue to push harder and work harder in the next workout.  I know what I chose to do with Monday night's failure....what will you do with your next failure? 

Princess Biscuit

Monday, September 24, 2012

Rough night...

Well, sometimes I just wish I could shut off my emotions and let my body do what it is supposed to do.  Unfortunately I am just not good at that, and tonight was worse than most.  I have heard for years that the most difficult part of losing weight is the commitment and the food part.  Just about anyone can go to the gym and kick ass for an hour and sweat their butt off, but it's what you eat between those workouts that not only fuels your body, it helps determine how much weight you lose and how many inches you lose, etc.  I've seen one of those Facebook post cards that said, "An Olympic workout can't out train a bad diet".  True enough.

Let's be honest, for some people, it can.  I have been jealous/bitter for years that some of my friends have the ability to eat whatever they want and never gain a pound.  My husband is even one of these people.  What I have come to learn over the years is that even if that is true, the picture of the outside is not a true representation of what the body is doing on the inside.  As an example, even though I am 5'2" and weigh 260 pounds, my blood pressure and cholesterol levels are normal.  I'm not even pre-diabetic yet, let alone diabetic.  I have been very fortunate thus far to not be diagnosed with any of the highly-touted co-morbidities associated with obesity, though I'm completely aware it is just a matter of time.

All of this rambling is to say when confronted with my eating habits tonight, I was completely freaked out.  See, I have been eating Custom Fit Meals for the last 3 or 4 weeks, and it was so easy that way.  I ordered food on Tuesday, it showed up on the following Sunday and Wednesday.  I had no concern about what to cook, or making good decisions, except telling them what to send me.  Well, it's the end of the month, I only get paid once/month (on the last day) and the money for Custom Fit Meals ran out this week.  I forgot my lunch at home, and when mom brought me lunch, I had a double cheeseburger from McDonald's and a diet coke.  Not what I have been eating, and trust me, my stomach hates me right now.  Having to stand in the office at the box having a discussion with some of my friends that are trying to help me about what I ate today was overwhelming and embarrassing!  I appreciate their help, I just need to not let the feeling that I have let them down affect my workout.

So, for tonight's WOD, which didn't look all that daunting on the board, I was already in the wrong place mentally.  I was already feeling very overwhelmed by being a screw up.  My brain was almost in shut-down mode before I touched a single thing.  Then we started.  Today's WOD was 5 deadlifts, 5 power cleans and 5 thrusters, on the minute, every minute for 20 minutes.  This sounds simple enough, but I assure you, it isn't simple AT ALL!!  The prescribed weight was 45# for ladies, which is what I started with since it is well within my normal lifting.  I got through 3 rounds like that, and then took off 5 pounds so I was down to 40#. I did the last 5 rounds with 40 pounds.  Because of the "start on the minute" part I was only able to finish 8 rounds total.  I was having this internal argument with myself that I had already blown the day by not eating right so why was I bothering?  Then the asthma started kicking up, and I could hear myself wheezing horribly, followed by the coughing, and gagging and almost getting sick.  Yet another reason to quit, but I came back to keep trying.  There were 2 or 3 minute marks that I started and got through the dead lifts but couldn't continue with the power cleans.  If my memory serves, I did my 8 rounds at minutes 20, 19, 18, 17, 14, 8, 5 and 2.  I obviously had long breaks in there, and while embarrassing, at least I didn't walk away when that is all I really wanted to do.  I happened to park out behind the building tonight, and at one point I contemplated whether or not I could sneak out the back door and be gone before the WOD was over and not have to face any of the people I was working out with, but then I wouldn't have been able to put my equipment up, and someone else would have had to do it.  Also, I would have been cheating myself and my friends out of the respect they were due for completing the workout.

Today was NOT a stellar day, but I did the best I could considering.  Tomorrow, I will get up and go for a run.  25 minutes is on the agenda, and I will have to figure out what I'm going to eat tomorrow as well.  Maybe some yogurt, fruit and hot tea for breakfast, no clue for lunch, and pork chops for dinner.

Till next time,

Princess Biscuit

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Gonna be a busy week.....

So, here goes for a really busy week.  I will be working out a total of 6 days this week.

On Monday--CrossFit at 5:30
On Tuesday--Half Marathon training run of 25 minutes
On Wednesday, CrossFit at 6:00 am (I have to work until 7:00)
On Thursday, Half Marathon training run of 30 minutes
On Friday, CrossFit at 5:30
On Saturday, Half Marathon training run of 35 minutes

This is what my weeks are going to look like until the end of March at least.  I am so excited about training for the Princess Half Marathon.

This journey to health and fitness has made a huge difference in my life.  I am learning more and more every day what it is going to take to change this lifestyle.  It is going to be a lot of work, but it is worth it.  I'm in the process of determining how I am going to reward myself for reaching different milestones on my journey.  In the past I have always celebrated accomplishments with food, which isn't appropriate, seeing as how I'm NOT a dog, and I'm trying to change my lifestyle.

Any ideas?!?!

I do know for sure that when I get to my goal weight, I want to take a trip to NYC and do the shopping for my new wardrobe.

Friday, September 21, 2012


I am so sweaty that the AC in the car, and subsequently the restaurant, made me have chills.

Sometimes CrossFit makes me question my sanity, and wonder what the hell I am thinking when I walk in there.  Tonight's warm up looked like a lot of people's work-outs.

The warm up (after stretching) was run 100 meters, 10 kettle bell swings (I used 26#) and 10 med ball squats (I used the 8 pounder), 3 rounds.

Then the fun started.....she says sarcastically

100 burpees...starting with the clock, on each minute mark, stop doing burpees and do 2 cleans, then push presses.  back to burpees till the 2 minute mark, 2 more cleans and push-presses.  Continue this process until you reach 100 burpees.  It took me 14:30.  I still had to modify my burpees with the 12" box due to my hip flexor issue, and I used 50# for my cleans/push-presses instead of the 75# rx.  I haven't gotten up the nerve yet to put 75# on a bar and try to lift it just yet.

WOD#2 was med ball sit-ups with a partner--Love working out with you Karen! (sit up, throw the ball to your partner, they to a sit up) for 1 minuted, 15 second transition to cones that you "hopped" over, both feet touching between the cones (this was an agility exercise which I failed MISERABLY at!!!!!)  I couldn't hop over the cones, I had to step, and by the time we were half way through the 1st minute of those the muscles on the outside of my hips (the abductors maybe) were SCREAMING at me and we had to do 3 rounds of this

The Finisher WOD was an agility exercise with one of those ladders in the parking lot.  Our coach, John, would tell us what agility exercise to do in the ladder.  I made it through a few rounds, but after the warm up and the first 2 WODs my legs were SHOT.  I was getting so tired I couldn't pick my feet/legs up anymore and I was stumbling, about to fall down.  Doing so would have not only wiped me out, but also the 3 or 4 people behind me.  Stepping away was better for the safety of myself and the other people in our group.

We were supposed to work on climbing the rope tonight, but I have a HUGE fear of it.  When I was in middle school I remember we were supposed to climb the rope, and I never made it more than 5 feet off teh ground, if that, and slid right on back down.  I've never had the upper body strength to so that when I was thin and healthy, and I just didn't feel the need to embarrass myself tonight.  There were, however, quite a few girls who were able to pull it off.

Here's a huge shout-out to my girl, Shaade.  Shaade inspires me every time we workout together.  She rocks every workout.  She is the only girl I know in our box (other than Andrea) who can actually do pull-ups consistently.  She doesn't show any struggles, outside of the norm, when we are working out.  She lifts twice what I do.  She is amazing, inspirational, and a beast in the Box!  I love Shaade, and she's just as nice as she is awesome!

I may not have mentioned it enough times, since I've only said it about 18, 276 times....I LOVE MY BOX!  they are amazing, supportive and inspiring!  Please come visit us.

Princess Biscuit

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Can you do me a favor?

I have always had a tendency to sabotage myself.  I am not sure why, I don't know of some deep-seeded reason for this, it is just my current reality and something I am working on....

In the mean time, can you, as my blog readers help to hold me accountable?  One of the reasons I started this blog was to hold myself accountable.  I'm especially going to need this as it pertains to my half marathon training.  When I am intimidated by a goal I have set, I tend to cower in the corner until it's too late to seriously work toward completion of that goal.  I then use lack of training and/or preparation as my explanation for failure.

Can you please help me stay accountable?  If you see that I haven't checked in in a while, please shoot me a message and ask how it's going.  I won't feel like you are hounding me at all, I may well need the kick in the pants that your e-mail, fb message or phone call would give me.

Thanks ladies!!

Princess Biscuit

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Screw asthma....I'm going to beat this!

Tonight was rough.  I went to CrossFit APX tonight, coughing, hacking and wheezing a bit, but asthma be damned, I'm not taking a week off from working out.

Tonight's WOD was 6 rounds for time of the following:

3 Snatches at 75# for the ladies (I used 40)
6 overhead squats at 75# for the ladies (I used 40)
9 pull-ups (I use a resistance band to put my knee in to help me with these because I clearly can't do pull-ups yet).

I finished my WOD in 11:44, with a fair amount of hacking and wheezing.  As I was finishing, Baller told me I needed to do 10 more pull-ups, and when I told him I was finished his response was, "DO you know the difference between extra and extraordinary?  A little extra."  So, I did 10 more assisted jumping pull-ups.  What can I say?  He was right.

The finisher tonight was 10 50 meter sprints as a group.  I hadn't finished the first 50 when the rest of the group started their 2nd sprint.  I finished the second spring and my lungs gave out on me.  (the rest of the group was finishing their 3rd sprint.)  I started coughing and couldn't stop.  I had to stop or risked going into a full-blown asthma attack.  It was totally worth it to work out.  I'll be back Friday, and again on Sunday.  I'm thinking I might try to do the workout I couldn't finish a few weeks ago and see how it goes, if maybe I can finish the workout this time.

Oh--and in other news, I'm so excited to say that when I got on the scale today that I was under 260 for the first time in quite a while.  I was at 259.8, which is a weight loss of 4.4 pounds.  I'm starting to see some serious changes in how my clothes are fitting.  Things that used to be tight are now comfortable.

I can't wait for my 18's which I have the most of, to get too big.  I'm hoping that I can shrink enough that when its time to pack away my summer clothes so I feel comfortable donating them, rather than packing them away and holding on to them.

Until next time,

Princess Biscuit!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


Nothing says, "Fall is here!" like a nasty head cold that seems to be working toward bronchitis.  I get this every year, and it always makes me miserable.  I can't breathe through my nose AT ALL which makes using my CPAP incredibly difficult.  Not using my CPAP means I can't sleep for crap and not sleeping just makes me feel worse...Oh how I love mother nature....

On a serious note, today is the day I start running/walking to train for my Princess Half Marathon.  I will be working with a running coach here in my town who has run multiple races herself.  She was VERY encouraging when I met with her last weekend and kept telling me that 23 weeks was plenty of time to be prepared.  The plan she has in store for me is based more on time than on milage, at least at first.  She will send me my running workouts each week and I will do them and report back.  I'm going to use the Galloway "Run/walk/run" method, but I'm not sure at what intervals.  For now, I'm going to run a specific amount of time after warming up and let her know how I felt.  I will run until I'm starting to get winded, then walk until I'm recovered.  My coach assures me that in the beginning, the runs will be uncomfortable, but that as my body gets used to running, I will grow more and more comfortable, and fell better and better.  Once I've gotten to where my body is comfortable with running, we will work on cadence and what my pace is, but she doesn't want me concerned about all of that right now.  Her plan is that before I get to the Princess Half I will have run the same amount of time required to finish the race so that when I put my toe to the start line, I will have confidence that I have already done this before, and that my body is capable of finishing. 

This is a different approach than a lot of the plans that I have read, but for some reason, it doesn't feel nearly as daunting as the Galloway and some of the others.  I think that by focusing on time and not milage, I won't get overwhelmed as easily.  I look forward to going on this journey, and to finishing the Princess Half Marathon in February and finishing strong! 

Princess Biscuit.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Reality Check....

I feel like I am going to vomit.  I am completely overwhelmed about with what I have to do, but I know it has to be done! 

I just got off the phone with my mom who took my kids to their check-ups this morning.  When I was growing up, and before I became a mother, my biggest fear was that I would have a child that I would still be overweight, and a bad example for my children.  I never wanted my children to have the struggles with weight that I have had, even though I knew statistically that my genetics weren't going to make that all that likely. 

Today was the day it happened.  I have been increasingly concerned about the weight of my 6 year old daughter, and the other day I was flabbergasted when she stepped on the scale and I saw that she was 74.6 pounds.  She's only 6.  She has the beginnings of a fat roll around the middle and dare I even say it, what appears to be breasts...AT 6!!!  Everything I never wanted for my children is now staring me in the face with my sweet and adorable 6 year old.  Now is when we get into project mode on this. 

So even though I AM NOT a morning person, I'm going to have to become one.  I will be doing my workouts at 6:00 in the morning, then coming to work.  I'm going to have to prepare the week's meals on Sundays and pre-package lunches that are healthy for the sake of time and my sanity.  I need to get my life organized so that I can keep up with all that this is going to take.  Our family is going to be going Primal.  I have read a portion of the book, "The Primal Blueprint" but I'm going to have to finish it and start putting it into action this weekend.  I'm not ok with sitting back and letting my daughter face the struggles I have in life.  I am going to be working hard to teach her that SHE IS IN CONTROL and SHE DECIDES what her future holds.  I need to educate her about wise food choices and exercise.  How is that even possible when I don't quite get it yet?  It's time to figure that all out, and there's not time like the present. 

Working out in the mornings will leave me available to do homework with my kids at night, to go on walks with them, to cook healthy dinners and to keep up with everything that is going on with them.  I can't afford to focus on myself at their expense, I'm going to have to focus on myself while they are sleeping...This is going to be a huge shift for me mentally, but a mom had to do what a mom has to do....This ought to be interesting!

On a lighter note though, going to my WODs in the morning will also leave me available to do my half marathon training int he evenings.  The kids are in quite a few activities in the afternoon/evening, but health and fitness is going to have to become a family priority! 

Princess Biscuit

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

heels+dehydration=calves tied in knots...and a bit of rambling

OK, just in case anyone ever wondered, wearing heels on the day when the WOD is going to be running intensive, and NOT having as much water as normal, not a good thing!!!!

I finished the scaled version of the WOD, but I had to stop and stretch numerous times.  It made it even clearer to me how important appropriate nutrition and hydration are when you are trying to make changes to your lifestyle.  I have worked out before, I have had some pretty decent results when I did, but I have never focused as much on my nutrition as I am now.  I am moving toward a Paleo or Primal diet, but I am doing it slowly so that I don't ever feel like I'm cheating myself, or missing the things/food I enjoy.  I am not limiting myself excessively, I am not denying myself, nor have I binged in a few weeks, these are all huge milestones for me.

Speaking of binge eating, I need to be 100% honest.  I have been told by a few people that they love my blog because of how open and transparent I am.  To that end, and to be as real as possible about my journey and what all it entails and what I am dealing with, I was recently told that I have an eating disorder.  I have also said I was an "emotional eater" and that I ate to celebrate, to mourn, etc.  What I have come to realize is that I eat whenever I think I have an excuse.  I might not be hungry, but I'm bored and the food is available, so why not?  It may be that I'm sad and I excuse my eating, or I blame it on those ever popular "female hormones" or "that time".  The fact of the matter is, I binge, but don't purge.  I eat because I have a hole in my face.  I don't do this every day, but I do it often enough that it has created some pretty serious weight issues over the year.  I was anorexic as a teenager, and have never even considered going back to that.  While it was nice being small, I was an evil hag because I was hungry all the time.  And I've NEVER been bulimic, fact is, I have a personal policy against vomiting.  I didn't do it when I was pregnant.  If I did, I figured out what caused it and made sure to never do it again.  1 chicken sandwich during my pregnancy with Ada and I hurled for 3 days.....for me, that ='d no chicken for the next 8 months so as not to risk it.  This issue is probably going to be the most difficult hurdle to overcome in this journey I'm on.

Oh---and on a final note, if you are working on handstands and being able to do one against the wall, make sure your hands aren't too close to the wall....otherwise, you'll bang your head on the wall and get a nice little goose-egg.

Princess Biscuit

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I finished!!!! I finished!!!!!

I am so proud to be able to say that I finished the WOD tonight.  When I got there tonight I noticed that there were 2 WODs on the board, and one was a "scaled" WOD.  my first inclination was to do the scaled WOD, and save myself the embarrassment of being the last one to finish again, or worse yet, get the trifecta of 3 DNF's in a row.  Then I thought about it, and knew that I would never have any self-respect if I always took the easy way out.  There's no time like the present to push myself beyond my limits.  Who gives a shit if I had 2 DNF's that's not a license to quit, and for me, for tonight, doing the scaled WOD would have been quitting.

I did have to modify the weight on the Push-Press to 40#
My Burpee box-jumps became Burpee Step-ups (Set #5 there was no box involved, my legs are still shot from yesterday's WOD)
and hand-stand push ups were knees on my box and doing incline push-ups with my hiney in the air as much as possible.

I completed my workout in 26 minutes and 20 seconds.

On the up-side....before I started working out, I would never have believed you if you told me that the best thing for the work-out soreness was another work-out.  kinda like the "hair of the dog" when it comes to a hang-over.  Well, it works.  As sore as I was all day, I feel better after working out tonight.  Now, I may well need a walker to get out of the bed in the morning, but it'll all be worth it!

I cannot say enough how awesome CrossFit Apx is!  Please check them out, and if you have ever considered checking out CrossFit, do it.  You won't be sorry!  Just to make it easier, go ahead and click on this link:

I love them some love, you won't regret it!

Princess Biscuit!

Another DNF, but proof that I'm not working in vain

So the WOD yesterday was meant for people with a death wish I think.  We started as a warm-up with 100 meter run, 5 pull-ups and 10 push-ups, 3 times around.  (This was of course after stretching on our own). 

We then did walking lunges with the bar overhead, 10 lunges, rotating 4 rounds with a partner. 

Then it was time for WOD#1.....
10 plyo-pushups (25# plate, do a push-up, jump hands of the weight and do a regular push-up, counts as 1)
10 kettle bell swings (I used a 26# kettle bell)
5 pull-ups

**as many rounds as possible in 10 minutes.  1 round is 25, and I barely made it through 3 rounds.

Now for the finisher...which I didn't get to finish:
50 overhead squats w/a PVC pipe
30 ab-mat sit-ups
20 wall ball shots
15 med ball squats
10 get-ups
50 air squats

2 rounds for time, with a cap of 20 minutes.  I got through the 2nd round of ab-mat sit-ups.  This workout was brutal!!!!  I could barely walk after I finished.  All I can say is that 260+ pound women were not meant to do 185 squats in 20 minutes!  My knees required some TLC last night, with advil and ice bags, but I feel pretty good today

PROOF that it's working:
At the beginning of this year, I started the "P.I.N.K. Method" diet which I just couldn't maintain at all.  I couldn't maintain the eating that was required, or the workouts.  I'm not a work-out at home kind of girl.  I usually have a million excuses, and I oversleep, and there's no accountability.  At the beginning of the P.I.N.K. Method they have you do your measurements, then do them again after a 2 week detox where you feel miserable!!! 

At the beginning of this year I weighed 270# and my measurements looked like this:
Bust: 49-1/2"     Waist: 46"              Hips: 53"        Thighs:  30-1/2"
After the 2 week detox I was at:
Bust:  47"           Waist: 44-1/2"       Hips: 52"        Thighs: 29"
I had re-gained almost all of the weight I lost and definitely all of the inches.  For the first time ever I was wearing size 22's, rather than my normal 18-20, and the 22's were by no means lose. 
I didn't take my measurements at the beginning of CrossFit (I wish I had), but I started at 264.2#
I did my measurements this morning, and they were as follows:
Bust: 48-1/2"        Waist: 44"             Hips: 50-1/4"  Thighs: 29-1/2"

So, since the beginning of this year, I have lost a total of 7" and 8 pounds.  I still have a long way to go, but I'll get there eventually. 

Princess Biscuit

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Confession time....

I am facing some of my age-old demons, and while they will not keep me from continuing this process, it still makes it hard.

I keep having these dreams or nightmares might be a better description where I've been going to CrossFit and training for half Marathons/Marathons for a year and a half, and still weigh the exact same amount and have the same figure and clothing size.  It scares the hell out of me.  I don't want to have to shop for clothes in plus size stores anymore.  I don't want to feel uncomfortable in my workout clothes because I'm afraid they are too tight/offensive for the poor people who are working out at the same time as me.  I don't want to still have cankles instead of sexy legs.  I don't want any of these things, but my sub-conscious is haunting me in my sleep.  My brain is trying to convince me to give up, telling me I'll never get the things that I want the most, health, fitness and weight loss.

I have no desire to be skinny, that has never been my goal.  Skinny is a pipe-dream.  I want to be healthy, flexible and able to keep up with my kids.  I want to get to buy a whole new wardrobe, preferably somewhere like Anne Taylor Loft, Banana Republic and the Gap.  I want the life I used to have when I thought I was fat, before I knew what this reality was.

When I have these dreams, I wake up in a cold sweat fearing that I will never see the results that I so desperately want.  I know it has only been 6 weeks since I started CrossFit, and I am seeing some changes, but all of those old tapes are still playing in my head telling me it's ok.  Telling me that I'm going to fail and that it is only just a matter of time.  I refuse to let that be the case, so I will continue to bust my ass, 3-5 times a week at CrossFit, and this week, I'm starting to run 3x a week too.  My eating is going so much better as well, thanks to Custom Fit Meals.  I'm on the right track and heading the right direction, but my brain just doesn't realize that yet.  How long does it take for my brain to be on board?  How long will it take before my sub-conscious finally stops trying to cushion my fall from the failure?  This is ridiculous, and I want it to stop.

Anyone else ever been down this road?  Anyone have any advice for me short of "Just keep going and it'll get better"?  I have an amazing support system, but I'm just so tired of the internal argument.  It is absolutely exhausting.

Princess Biscuit!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Victory in failures...

Today I found victory in my failure.  I was not able to complete the WOD today, for the first time since I started working out at CrossFit Apex.  The WOD in and of itself wasn't horribly difficult, but it was pretty hot, ridiculously humid and I went out way too fast.

Today's WOD:
50 wall ball shots
Then 3 rounds of the following:
10 power cleans (RX was 105, I did 55#)
40 double-unders (I can't do those yet, so it was 40 tuck jumps for me)
run 200 meters
Finish up with 50 burpees after the 3 rounds above.

I was doing pretty well, really, and at 25 minutes or so I was done with my 3 rounds and moving to burpees.  Something about the down to the 12" box then up and  jumping in the air started messing with my equilibrium and it wasn't good.  I finished 5 and took a break, finished 10 and took a break.  At this point, John started to get concerned because I wasn't breathing well, (damn asthma + humidity).  I could still talk to him.  I did 5 more burpees to finish 15, still talking.  I did 1 more and as I landed from my jump I felt my whole body start to wobble like a weeble.  I found a bench to sit down on, in front of the fan, and John came over to tell me I was done.  I really didn't want to be.  I thought I could get up and finish those last 34 burpees, but in reality, that would NOT have ended well.

I have to say, the huge victory in this is that I didn't quit, John made me.  I didn't give up on myself.  My body gave up on me.  I was trying so hard o finish my work out that my body just couldn't keep up.  I'm that girl who used to go to the gym, start walking/running on the treadmill and as soon as it started to get tough, I'd turn off the treadmill and go do something else.  I don't like feeling uncomfortable in my workouts.  I typically quit before it gets too hard.  But I'm not quitting on myself anymore.  I'm pushing myself.  Today I found my max, but that's a good thing, it means I truly pushed myself to my limits.  Next time I'll be able to finish those last 34 burpees, but for today, I'm still incredibly proud of myself.

Edited to add, I decided to go back and read my blog about the Princess Half Marathon this year, and my sister's.  I started this journey of honesty and using my failure to push me to succeed back in February at the Princess.  I decreed back then that I was going to use my failure to finish the princess as motivation to push myself and be prepared to finish it in 2013, and 6 months later, I am still true to my word.  I haven't sabotaged or given up on myself yet, which is a HUGE accomplishment for me.

Princess Biscuit!

Friday, September 7, 2012

And then I cried....

I cried on the way home tonight.  I just couldn't hold it back anymore.  I've been close during and after workouts in the last few weeks, but today, I couldn't control it at all.  Why?  Why did I cry?  Because I cannot believe how blessed I am to work out in a place that doesn't judge me for my current physical condition and the limitations that my obesity puts on me, but instead, they encourage me to continue the work I am doing.  I have no idea how many people were around me, talking to me, and encouraging me to finish today's workout.  First, I will say that today, required modification.

Today's WOD:
10 box jumps (I did 12" rx was 20")
10 bent-over rows (I did 45#, rx was 65#)
20 ab-mat sit ups
10x3 mountain climbers x hand-release push-ups (I did the girlie push-ups)
15 Kettle bell swings (I started with the 26# Kettle bell, but only made it through a few, and had to go down to the orange one, which I think is 13#, not sure)
10 pull-ups (I clearly can't do these, so I use a knee-strap and have to jump, and still can't get my chin all the way up to the bar).

We had to complete 4 rounds in under 30 minutes.  After the first 2 rounds, I thought I was going to make it in time, but after round 3, I didn't think I would.  After 3 rounds, I had less than 7 minutes to complete the last round, and I just didn't think it could happen.  It was then that I was surrounded by folks that were encouraging me, counting for me, telling me "you've got this!!!"  I couldn't ask for a better group of people to work out with.  I would NEVER have expected for a community of fit people to be so understanding, supportive and encouraging.  I have never felt judged at the box.  I have never felt embarrassed by anything except my own insecurities.

In my not so humble, but very outspoken and honest opinion, I have to say that I think Cross Fit is the best option for someone like myself who is confused or scared when it comes to working out.   The awesome thing about CrossFit is that you don't have to figure out what to do each day.  They tell you want to do.  They tell you how to do it so you don't get hurt.  They tell you how much weight they recommend you do.  They encourage you to find your own limits and push yourself past them.  CrossFit is a fitness idiot's dream (take my word for it, I promise).  YOu will not find a better place to discover what you are capable of than at CrossFit.  Find a box near you.  Call and ask questions.  Go try it out.

I will say that we were told at "foundations" that there are typically 2 responses to CrossFit, overwhelmed, and empowered.  I have never felt confident, empowered, or proud of myself, but after about 6 weeks at CrossFit Apex I feel more powerful and proud than I ever have in my life.  I encourage you to find a box near you and try CrossFit out!  If you are in the Raleigh/Durham area, I highly recommend CrossFit Apex.  This is a family of amazing people who care and will support you.  There are not enough superlatives in my vocabulary to describe how I feel about this place!!  Thank you, Andrea, Pete, Mike and all of the CrossFit Apex family for being AMAZING!!!


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A day full of firsts

Well, if you are friends with me on Facebook, you know that I posted earlier about my dad being diagnosed today with the early stages of Alzheimer's.  I wish I could be oblivious to what that means, but since his grandmother had it, this is not a new and confusing diagnosis for my family, we know exactly what lays ahead for us.  In the past I would have let this heart-wrenching news throw me into a binge of unmatched proportions, but today?  Today, I let it drive me, to a workout, filled with firsts.

First, let's see, today's skill was box jumps.  After our warm up, the goal was to work on increasing our box jump height.  The fact is, I have yet to do a box jump.  Thanks to my bum ankle, weight, and sore lower back, I've always just stepped up, stepped down.  Well, I got the box in front of me, and I didn't want to step up.  I wanted to jump.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.  I looked at Jim Barone and said, "What if I fall".  He said, "I'll pick you up and you'll do it again".  Well, okay, if its just that simple, what's the big deal?  So I fall on my face and wipe out, even if I do, I did so TRYING!  I didn't fall on my face running from what scared me, I would fall on my face trying what I feared.  So I tried it, AND I DID IT!!!!!!!  I did my first box jump, on a 12" box.  And I didn't just do it once or twice, I did it quite a few times....and I couldn't be more proud of myself (yet another first.  I usually explain away and minimize my successes, but not today)

Now it's time for the WOD.  Today's WOD doesn't look all that intimidating written on the board at first glance, but then, then you start doing it.  Today's WOD was cleans, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.  In between each set of Cleans, you did 5 bronco kicks, 10 plyo lunges and 15 wall ball sit-ups.  RX for women was 105# for the cleans, but I'm nowhere near ready for that kind of weight.  I put my 45# on the bar and got ready to go.  I did my 10 cleans, then time for the bronco kicks.  I've always modified them before, but today, there would be no modifications.  I did my 5 bronco kicks, then onto my plyo lunges, then my wall ball sit-ups.  I had never done wall ball sit-ups either.  I've always modified them to just plain old ab-mat sit-ups.  Well, no modifications means no I did them.  Today's WOD was for time, and I finished it in right around 36 minutes.  The only thing I modified was the weight on my bar (45 as opposed to 105).  Everything else was RX.

I can't believe I did it.  I want to thank the folks from the 5:30 work-out (I don't know all of your names) and some of those coming in for 6:30.  I was so afraid that Andrea was going to call time and say I had to quit.  I didn't want to quit.  I wanted to finish my workout.  I am so grateful for you guys encouraging me, helping me count, and keeping me going when I thought for sure I wouldn't make it.  This is why I love CrossFit!

No more mods for me....I might have to scale some of the weights, but I'm going to do everything without modifications going forward, unless there is a real reason for the modification....fear is not a real reason.  I'm more afraid of spending the rest of my life overweight, than I am of falling on my face during a WOD.

I've got this....


Back in the saddle....

Well, I ran away to Boston for the weekend for my cousin's wedding, and in a first of all time, didn't gain any weight while I was there.  I gained some water weight thanks to drinking soda, but once I was back home and drinking water, that all went away, and I"m right back where I was before I left town. 

I did go work out at Reebok CrossFit, Back Bay while I was there and had a good workout.  I struggled a little with nerves and anxiety (new place and new people).  They were absolutely amazing and helpful and encouraging. 

I am back today, and going to work out tonight.  I can't wait to get back to MY place and workout with the people I know.  It's time to get back in the saddle, in my routine, and kick this fat's butt!!