Okay..time to calm down a bit, before I get too far ahead of myself. I haven't worked out since the day before Thanksgiving (2 weeks?!?!?!) when I did the double workout. The Monday after Thanksgiving I went down for the count with the stomach bug that my kids were kind enough to share with me, then parenting duties, and play practices and life just got completely in the way. Then, this Monday the upper respiratory crap started. Upper respiratory infection? Sinus infection? Who knows? The fact is, 2 weeks is too damn long to go without working out. The other thing that I have figured out is that missing even 1 workout makes it easier to miss another, and it's a slippery slope from there. This is how people fall off the wagon. This is how people lose the fire to change their lives. Things happen, life happens, and contrary to popular belief, habits die a quick and quiet death. I'm not going to lie, changing clothes to get ready for my workout I felt like I was suiting up for battle, a battle of wills, per se. The reality is, my brain wants me to quit. My brain seems to like the fat lazy heifer I have become over the years. My brain has gotten rather comfortable in the cushy fat floored apartment she is resting in. I've spent about the last 18 years teaching my brain that my body was meant to be slow, out of shape, fat and unhealthy and my brain has obliged and encouraged me to excel at this particularly unpleasant existence I've adopted.
Well, I am now trying to convince my brain that I can and should change my reality. That I can and should excel at working out, but my brain isn't exactly on board yet, and my self-esteem is light-years away from believing this line I'm trying to feed it. My self-esteem and self worth have always been far too willing to accept the negativity I have thrown their way and cheered on my negative body image and mind-set for some reason, so believing in myself is as foreign a language to my brain and my body as speaking Latin would be.
So tonight was a bit scary and intimidating to be back in the box, but if I'm being completely honest, I felt better in my WOD than I have in quite some time. I felt refreshed and strong, even though I haven't been there in 2 weeks.
So our warm up was pretty straight forward, 10 medicine ball slams (10# ball), 5 push-ups, 5 pull-ups, bear crawl and 10 air squats. I'm still not comfortable with bear crawls, so I left those out since it was only the warm up.
After our warm up we were working on our strength skill. I was really excited to see that the skill for today was deadlifts. I LOVE deadlifts. I think this is partially because when I first started, they hurt me so bad. I couldn't do deadlifts when I started with a 15# bar because of the back pain. Now that I have been doing this for 4 months my core strength is much better, and I am a lot stronger. The last time we did deadlifts for our 1 rep max, I started with the learner bar (25#) and only 1 10# plate on each side, so I had 45# on the bar total. Andrea immediately told me that it was too easy and I needed to add weight. I ended up maxing out the bar, and then moving to the larger bar and ran out of time, maxing out at 195#. I was so mad at myself because I really wanted to break 200#. So---Fast forward to tonight. I saw deadlifts on the board and was ecstatic, but that was short-lived. Being someone with very little self confidence, I get intimidated very easily. When Andrea was pairing us up and putting us into groups with people who could lift about the same amounts, she told me I was too strong to lift with the group of girls, and I needed to lift with a pair of guys, Michael and another guy who I had never met before. I can't remember his name to save myself right now. Intimidated doesn't even cover this feeling. Me? Lift with 2 guys? NO!!! I'm not ready for that!!! I'm not strong enough for that!!!! I can't do it!!!! I was scared half out of my mind which lasted just a few seconds, till they discussed starting out with 135# on the bar for the first round of 5 lifts. SHIT! Seriously? 135#? I know my goal was 200, but I was planning to start a bit lower and build up to it, not just jump right to triple digits. So, scared doesn't exactly cover how completely terrified I was. I wanted to run screaming from the box and say, NO!!! I CAN'T LIFT WITH BOYS! WHAT ARE YOU? CRAZY?!?! So, I stepped up to the bar, asked permission to use a double-over grip since the mixed grip is so freaking uncomfortable for me, and Andrea said it was fine. I did my 5 lifts at 135#. Okay, so maybe I can do this after all. Wait? What? You want to go ahead and jump to 185# already? What are you smoking? Okay...so, address the bar and do it! And I did.....next up 205#. Alright then, this is where the rubber meets the road, and can you really lift more than 200#? I put my hands on the bar, and I was physically shaking. My inner self was laughing hysterically, rolling on the floor, crying type of laughing. Only one way I know of to shut-up my inner skeptic, lift the damn bar. Andrea said, "Get out of your head and stand up". So, I did....and it worked! I literally jumped up and down cheering myself on! I just lifted 205 pounds, Me, I did it. Next thing I know, there's 225# on the bar...I took one look at it and said, "I'm out". The guys I was lifting with both did it, and made it look pretty easy. They walked away to get more weights, and I stepped up to the bar. Can I do this? Can I lift 225? Is that possible? While no one was looking, I leaned over, grabbed the bar, and started to lift it. It wasn't quick and easy like the earlier lifts, it is truly my 1-rep max right now, but I'll be damned if I didn't lift 225#. Then I decided to try it again, this time with mixed grip, and now I know why they say to use that grip for heavy weights. I did it. I lifted 225#, not once, but twice. I couldn't be more proud of myself. Why am I so afraid of myself? Why am I afraid of my own strength? Why do I try to convince myself that I am incapable when I am clearly capable? Next goal? Lose enough weight and get stronger so my next PR is my body weight....right now that would be an additional 30 pounds, so if I lose some, and gain some strength, that should be possible. Next up, 250!
Now, WOD #1, 2 minute AMRAP, which could easily qualify as the cardio portion of our workout, or another warm up, was 15 quick box jumps (jump up and down, but I have to step down still) and 5 kettle bell swings (I used a 26.5# kettle bell). I only got through 1 round thanks to the respiratory crap I have going on, my asthma kicked in and I started hacking and wheezing. WOW! Who knew that 2 minutes could be so tough?
10 burpees (hands on the 12" box)
10 medicine ball sit-ups
10 walking lunges
After 1 round, I looked at the clock, and I was at 2:50, after round 2, I realized I had forgotten my half jacks in round 1, so I did 20 half jacks in the second round. After 2 rounds, I was right around 6-1/2 minutes. I had hoped going in to do the WOD in 13 minutes or less. I know that my rounds get slower as I go, so I wasn't really sure that was going to happen. I kept trying to push through, but I was definitely struggling. I continued to push, and work, and eventually, I was in my last round of walking lunges. I was struggling and I stopped for a second. I heard Tyler say, "Push Krista, you can rest when you're done!" Well, there's a different perspective I hadn't considered previously...Okay, Tyler, push it is. I ended up finishing the WOD in 13:05. Even though I didn't finish in my goal time, I did very well. I used to count this as a failure, but now, it's a success. The reality is, I didn't quit, and I WON'T quit! I'm going to beat this body fat, I'm going to come out on top, and hold my head high. I will overcome these hurdles in my way, and do it with my teeth gritted, cursing, sweating and swearing if I have to. So, as far as my workouts go, I'm still good, and I'm going to keep bustin' ass. I've got what it takes to be successful, and I have to do it.
Thank you again, Andrea, for pushing me what way I need to be pushed. Gentlemen, thank you for letting me lift with you. I was incredibly intimidated to do so, thanks for cheering me on!
Till next time--