The Incredible Shrinking Krista

Friday, October 12, 2012

My Journey

So I logged in this morning and found the blog written by one of the girls in a Running Moms group I am a member of on Face Book  that talks about how every person's journey is their own, and should not be compared to another person's journey.

I was very moved by her post this morning because this is one of the very things I have been struggling with and even had a long chat with one of our CrossFit Apx coaches about last night.  He mentioned to me that the other night's WOD, I should probably have scaled more.  I scaled the knees-to-elbows, and the inverted burpees, and I reduced the weight that was prescribed, 75#, to 70#.  Other than that, I did the rest of the WOD as prescribed which is why it took me so darn long to complete it. 

Here's what I was talking to Dan about last night.  I'm still struggling so much with my journey, but desperately want to be capable of completing the WODs as they are written.  Sometimes I try to do more than I probably should.  Last week, two different times, one of the coaches approached me with a board that had the scaled workout for me written on it.  When Tyler approached me, it hurt my pride a bit.  I felt like it was even further confirmation that I'm not capable.  Dan told me I need to ask the coaches if I'm not sure how to scale, which is probably true, but I still feel like such a burden.  Why is it so hard for me to get this?

There are also all the other underlying, oh so fun tapes that play in my head.  I've always leaned on my intelligence because I really have truly felt that was all I had going for me.  Walking into a situation where I don't even have that to lean on in incredibly frustrating and intimidating.  I hate feeling inadequate and stupid even more than I hate being fat.  That is one of the many reasons that at age 37 I am still morbidly obese.  Admitting that I don't know how to make good decisions about food and probably need some intensive therapy to figure out why I'm afraid of the very thing that will help me see the results I want, food.  No one should be afraid of food, but I am.  My ignorance about food and exercise and how the body works in that way is so overwhelming that tacking such a huge unknown is difficult for me.  I have tackled far bigger obstacles in my life.  I have planned a memorial service for my own child.  I was the 2nd person on either side of my family to complete college.  I picked up and moved 500 miles from everything I have ever known 5 days after graduating from college because I knew where I wanted to live and it seemed logical.  I have done a lot of things, and can speak intelligently on most topics including sports, politics, foreign policy, my Christian faith, parenting and the like.  Why is this one so damn hard for me?  How hard is it to understand the inner workings of one's body, how to feed yourself for fuel and not indulgence, and how to work hard enough to burn the calories necessary to see the results you want to see in your body?  It probably isn't that hard for most people, but for me, it seems like an overwhelming and frightening task that I just haven't found the courage to tackle. 

The point is, my journey is my own.  I can't go to the box and compare what I am capable of doing to the other people there. Maybe they have been coming to work out there for 6 months to a year.  Maybe they have never struggled with their weight and don't realize how hard it is for someone my size to get up off the floor and do get-ups to burpees or get-ups to bronco kicks.  I guess the only fair way to say it is, I have no idea what it feels like to never question what your body is capable of and be able to get up and down without pain, discomfort, or looking like an 85 year old when your 37.  I can't expect them to understand what it's like to fight this battle from my perspective either.  The only person on the planet who knows what it is like to do that, is me.  So I need to understand and embrace the fact that my journey is my own and go from there.  Comparing myself and my journey to others isn't going to do anything but frustrate me more. 

Thank you, Hope, for pointing that out this morning.  I think I really needed to hear it!  Please check out Hope's blog at   She's a rock-star and an amazing woman.

1 comment:

  1. It is hard for most people. People that have a naturally better metabolism or have never been excessively over weight typically get lucky because really all they need to to is exercise because their bodies compensate for what they eat in ways yours(and mine) doesn't. That is something that I have been seeing in people around me. They don't understand food any more than I do but they don't fight with it as much because genetically we are very different.