I am facing some of my age-old demons, and while they will not keep me from continuing this process, it still makes it hard.
I keep having these dreams or nightmares might be a better description where I've been going to CrossFit and training for half Marathons/Marathons for a year and a half, and still weigh the exact same amount and have the same figure and clothing size. It scares the hell out of me. I don't want to have to shop for clothes in plus size stores anymore. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in my workout clothes because I'm afraid they are too tight/offensive for the poor people who are working out at the same time as me. I don't want to still have cankles instead of sexy legs. I don't want any of these things, but my sub-conscious is haunting me in my sleep. My brain is trying to convince me to give up, telling me I'll never get the things that I want the most, health, fitness and weight loss.
I have no desire to be skinny, that has never been my goal. Skinny is a pipe-dream. I want to be healthy, flexible and able to keep up with my kids. I want to get to buy a whole new wardrobe, preferably somewhere like Anne Taylor Loft, Banana Republic and the Gap. I want the life I used to have when I thought I was fat, before I knew what this reality was.
When I have these dreams, I wake up in a cold sweat fearing that I will never see the results that I so desperately want. I know it has only been 6 weeks since I started CrossFit, and I am seeing some changes, but all of those old tapes are still playing in my head telling me it's ok. Telling me that I'm going to fail and that it is only just a matter of time. I refuse to let that be the case, so I will continue to bust my ass, 3-5 times a week at CrossFit, and this week, I'm starting to run 3x a week too. My eating is going so much better as well, thanks to Custom Fit Meals. I'm on the right track and heading the right direction, but my brain just doesn't realize that yet. How long does it take for my brain to be on board? How long will it take before my sub-conscious finally stops trying to cushion my fall from the failure? This is ridiculous, and I want it to stop.
Anyone else ever been down this road? Anyone have any advice for me short of "Just keep going and it'll get better"? I have an amazing support system, but I'm just so tired of the internal argument. It is absolutely exhausting.