Self Reflection

You know, I think some things in our lives almost demand that we take a look at our lives, our surroundings, our situations, and evaluate where we are.  I've been doing this a lot over the last year or so, and this morning I had a HUGE revelation, one that I have needed for a VERY long time....but I'll get back to that in a just a bit.

One of the things I have come to realize over time, is that the only thing I can control is myself, my reactions to situations, and my behaviors.  There is no amount of wishing and wanting things to be different that will make it happen.  I can't change how people treat me, no matter how badly I may want to.  I know that there are some people in my life that are toxic, at best.  our personalities don't click, we have different perspectives, etc.  While I know this about these people, I don't need to be aggressive or abusive with these people, I simply need to give them their space, and refuse to invest my emotions in their actions or responses to situations.

So, my huge revelation....

I have long said that I have low self-esteem, and the reality is, I do, especially when it comes to my physical appearance, however, I don't lack confidence in who I am as a person, or my intellectual abilities.  I have no question about my integrity as a person, or my professionalism.  I have figured out that there are some people that are very intimidated by my quiet confidence.  I don't go around bragging about my abilities at all, but I also won't allow someone to disrespect or bully me at any time.  This has been a concern in my current job, and one of the things that led me to resign.  There is a woman in my office that is a horrible bully, and she has been given permission to behave this way by the lack of response by the management when she does it.  I am by no means the first or only person to face her wrath, but I think I may well be the only person to "dismiss" her and walk away and refuse to engage her further.

What I find  the most interesting about the behavior of people like this is that it is very similar to the "big talkers" we all knew in high school.  You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones that we all knew the more they talked about their sexual escapades, the more made-up they were. This lady reminds me of those people.  She feels the need to tell everyone how passionate, intelligent and confident she is, but her behavior seems to display the polar opposite.  Her behavior seems to indicate that she is horribly insecure, and feels the need to bully, verbally abuse and scream at people because she is afraid that they may be right about something, or may offer a point of view that she disagrees with.  In order to avoid the possibility of having to admit a flaw in her thinking, she just continues to scream and yell at people until they shut-up and go away.

So going forward, I will just be embracing the philosophy of "not my circus, not my monkeys" as it pertains to other people and their drama.  I can only control myself and my own reactions to situations, and that is all I will spend my energy concerning myself with.  The reality is, the majority of the people that fall into the "toxic" category I'm speaking of, don't give 2 craps about my opinion, how they make me feel, or any other thing, so why should I waste my energy on them?

Until next time....

Krista