Okay---let's try this again. The fact of the matter is, I have slacked off to a point that I am just NOT happy with what is going on with my body. I have allowed myself to slip back into my really bad eating habits, and habits of laziness, lounging, etc. TOday is day 1 of this journey....AGAIN! I didn't eat all that great today, but we did make it to the gym this evening for our appointment with Joan (a personal trainer at the gym). Joan showed Barney and I quite a few exercises that we can do together, and things that we can do alternating sets with the other. I am already feeling it, and will feel it even more tomorrow, I am sure. I think the most devastating part of today was that she used calipers to determine my body fat percentage, rather than the silly little maching that you hold out in front of you after entering your age, sex, height and weight. According to the measurements she did today, I am currently at a body-fat percentage of 40.8. UGH!!! Not a good feeling, and definitely NOT a comfortable number to hear. I have a VERY long way to go, and I will get there, no matter how many hurdles I have to jump over or obstacles I have to climb. I will make it through this!
A wonderful friend of mine (Thanks Chris) told me this weekend that he felt like I had an awesome heart and drive, and I just needed to get my head and body in agreement with my heart. That's the thing...It isn't that my head and body don't necessarily agree with my heart, they do, it is because I have some very ugly tapes that play in my head on a daily, if not hourly basis. I have to fight through the fact that every single minute of the day I tell myself that I don't deserve to be healthy, I don't deserve to be thin. The biggest obstacle for me to overcome is going to be that negative self-talk. If anyone knows any wonderful remedies for this, I'd love to hear them.
As of now, my plan is simply to fake it until I make it. I'm going to go to the gym at least 4 or 5 times a week, I'm going to attend classes and work out with my husband. I am going to attend weight watchers and write down every single bite I put into my mouth. I will be successful at this as I have been in many other aspects of my life. Most-importantly, I am going to do my very best to be as gently with myself when I have small failures as I would be with anyone else that I love and am friends with. I have found that I hold myself to a much higher standard than I do others in my life. I forgive others far sooner than I forgive myself and that really isn't fair to me.
You will notice that I entitled this post "Day 1". I am doing this as a way of keeping myself accountable. Please keep me on my toes, and if I don't post, feel free to ask me how my day went. I am hoping to make posts on a daily basis....
So...the journey continues.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
A HUGE moment of clarity for me!
Well, I have been struggling with the decision about whether or not to try out for The Biggest Loser, season 13, and yesterday, everything kind of piled up and smacked me in the face. Darn reality checks....so, first, let me tell you about all the things that happened, then I will tell you about my decision.....
I have had a struggle internally since I first thought of applying for "The Biggest Loser" back in season 2 or 3, when Justin was a Baby. My struggle then, now and every season in between was, "Would I really be able to leave my children for 4-5 months?" I mean, let's be honest, being fit, healthy, in shape, and $250,000 richer would be AMAZING, but I just don't know that I could handle being separated from my kids for that long. Last year I auditioned as a favor to my mom who was absolutely mortified that I had sought information about possibly having gastric bypass surgery. She feared for my safety, so offered to pay for me to travel to the open casting call in Orlando, FL. The CC was an amazing experience and I met some really amazing people both online and in person from this amazing experience...but the questions still remained.
Yesterday, Barney and I went for our fitness assessment at the new gym we just started at, and met with a trainer who was absolutely AMAZING! In our conversation, she talked about teaching us how to work out when we aren't with her, (something my previous trainer never once did, I can only assume his reason was to make me dependent on him so I had to continue to pay him and he would get richer as I got thinner.) In that conversation she mentioned that the only "diet" she ever recommends is "Weight Watchers" because they actually teach you how to eat in a way that you can sustain for a lifetime. She kept repeating the phrase, "All things in moderation".....
So last night, at a bit before midnight I was perusing twitter one last time before bed, and came across a post from Olivia Ward who won BL11. She had just posted a new blog (check out http://www.myfitspiration.com/) and I went over to read it before retiring. Olivia was very honest about people questioning her about her workout regime and whether it would be sustainable for the remainder of her life. I won't even try to share the entirety of her thoughts, but I did glean from it that she felt like what worked for her wouldn't likely work for everyone else, and that it was about finding balance in our lives. She is going from working out 8 hours a day on the Biggest Loser Ranch to being home and only working out 90 minutes a day.
In the very moment that I finished reading Olivia's post I instantly knew a few things:
1--I CANNOT leave my children for 5 months, regardless of my motivation for doing so
2--the transition back to reality after BL would be VERY difficult for me. If I lost all of my weight and was successful, I would spend my life worrying about putting the weight back on and failing.
3--Weight Watchers is my best option. I have so much to lose, I'd rather do it here, in my own home, tucking my kids in every night. My life is NOT about immediate gratification, at all, so what if it takes me a year or 2 to get the weight off, I'd rather do it that way than miss the time with my kids, including this Christmas.
So, with all of that said, I will not be applying for The Biggest Loser season 13. I admire all of the people who have gone on the show and successfully transitioned back to real life, but I am just not so sure I could handle that. Besides that, I love my babies way to much to risk missing 5 months of "Justin Snuggles", "Ada Pats", and Ella running around like a wild woman. With as many questions as I have about my ability to be away from them for that long, I refuse to take a spot from someone who knows they could handle it (assuming I was cast, which isn't all that likely) and then 6 weeks in missing my children so much that I choose to leave the ranch. I get so angry when people on the ranch accept an amazing opportunity for training with the world's best, the possibility of winning $250,00 and then walk away because they can't handle it, or want to go home. In Orlando last year, I stood in line with what I was later told ended up being around 5,000 people just to get a shot. Knowing that it would be that big of a struggle for me to commit to, I won't even risk taking the opportunity from someone else.
I have had a struggle internally since I first thought of applying for "The Biggest Loser" back in season 2 or 3, when Justin was a Baby. My struggle then, now and every season in between was, "Would I really be able to leave my children for 4-5 months?" I mean, let's be honest, being fit, healthy, in shape, and $250,000 richer would be AMAZING, but I just don't know that I could handle being separated from my kids for that long. Last year I auditioned as a favor to my mom who was absolutely mortified that I had sought information about possibly having gastric bypass surgery. She feared for my safety, so offered to pay for me to travel to the open casting call in Orlando, FL. The CC was an amazing experience and I met some really amazing people both online and in person from this amazing experience...but the questions still remained.
Yesterday, Barney and I went for our fitness assessment at the new gym we just started at, and met with a trainer who was absolutely AMAZING! In our conversation, she talked about teaching us how to work out when we aren't with her, (something my previous trainer never once did, I can only assume his reason was to make me dependent on him so I had to continue to pay him and he would get richer as I got thinner.) In that conversation she mentioned that the only "diet" she ever recommends is "Weight Watchers" because they actually teach you how to eat in a way that you can sustain for a lifetime. She kept repeating the phrase, "All things in moderation".....
So last night, at a bit before midnight I was perusing twitter one last time before bed, and came across a post from Olivia Ward who won BL11. She had just posted a new blog (check out http://www.myfitspiration.com/) and I went over to read it before retiring. Olivia was very honest about people questioning her about her workout regime and whether it would be sustainable for the remainder of her life. I won't even try to share the entirety of her thoughts, but I did glean from it that she felt like what worked for her wouldn't likely work for everyone else, and that it was about finding balance in our lives. She is going from working out 8 hours a day on the Biggest Loser Ranch to being home and only working out 90 minutes a day.
In the very moment that I finished reading Olivia's post I instantly knew a few things:
1--I CANNOT leave my children for 5 months, regardless of my motivation for doing so
2--the transition back to reality after BL would be VERY difficult for me. If I lost all of my weight and was successful, I would spend my life worrying about putting the weight back on and failing.
3--Weight Watchers is my best option. I have so much to lose, I'd rather do it here, in my own home, tucking my kids in every night. My life is NOT about immediate gratification, at all, so what if it takes me a year or 2 to get the weight off, I'd rather do it that way than miss the time with my kids, including this Christmas.
So, with all of that said, I will not be applying for The Biggest Loser season 13. I admire all of the people who have gone on the show and successfully transitioned back to real life, but I am just not so sure I could handle that. Besides that, I love my babies way to much to risk missing 5 months of "Justin Snuggles", "Ada Pats", and Ella running around like a wild woman. With as many questions as I have about my ability to be away from them for that long, I refuse to take a spot from someone who knows they could handle it (assuming I was cast, which isn't all that likely) and then 6 weeks in missing my children so much that I choose to leave the ranch. I get so angry when people on the ranch accept an amazing opportunity for training with the world's best, the possibility of winning $250,00 and then walk away because they can't handle it, or want to go home. In Orlando last year, I stood in line with what I was later told ended up being around 5,000 people just to get a shot. Knowing that it would be that big of a struggle for me to commit to, I won't even risk taking the opportunity from someone else.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Reality Check
So, the reality of my weight has really set in at this point. I have lost 27 pounds and 39 inches since my casting call in March in Florida, which has me feeling really good. I have gotten a lot of compliments on how much better I am looking. The fact remains, that even with that much weight loss, I looked at the pictures from the beach this week, and reality just bitch-slapped me across the face. Pardon my language, and I hope no one is offended, but that is truly the best description for how I feel right now. I have been been relishing my progress, and been so proud of what I have done, and that has not changed. I was very proud when I put my (maternity) bathing suit on and for the first time since having Ella, the skirt on the front of my maternity suit was so long it was noticable that my suit was a maternity suit. It was also so long that the bottom was not visible.
I looked in the mirror on the way to the beach one day and thought to myself, "you've come a long way, but dear LORD do you have a LONG way to go." For the first time in my life I am NOT discounting the success I have had so far, but I am also being very realistic about the journey and how long it is going to be before I look like I want to look. In an unheard of act of self-awareness (at least for me) I am going to post one of the pictures that slapped me back into reality about how much further I have to go on this insane journey.
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So--here it is, the picure from the beach that has woken me up to how much more work I have to do to get where I want to be. This is also the reason that I have decided that I will definitely be auditioning for The Biggest Loser, season 13. If I don't make it on to Season 13, I have every intention of being too small to audition for BL 14 if one exists. So, here goes....
I looked in the mirror on the way to the beach one day and thought to myself, "you've come a long way, but dear LORD do you have a LONG way to go." For the first time in my life I am NOT discounting the success I have had so far, but I am also being very realistic about the journey and how long it is going to be before I look like I want to look. In an unheard of act of self-awareness (at least for me) I am going to post one of the pictures that slapped me back into reality about how much further I have to go on this insane journey.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
BL 13?!?!
They have just recently made some new announcements about The Biggest Loser 13 changes and casting, and I think I'm going to try 1 more time for the show. They are doing a casting call in Charlotte, NC, a mere 3 hours from our house, and I can make the trip overnight and not incur huge expenses. I would appreciate your support as I try 1 more time to get this much-needed help with my weightloss journey!
Krista
Krista
Friday, July 1, 2011
Decisions, Decisions
Well--I no longer work at the gym, and I have to say, that while I met some really amazing people there (including my new boss), It was probably one of the worst decisions I have ever made professionally. I am thankful for the opportunity to meet my new boss, but the majority of my experience there was certainly NOT positive! I was treated so poorly at the end of my employment, I didn't even finish working the notice I had turned in. This is totally out of character for me, but when I am left in tears by mis-treatment and the management's response is simply "That's fine, you can't let that get in the way of doing your job. Your work is unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances today." it is time for me to go. I know that this isn't the way people behave in all gyms, but the behavior where I was working was frighteningly unprofessional in more ways than I can even discuss here.
So--As of July 11, 2011, I will be working for ACS. ACS is a subsidiary of the Xerox Corporation, and I will be working on outsourced benefits for some pretty big corporations that contract with ACS to administer their benefits. It sound slike this job will be pretty fast-paced, and busy. I think this is going to be an excellent opportunity, and the benefits are awesome.
As for my weightloss journey, well, it has stalled a bit. I'm still hovering right around 240-241, and the remainder of this journey is going to be far more difficult than the beginning. I cannot afford to continue to pay a personal trainer, so I'm going to have to find a way to do this on my own. If The Biggest Loser comes to the Carolinas to cast for Season 13 I will likely audition, otherwise, I will simply send in an application and a video. The fact is, I've got to continue this journey, with or without help. Both trainers I have worked with in the last few months have informed me that without their help, I'm certain to gain all of my weight back, plus some, and I REFUSE to allow them to be right. I am still planning on registering for the Princess Half Marathon, which I will run on my birthday, February 26, 2012. My 36th birthday gift to myself was heading out on the weightloss journey and getting healthy, and the culmination of that trip will be completing the half marathon. I am going to do this....
If anyone knows a personal trainer in this are, willing to help out someone who is struggling and needs the support, Please feel free to give them my name and refer them to my blog. I need help, but can't afford to pay for it right now.
Thanks....until next time.....
Krista
So--As of July 11, 2011, I will be working for ACS. ACS is a subsidiary of the Xerox Corporation, and I will be working on outsourced benefits for some pretty big corporations that contract with ACS to administer their benefits. It sound slike this job will be pretty fast-paced, and busy. I think this is going to be an excellent opportunity, and the benefits are awesome.
As for my weightloss journey, well, it has stalled a bit. I'm still hovering right around 240-241, and the remainder of this journey is going to be far more difficult than the beginning. I cannot afford to continue to pay a personal trainer, so I'm going to have to find a way to do this on my own. If The Biggest Loser comes to the Carolinas to cast for Season 13 I will likely audition, otherwise, I will simply send in an application and a video. The fact is, I've got to continue this journey, with or without help. Both trainers I have worked with in the last few months have informed me that without their help, I'm certain to gain all of my weight back, plus some, and I REFUSE to allow them to be right. I am still planning on registering for the Princess Half Marathon, which I will run on my birthday, February 26, 2012. My 36th birthday gift to myself was heading out on the weightloss journey and getting healthy, and the culmination of that trip will be completing the half marathon. I am going to do this....
If anyone knows a personal trainer in this are, willing to help out someone who is struggling and needs the support, Please feel free to give them my name and refer them to my blog. I need help, but can't afford to pay for it right now.
Thanks....until next time.....
Krista
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Speed bumps....
The most difficult part of this darned journey to get healthy are the speed bumps in the road and tolls you have to pay to be on this journey. These tolls and speed bumps serve as warning signs and speed traps along the way, and they are the most difficult part for me to "get over". I really enjoy working out these days, I love to sweat, it feels good to get out of breath and know that I am doing something to help myself at this point.....the problem is, my speed bumps, tolls, and speed traps are all food related. The fact of the matter is, my eating habits are the only reason that the scale isn't showing the decreases that I would like to see. I need some serious help with food. I am a foodie--I love to eat!! I like how I feel when I eat sugary stuff, I hate to tell myself "no" and I LOVE food about as much as my body hates it. I eat what I want, only to feel like crap a few hours later and miserable the next day...then the guilt sets in. "I'm a failure", "Why did I just do that?", "Why did I just let myself eat that?" The sad part is, as smart and well-educated as I am, this is the biggest hurdle I have to overcome.
I have a cruise to be on in 5 short months and would really like the reflection I see in the mirror to be one I am happy with. I am supposed to be running a half marathon on February 26 of next year, but there isn't a chance in the world that I can run 13.1 miles at the 240.2 pounds that I am tipping the scales at at the moment. I just have no idea how I'm going to get over this particular speed bump in my health and fitness. The fact of the matter is, at this point, I'm not even eligible for individual insurance because of my weight (Even though I have NONE of the typical and expensive co-morbidities that go with Obesity).
I NEED HELP!!! So, I have decided to change personal trainers. The new trainer is also a certified nutritional counselor. This is an uphill battle for me with my history, as well as the fact that I have 1 child who has sensory integration disorder and can't eat meat, or pasta, or most anything except chicken nuggets, yogurt, cheese and chips without vomitting. Add to that the next child who won't eat anything her big brother doesn't, and a job schedule that leaves my poor darling husband home 2-3 nights/week with 3 kids that he has to figure out how to feed, bathe and tuck into bed before their exhausted Mommy gets home and you have the perfect storm of circumstances for frozen, easy, overly-processed and preserved foods and you get a ridiculously unhealthy family! This trend has GOT to change.
I will gladly accept any advice that anyone has to offer with the exception of surgery or meal replacement shakes, and the like. Surgery is a very good option for many people, but as a woman with a clotting disorder that makes it 120% more likely I will have a blood clot that the average person, major surgery is just NOT a good idea. As far as the meal replacement shakes and things go, again, another valid option for many, but not something I can feesibly do for the rest of my life, so not something that will work long-term for me.
Thanks!
krista
I have a cruise to be on in 5 short months and would really like the reflection I see in the mirror to be one I am happy with. I am supposed to be running a half marathon on February 26 of next year, but there isn't a chance in the world that I can run 13.1 miles at the 240.2 pounds that I am tipping the scales at at the moment. I just have no idea how I'm going to get over this particular speed bump in my health and fitness. The fact of the matter is, at this point, I'm not even eligible for individual insurance because of my weight (Even though I have NONE of the typical and expensive co-morbidities that go with Obesity).
I NEED HELP!!! So, I have decided to change personal trainers. The new trainer is also a certified nutritional counselor. This is an uphill battle for me with my history, as well as the fact that I have 1 child who has sensory integration disorder and can't eat meat, or pasta, or most anything except chicken nuggets, yogurt, cheese and chips without vomitting. Add to that the next child who won't eat anything her big brother doesn't, and a job schedule that leaves my poor darling husband home 2-3 nights/week with 3 kids that he has to figure out how to feed, bathe and tuck into bed before their exhausted Mommy gets home and you have the perfect storm of circumstances for frozen, easy, overly-processed and preserved foods and you get a ridiculously unhealthy family! This trend has GOT to change.
I will gladly accept any advice that anyone has to offer with the exception of surgery or meal replacement shakes, and the like. Surgery is a very good option for many people, but as a woman with a clotting disorder that makes it 120% more likely I will have a blood clot that the average person, major surgery is just NOT a good idea. As far as the meal replacement shakes and things go, again, another valid option for many, but not something I can feesibly do for the rest of my life, so not something that will work long-term for me.
Thanks!
krista
Friday, June 10, 2011
Progress....
As anyone who has ever undertaken a new journey as large as the one I have started can attest, there are moments where you wonder if it is worth all the effort. With weightloss, because you see yourself in the mirror every day, it is difficult to notice any changes. I have started to feel drastically different in the last few weeks and I was wondering what changes, if any, were noticable to anyone else. Well, massive changes are happening, and i now know that the changes MUST be visible.
I started working out with my trainer in late February, right before my birthday. We did my first measurements on March 1. I weighed in at a frightening 267 pounds. I have made drastic changes since then, and the results are very clear.
1st, I finished a 5K last weekend, in a total of 50:49 minutes. I had set a goal of finishing in under an hour, and obviously reached that. I have also been bitten by the running bug, and am looking forward to a half marathon training program that begins at the end of this month. I will be running a half marathon in February, and possibly in October.
2nd, I have lost a total at this point of 26 pounds, so I am down to around 241. I am about 1.4 pounds from the 230's, which is very, very exciting!
3rd, I have lost an eye-opening total of 38.75 inches off of my body in the last 3 1/2 months or so. I fin that number hard to even process. I have set a goal to lose 20" in the next month, and hopefully another 10-12 pounds.
4th, and most importantly in my opinion, any time you make these kinds of drastic changes in your life, there will be times when things happen that make you want nothing more than what USED to comfort you, like eating away your sorrows. The reality of it is, there is no amount of food, ice cream, or anything that will make the situation better or easier to deal with. In fact, one of the best things to get stress in control is exercise. So--from here on out, when I have a HORRIBLE day, like I had on Tuesday, I will choose to run/exercise instead of eating.
Krista
I started working out with my trainer in late February, right before my birthday. We did my first measurements on March 1. I weighed in at a frightening 267 pounds. I have made drastic changes since then, and the results are very clear.
1st, I finished a 5K last weekend, in a total of 50:49 minutes. I had set a goal of finishing in under an hour, and obviously reached that. I have also been bitten by the running bug, and am looking forward to a half marathon training program that begins at the end of this month. I will be running a half marathon in February, and possibly in October.
2nd, I have lost a total at this point of 26 pounds, so I am down to around 241. I am about 1.4 pounds from the 230's, which is very, very exciting!
3rd, I have lost an eye-opening total of 38.75 inches off of my body in the last 3 1/2 months or so. I fin that number hard to even process. I have set a goal to lose 20" in the next month, and hopefully another 10-12 pounds.
4th, and most importantly in my opinion, any time you make these kinds of drastic changes in your life, there will be times when things happen that make you want nothing more than what USED to comfort you, like eating away your sorrows. The reality of it is, there is no amount of food, ice cream, or anything that will make the situation better or easier to deal with. In fact, one of the best things to get stress in control is exercise. So--from here on out, when I have a HORRIBLE day, like I had on Tuesday, I will choose to run/exercise instead of eating.
Krista
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