As a woman who has suffered with Clinical depression for years, and never been all that willing to accept it, sometimes life kicks me in the ass, and situations make me stand up and acknowledge the reality of who I am. I am in that place right now.
Some of you may remember that this past January, my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. He is only 64 years old, but there is some conjecture that his Alzheimer's is progressing at an increased rate due to his exposure to Agent Orange during the Vietnam War, and whatever cause "Gulf War Syndrome" as he suffered from that as well. My father has always been one of the lights of my life, and my hero. He has always been a positive force in my life and one that can make all of us laugh when we have needed it the most. Needless to say, the idea of losing that connection and personality is terrifying to me.
Most of you also know that my mother was diagnosed 10 years ago with Multiple Sclerosis. This was an equally devastating diagnosis because of all of the unknowns. I had never known anyone that I could think of (other than Montel Williams) that had been diagnosed with MS. As it turns out, my mother has "Relapsing Remitting" one of the more slowly progressing forms of this terrible disease, and as a result, a weekly shot and a few times in the last 10 years she's had a few days of IV steroids, but really, not much worse off, especially now that she knows what causes her symptoms to flare up and is very vocal about it when those things start to happen.
All-in-all, my sister and I have decided that we're pretty screwed in the brain department, but there's not much that we can do about that. The thing is though, that the gravity of a father with Alzheimer's and a mother with MS just really hit me in the head this morning, and with the clinical depression I've struggled with for years, I feel like I have taken a huge hit. My mom can't devote her time 100% to taking care of daddy, because she has to take care of herself or risk ending up in a full-blown MS exacerbation. Daddy can't take care of mom like he has the last 10 years, because quite frankly, while he's still in pretty good shape mentally, he is struggling to some extent with remembering the little things that he did yesterday, so if he promised mom he would do something, it may or may not happen. As their daughter I feel like I need to step up in some meaningful way to help my parents navigate this mine-field of aging with neurological disorders, but I feel wholly under-equipped for the job. I work full time, I have 3 kids, and a husband, and a house and a life of my own. This isn't to say that I don't owe to my parents to help out, I absolutely do, but how? when? Thus the feeling that I have fallen down a hole. My brain is overwhelmed with what my reality is at the moment, and I just really don't even know what to do about it at this point.
Yes, I know the simple and obvious answers, make sure I'm taking my medicine and maybe talk to a counselor, but that won't change my reality and the fact that I have two parents with major neurological disorders for which there is no cure. I also need to get back to exercising, because I could really use some of those endorphins. Sometimes being an adult just sucks. I've always said there wasn't enough money in the world to make me wish I was young again, but at the moment, teenage ignorance of what was to happen 20 years later (now) sounds pretty damn good to me....
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Race Reflections
I have had this post floating around in my head for a few days.
I was looking through a container of crayons, pencils and various coloring implements the other day and came across my Princess medal from 2012. I haven't really displayed it, because I felt like I hadn't earned it, and was quite frankly ashamed that I even had it in my possession. Then the other day at work I saw my Diva 5k medal hung proudly in my cubicle. I got in the car and came across my Battleship Half Marathon medal in the car. I have a lot of friends that have personalized medal hangars, and special places to display their race medals. It occurred to me that I have been showing absolutely no pride in my accomplishments, because yet again, I felt what I accomplished wasn't worthy of showing off. But why???
The fact is, most people at my size, BMI, and fitness level have given up on themselves. Not only have I not given up on myself, I'm continuing to push myself to accomplish things that people half my size and in far better shape are afraid of attempting. Was I trained appropriately for my Princess Half Marathon last year (2012), no, but I still showed up, pushed myself, and with Plantar Fasciatis (or however in the world you spell that), IT band issues and a massive ankle spur, made it 2 miles. I went out and I tried.
I did the Diva 5k in May of last year in 52:15, a little over 17 minutes/mile, which if I had continued training, would have been more than capable of getting my pace to under the 16 minute mile required by Run Disney.
I started doing CrossFit in July, to also make myself stronger. It has absolutely worked. I've gone from lifting only a 35# bar, to being able to backsquat 125#. I can deadlift 225#. I can lift a lot of weight now, I have been complimented on my form repeatedly.
I intended to train and be ready for this year's Princess, and do a half marathon here locally to get a good finishing time, but yet again, I sabotaged myself, and didn't train. I went 12-1/2 miles in about 4 hours, and again, while I didn't finish, I am incredibly proud of my accomplishment.
In January I registered for and competed in my first ever CrossFit competition. My goals going in were to not embarrass the box owner, not finish dead last, and not embarrass myself. I found myself getting compliments from competitors on both days, spectators came up and told me how impressed they were with my drive and refusal to quit. I found myself on the "Women of CrossFit = Strong" facebook page, submitted by a friend, and my picture and store were all over facebook for a few days. It was touching, and inspiring and impressive. I never saw myself as an inspiration, but I keep getting told that I am one.
Then it was time for the 2013 Princess Half Marathon. I was starting in Corral D. I should have had a sizable lead on the balloon ladies/pacers, and I did. I had about a 25-30 minute lead on them which with my slow pace was only about a mile and a quarter. I figured I'd have to be moving it, because I would likely see the balloon ladies at mile 6 or 7, but I didn't see them until mile 8-1/2 or 9. I wish I had had the foresight to turn around and see how many people were behind me. I understand there were around 1,000 or so people behind me still at that point, but just seeing the balloon ladies put me off my game, and I just gave up on myself. I let the normal aches and pains that someone should feel at that point get to me, and I sat down on the guard rail at mile 10 and waited for the bus. I should have kept pushing, but I didn't have the mental strength to do so.
I should be incredibly proud of what I am doing. A lot of women my size have given up on themselves. They have quit trying to do anything to change it. We see them every season on The Biggest Loser, Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, and similar shows. I was in that place 2 years ago. I honestly believed the only way I could possibly lose this weight and regain my life was to go on BL, so I even drove to Orlando to wait in line to get 20 minutes with a casting director hoping I would find myself on The Biggest Loser, season 12. I am NOT giving up on myself, I continue to sign up for races, I continue to go to CrossFit. I will continue to push my body to its limits unless and until I get myself to a healthy weight. I will continue to do whatever it takes to regain my life and the body I used to hate because I didn't understand it. I didn't understand that my body wasn't mad to be "skinny", but instead, to be rounded, and voluptuous and beautiful. Now I get it, so I just have to keep pushing myself to find the body that is underneath this layer of fat. I will find it, however long it takes, and when I do, I will continue to push my body to its limits. There is a lot of life left in this body, but I won't get a chance to enjoy it if I don't keep pushing to find what it is I can do. I look forward to being able to run a half marathon and not have to answer the question from my children of, "Do you think you'll finish this time, Mommy?" or "Mommy, Why didn't you finish? When will you be able to finish?" I want to inspire my children, to show them that you NEVER give up, and that we can all do whatever we put our minds to!
Till next time....
Krista
I was looking through a container of crayons, pencils and various coloring implements the other day and came across my Princess medal from 2012. I haven't really displayed it, because I felt like I hadn't earned it, and was quite frankly ashamed that I even had it in my possession. Then the other day at work I saw my Diva 5k medal hung proudly in my cubicle. I got in the car and came across my Battleship Half Marathon medal in the car. I have a lot of friends that have personalized medal hangars, and special places to display their race medals. It occurred to me that I have been showing absolutely no pride in my accomplishments, because yet again, I felt what I accomplished wasn't worthy of showing off. But why???
The fact is, most people at my size, BMI, and fitness level have given up on themselves. Not only have I not given up on myself, I'm continuing to push myself to accomplish things that people half my size and in far better shape are afraid of attempting. Was I trained appropriately for my Princess Half Marathon last year (2012), no, but I still showed up, pushed myself, and with Plantar Fasciatis (or however in the world you spell that), IT band issues and a massive ankle spur, made it 2 miles. I went out and I tried.
I did the Diva 5k in May of last year in 52:15, a little over 17 minutes/mile, which if I had continued training, would have been more than capable of getting my pace to under the 16 minute mile required by Run Disney.
I started doing CrossFit in July, to also make myself stronger. It has absolutely worked. I've gone from lifting only a 35# bar, to being able to backsquat 125#. I can deadlift 225#. I can lift a lot of weight now, I have been complimented on my form repeatedly.
I intended to train and be ready for this year's Princess, and do a half marathon here locally to get a good finishing time, but yet again, I sabotaged myself, and didn't train. I went 12-1/2 miles in about 4 hours, and again, while I didn't finish, I am incredibly proud of my accomplishment.
In January I registered for and competed in my first ever CrossFit competition. My goals going in were to not embarrass the box owner, not finish dead last, and not embarrass myself. I found myself getting compliments from competitors on both days, spectators came up and told me how impressed they were with my drive and refusal to quit. I found myself on the "Women of CrossFit = Strong" facebook page, submitted by a friend, and my picture and store were all over facebook for a few days. It was touching, and inspiring and impressive. I never saw myself as an inspiration, but I keep getting told that I am one.
Then it was time for the 2013 Princess Half Marathon. I was starting in Corral D. I should have had a sizable lead on the balloon ladies/pacers, and I did. I had about a 25-30 minute lead on them which with my slow pace was only about a mile and a quarter. I figured I'd have to be moving it, because I would likely see the balloon ladies at mile 6 or 7, but I didn't see them until mile 8-1/2 or 9. I wish I had had the foresight to turn around and see how many people were behind me. I understand there were around 1,000 or so people behind me still at that point, but just seeing the balloon ladies put me off my game, and I just gave up on myself. I let the normal aches and pains that someone should feel at that point get to me, and I sat down on the guard rail at mile 10 and waited for the bus. I should have kept pushing, but I didn't have the mental strength to do so.
I should be incredibly proud of what I am doing. A lot of women my size have given up on themselves. They have quit trying to do anything to change it. We see them every season on The Biggest Loser, Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, and similar shows. I was in that place 2 years ago. I honestly believed the only way I could possibly lose this weight and regain my life was to go on BL, so I even drove to Orlando to wait in line to get 20 minutes with a casting director hoping I would find myself on The Biggest Loser, season 12. I am NOT giving up on myself, I continue to sign up for races, I continue to go to CrossFit. I will continue to push my body to its limits unless and until I get myself to a healthy weight. I will continue to do whatever it takes to regain my life and the body I used to hate because I didn't understand it. I didn't understand that my body wasn't mad to be "skinny", but instead, to be rounded, and voluptuous and beautiful. Now I get it, so I just have to keep pushing myself to find the body that is underneath this layer of fat. I will find it, however long it takes, and when I do, I will continue to push my body to its limits. There is a lot of life left in this body, but I won't get a chance to enjoy it if I don't keep pushing to find what it is I can do. I look forward to being able to run a half marathon and not have to answer the question from my children of, "Do you think you'll finish this time, Mommy?" or "Mommy, Why didn't you finish? When will you be able to finish?" I want to inspire my children, to show them that you NEVER give up, and that we can all do whatever we put our minds to!
Till next time....
Krista
Monday, December 10, 2012
ugh! Can I get a do-over?
Well, Tonight's WOD was the horrible ending the capped off my horrible day. The first even of the day will not be mentioned here--next I got an email from HR in response to my questions about the status of the job I interviewed for and was told that another person had been recommended. I got fussed at and yelled at by students, I had people sent to me that didn't have appointments and I didn't know were coming. I had to do mommy duty in the parking lot because my 6 year old was refusing to go to school, screaming at my mom and refusing to let her brush her hair before school. It was a long and very rough day...I just knew that going to workout was going to make it all better, because working hard and sweating always makes me feel better, and I feel like I accomplished something. I was chatting with a friend of mine this afternoon, and told her that days like today make me want to quit. I'm not going to quit, I'm NEVER going to quit, but days like this would normally be what did me in and made me walk away in the past.
I was so excited when I got to CrossFit, but that was VERY short-lived. During the warm-up we needed to run 100 meters and I felt like I was running with anvils at the ends of my legs.
WOD#1--6 rounds for time, 25 minute max
3 squat cleans ( I had 65#)
20 ab mat sit-ups
6 inverted burpees (I had to do get-up to bronco kicks)
10 box jumps
I got through 4 complete rounds, and made it to the inverted burpees in the 5th round. I was absolutely devastated. I left the box in tears and just went and sat in the parking lot and cried. I was embarrassed and frustrated. I absolutely HATE not finishing. I HATE DNF'ing. I knew my lungs weren't on board for a lot of running tonight because I'm still coughing and congested, but I didn't expect to not be able to finish.
There was to be a second WOD which included sprints. There was NO way I could sprint tonight, so after I failed at the first workout, I grabbed my stuff and headed to the car. I just sat there and cried. Our coach, Tyler, stopped me on the way out and told me that my attendance meant I was on the right path. He told me to think back to what I was capable of when I started in late July, the answer is, I wasn't capable of much. Today was a bad day, but as bac as it was, I am NEVER going to quit, Tyler & Andrea. I will continue to show up and do the best I can. I will get through this speed bump. See you again on Wednesday!
Until next time....
Krista
I was so excited when I got to CrossFit, but that was VERY short-lived. During the warm-up we needed to run 100 meters and I felt like I was running with anvils at the ends of my legs.
WOD#1--6 rounds for time, 25 minute max
3 squat cleans ( I had 65#)
20 ab mat sit-ups
6 inverted burpees (I had to do get-up to bronco kicks)
10 box jumps
I got through 4 complete rounds, and made it to the inverted burpees in the 5th round. I was absolutely devastated. I left the box in tears and just went and sat in the parking lot and cried. I was embarrassed and frustrated. I absolutely HATE not finishing. I HATE DNF'ing. I knew my lungs weren't on board for a lot of running tonight because I'm still coughing and congested, but I didn't expect to not be able to finish.
There was to be a second WOD which included sprints. There was NO way I could sprint tonight, so after I failed at the first workout, I grabbed my stuff and headed to the car. I just sat there and cried. Our coach, Tyler, stopped me on the way out and told me that my attendance meant I was on the right path. He told me to think back to what I was capable of when I started in late July, the answer is, I wasn't capable of much. Today was a bad day, but as bac as it was, I am NEVER going to quit, Tyler & Andrea. I will continue to show up and do the best I can. I will get through this speed bump. See you again on Wednesday!
Until next time....
Krista
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Soapbox
Well, you have all probably noticed that I haven't posted about my workouts this week and the very simple reason for that is that I haven't worked out. I have been fighting migraines all week, and just feeling unmotivated to do anything other than pull the covers up over my head pretending that the world doesn't exist. Let me explain why.
First, I had such a horribly migraine this weekend, one so bad that I felt like my eyeballs were pulsating in their sockets and I could SEE my heartbeat. It took me a good couple of days, till late Wednesday afternoon to finally completely get rid of the pain.
Then there have been a lot of my friends going through extremely difficult times. I needed to step back and re-evaluate where I was myself and what my motivations for things are. I have been privy to the knowledge that a group of people who claim to be friends and Christians are apparently doing all they possibly can to demolish the business and reputation of someone who has done more for me to help me through this journey than I could ever have asked. The fact is, the viciousness with which they are attacking this person is so offensive and frightening I can't even comprehend it. It is a personal vendetta taken to the extreme limits of my comprehension. I will NEVER understand how any self-respecting person could do the things that are being done in this situation. People who are this hateful, mean and spiteful must really hate themselves to treat someone as genuine and wonderful the way that they are.
Fast forward a few days and I find out that the husband of an online friend in a group of women who have been together for 5 years since we all went through the loss of our babies that were due in May of 2008 has cancer. This group of women have thrown baby showers for subsequent pregnancies, supported each other through addiction, domestic violence, secondary infertility, infidelity, divorce, dating, children with special needs and re-marriages. This week we found out that the husband of one of our beloved campers has stage 4 bowel cancer and surgery is not an option. Tori and Rob have 2 children the ages of my 2 girls, 6 and 4. Rob has 2 older children from his previous marriage. I cannot even begin to comprehend how they must be feeling right now, and all I can think is that I don't know how I would be able to function if I were in their shoes. They are handling this diagnosis with more strength and grace than I can comprehend, and all I can think is how badly I wish I could be there, though I don't know that I would even be able to say ANYTHING or do ANYTHING worth saying or doing, other than offer support.
It hit me as I was wallowing in all of this drama and sadness, that if I don't get off my ass and make a serious change to my lifestyle, it could be my family that is in Tori and her boys' shoes. It could be my family trying to explain to my kids why mommy had a stroke, or a heart attack, or one of the various other issues that comes along with morbid obesity. So its time to get it in gear. It is okay to grieve for my friends and to wish I could help them with everything in my power. But the biggest thing I can do in honor, respect and tribute of them and their struggles is to make sure that my family doesn't have to walk in the same shoes they are walking in right now.
So, let me take this opportunity to tell Andrea, how much I appreciate your support, knowledge and understanding. Your journey from bulemia to health and fitness is nothing short of amazing and miraculous. Being able to talk to someone who has fought the fight that I'm in round 1 of right now makes it easier to put the puzzle together and almost make sense of it all. You are an inspiration, and a consummate professional. You treat everyone you encounter with the dignity and respect you would want in return, and it has served you well in your life and career. You rock socks, I don't care what anyone else thinks, says, feels or posts.
Tori and Rob, I can't begin to comprehend what lies ahead of you and how you are feeling. Please know that you and your families are in my prayers, and will remain there at all times. If anyone is ornery enough to kick cancer's ass, it is most definitely, Mr. Contraction. We love you both.
Princess Krista
First, I had such a horribly migraine this weekend, one so bad that I felt like my eyeballs were pulsating in their sockets and I could SEE my heartbeat. It took me a good couple of days, till late Wednesday afternoon to finally completely get rid of the pain.
Then there have been a lot of my friends going through extremely difficult times. I needed to step back and re-evaluate where I was myself and what my motivations for things are. I have been privy to the knowledge that a group of people who claim to be friends and Christians are apparently doing all they possibly can to demolish the business and reputation of someone who has done more for me to help me through this journey than I could ever have asked. The fact is, the viciousness with which they are attacking this person is so offensive and frightening I can't even comprehend it. It is a personal vendetta taken to the extreme limits of my comprehension. I will NEVER understand how any self-respecting person could do the things that are being done in this situation. People who are this hateful, mean and spiteful must really hate themselves to treat someone as genuine and wonderful the way that they are.
Fast forward a few days and I find out that the husband of an online friend in a group of women who have been together for 5 years since we all went through the loss of our babies that were due in May of 2008 has cancer. This group of women have thrown baby showers for subsequent pregnancies, supported each other through addiction, domestic violence, secondary infertility, infidelity, divorce, dating, children with special needs and re-marriages. This week we found out that the husband of one of our beloved campers has stage 4 bowel cancer and surgery is not an option. Tori and Rob have 2 children the ages of my 2 girls, 6 and 4. Rob has 2 older children from his previous marriage. I cannot even begin to comprehend how they must be feeling right now, and all I can think is that I don't know how I would be able to function if I were in their shoes. They are handling this diagnosis with more strength and grace than I can comprehend, and all I can think is how badly I wish I could be there, though I don't know that I would even be able to say ANYTHING or do ANYTHING worth saying or doing, other than offer support.
It hit me as I was wallowing in all of this drama and sadness, that if I don't get off my ass and make a serious change to my lifestyle, it could be my family that is in Tori and her boys' shoes. It could be my family trying to explain to my kids why mommy had a stroke, or a heart attack, or one of the various other issues that comes along with morbid obesity. So its time to get it in gear. It is okay to grieve for my friends and to wish I could help them with everything in my power. But the biggest thing I can do in honor, respect and tribute of them and their struggles is to make sure that my family doesn't have to walk in the same shoes they are walking in right now.
So, let me take this opportunity to tell Andrea, how much I appreciate your support, knowledge and understanding. Your journey from bulemia to health and fitness is nothing short of amazing and miraculous. Being able to talk to someone who has fought the fight that I'm in round 1 of right now makes it easier to put the puzzle together and almost make sense of it all. You are an inspiration, and a consummate professional. You treat everyone you encounter with the dignity and respect you would want in return, and it has served you well in your life and career. You rock socks, I don't care what anyone else thinks, says, feels or posts.
Tori and Rob, I can't begin to comprehend what lies ahead of you and how you are feeling. Please know that you and your families are in my prayers, and will remain there at all times. If anyone is ornery enough to kick cancer's ass, it is most definitely, Mr. Contraction. We love you both.
Princess Krista
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Spiritual Muscles
Shew...I can't believe it has been a week since I blogged, and a week since my last workout. I took some time off this weekend to exercise my spiritual muscles instead of the physical ones, and man-oh-man, was it needed. It is amazing to me that regardless of where I am in my life and what has been going on, going to something like Women of Faith and always address my concerns and help me feel some peace.
On Friday night, one of the speakers was Mandisa, as in, Mandisa from American Idol, season 5. She was talking about being on the show, The Doctors tomorrow morning, and how they were doing a show on inspirational weight-loss stories. Mandisa was talking about how holding onto the things of the past and allowing ourselves to let go physically is disrespectful because we aren't fully capable of being who God made us to be if our body is sick.
Then on Saturday, Christine Caine based her time on the plague of the frogs, from Exodus chapter 8. The interesting part of this is this excerpt: Exo 8:9 And Moses said unto Pharaoh, Glory over me: when shall I intreat for thee, and for thy servants, and for thy people, to destroy the frogs from thee and thy houses, that they may remain in the river only? Exo 8:10 And he said, Tomorrow. And he said, Be it according to thy word: that thou mayest know that there is none like unto the LORD our God.
Now, I don't know about you, but I am forever and ALWAYS putting things off till tomorrow. And what Christine Caine talked about was the fact that if we don't deal with our yesterdays today, tomorrow will be no different. Why wait until tomorrow? Why take the baggage of your childhood into the future with you? Why wait until Tomorrow?!?! This was very poignant for me, because it is a pattern I have a habit of falling into. I don't have to wait to start my diet until Monday, I don't have to wait to start exercising on Monday, why not make the changes today? What is holding us back? Why are we so afraid to make the changes TODAY???? You can't make tomorrow different if you take the crap from your past with you.
What are you waiting too change? Why are you waiting? We all had issues as a kid. I felt like I was forever on a diet, I got picked on because my mom was obese, and then one day a kid said to me, "You're fat, just like your mom." and my world stopped. She never wanted me to be overweight, and I always swore I wouldn't be overweight, and this is where my fear and anxiety around food went into overdrive. That comment is what made me stop eating, and I was anorexic for 6 months. I was down to a size 0 and still felt fat, because I gave that kid, and my fear power over my life. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm trying, with everything in me, to take my life back from those fears and anxiety. It isn't perfect, and it will most definitely be a process that takes time, but it is doable. I'm not waiting for tomorrow anymore. I'm starting today. Taking the crap from my past into tomorrow is going to do nothing but prevent me from being the beautiful person that God created me to be...so I'm dumping my baggage today, and moving forward. Who's going with me?!?!
On Friday night, one of the speakers was Mandisa, as in, Mandisa from American Idol, season 5. She was talking about being on the show, The Doctors tomorrow morning, and how they were doing a show on inspirational weight-loss stories. Mandisa was talking about how holding onto the things of the past and allowing ourselves to let go physically is disrespectful because we aren't fully capable of being who God made us to be if our body is sick.
Then on Saturday, Christine Caine based her time on the plague of the frogs, from Exodus chapter 8. The interesting part of this is this excerpt: Exo 8:9 And Moses said unto Pharaoh, Glory over me: when shall I intreat for thee, and for thy servants, and for thy people, to destroy the frogs from thee and thy houses, that they may remain in the river only? Exo 8:10 And he said, Tomorrow. And he said, Be it according to thy word: that thou mayest know that there is none like unto the LORD our God.
Now, I don't know about you, but I am forever and ALWAYS putting things off till tomorrow. And what Christine Caine talked about was the fact that if we don't deal with our yesterdays today, tomorrow will be no different. Why wait until tomorrow? Why take the baggage of your childhood into the future with you? Why wait until Tomorrow?!?! This was very poignant for me, because it is a pattern I have a habit of falling into. I don't have to wait to start my diet until Monday, I don't have to wait to start exercising on Monday, why not make the changes today? What is holding us back? Why are we so afraid to make the changes TODAY???? You can't make tomorrow different if you take the crap from your past with you.
What are you waiting too change? Why are you waiting? We all had issues as a kid. I felt like I was forever on a diet, I got picked on because my mom was obese, and then one day a kid said to me, "You're fat, just like your mom." and my world stopped. She never wanted me to be overweight, and I always swore I wouldn't be overweight, and this is where my fear and anxiety around food went into overdrive. That comment is what made me stop eating, and I was anorexic for 6 months. I was down to a size 0 and still felt fat, because I gave that kid, and my fear power over my life. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm trying, with everything in me, to take my life back from those fears and anxiety. It isn't perfect, and it will most definitely be a process that takes time, but it is doable. I'm not waiting for tomorrow anymore. I'm starting today. Taking the crap from my past into tomorrow is going to do nothing but prevent me from being the beautiful person that God created me to be...so I'm dumping my baggage today, and moving forward. Who's going with me?!?!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I reached a personal best!
Dedication is showing up to work out when it is 48* outside, and pretty much no heat in the building. I say this because our normal 5:30 class is jam packed, we have to share equipment, pair up, and half of us have to start the WOD in the middle so we aren't using the same equipment at the same time. yesterday? Not an issue at all. There were 8 of us there, and we could choose between 2 different WODs. 4 of us did each.
When I got there I was feeling a bit better and knew that the workout would make me feel better but I had no idea how much better.
Observation #1--doing pull-ups, knees to Elbows or anything that requires hanging from the bar, when it is cold...SUX!!! I must get gloves, and soon, because just hanging there hurt.
This week at the box we are working on strength skills and finding our max. Yesterday we did back squats. It was the first time I have ever done back squats, so I was scared to death. Add to that that Tyler said I could share with Shaade and Megan, both amazing and far stronger than I am, and I was a bit freaked out. First of all, we were using the heavy bar (45#) and I always use the 20# (learner) bar. Then they added a 10# plate to each side so we were starting at 65# for back squats. I was scared to death, but I pulled it off. 5 back squats at 65#. That felt good, and, I don't know, empowering? Next round was 4 back squats, another 10# plate on each side, so that was 85#, and I did it. Now for 3 back squats, add another plate to each side, now 105#.....and I did it. Add some more weight, this time 5# to each side, so 2 back squats at 115#, and I did those too. Now, we were down to 1 final back squat, and Shaade took off the 5# plates she had added the round before and replaced them with 10# plates, 125#. Could I do a back squat at 125#? Surely not.....but I did. and it didn't hurt, it felt freaking great!!!
Now it's time for the WOD. There were 2 to choose from, both the same concept, just different focus. I did WOD 1 which was as follows:
10 Power Cleans (rx was 75#, I did 65#)--1 Push Press (65#)
9 Power Cleans (65#)--2 Push Press (65#)
8 Power Cleans (55# from here on)--3 Push Press
7 Power Cleans--4 Push press
6 Power Cleans--5 Push press
5 Power Cleans--6 Push Press
4 Power Cleans--7 Push Press
3 Power Cleans--8 Push press
2 Power Cleans--9 Push Press
1 Power Clean--10 Push Press
I finished in 11:29. That was tough, and still today, I feel like my shoulders are going to shred at any moment. It was brutal but good. I wish I had had time for the 2nd WOD, which would have been fun too:
10 Wall Ball Shots--1 Wall Ball Sit Up
9 Wall Ball Shots--2 Wall Ball Sit Ups
8 Wall Ball Shots--3 Wall Ball Sit Ups
so on and so forth until:
1 Wall Ball Shot--10 wall ball sit-ups
It felt so good to go work out, even though at first I didn't want to go. I found a new personal best. I didn't finish dead last for the first time in a LONG time, and I got the opportunity to cheer on some of my favorite people who always cheer me on. It is nice to get to return the favor. It feels good to be able to give back to those people what they always give to me.
There won't be a WOD tonight, it's my running day. I'll be heading out at 9:00 with my next door neighbor for a run at 9:00. My goal tonight is to maintain a consistent interval. I am running in my neighborhood, so it'll be run to the next drive way, walk to the next drive way. Run to the next, walk to the next. I'm wondering if by doing this consistently from the beginning I can maintain a more steady pace and maybe make it further than I did last week. I'll post once I'm done.
Biscuit.
When I got there I was feeling a bit better and knew that the workout would make me feel better but I had no idea how much better.
Observation #1--doing pull-ups, knees to Elbows or anything that requires hanging from the bar, when it is cold...SUX!!! I must get gloves, and soon, because just hanging there hurt.
This week at the box we are working on strength skills and finding our max. Yesterday we did back squats. It was the first time I have ever done back squats, so I was scared to death. Add to that that Tyler said I could share with Shaade and Megan, both amazing and far stronger than I am, and I was a bit freaked out. First of all, we were using the heavy bar (45#) and I always use the 20# (learner) bar. Then they added a 10# plate to each side so we were starting at 65# for back squats. I was scared to death, but I pulled it off. 5 back squats at 65#. That felt good, and, I don't know, empowering? Next round was 4 back squats, another 10# plate on each side, so that was 85#, and I did it. Now for 3 back squats, add another plate to each side, now 105#.....and I did it. Add some more weight, this time 5# to each side, so 2 back squats at 115#, and I did those too. Now, we were down to 1 final back squat, and Shaade took off the 5# plates she had added the round before and replaced them with 10# plates, 125#. Could I do a back squat at 125#? Surely not.....but I did. and it didn't hurt, it felt freaking great!!!
Now it's time for the WOD. There were 2 to choose from, both the same concept, just different focus. I did WOD 1 which was as follows:
10 Power Cleans (rx was 75#, I did 65#)--1 Push Press (65#)
9 Power Cleans (65#)--2 Push Press (65#)
8 Power Cleans (55# from here on)--3 Push Press
7 Power Cleans--4 Push press
6 Power Cleans--5 Push press
5 Power Cleans--6 Push Press
4 Power Cleans--7 Push Press
3 Power Cleans--8 Push press
2 Power Cleans--9 Push Press
1 Power Clean--10 Push Press
I finished in 11:29. That was tough, and still today, I feel like my shoulders are going to shred at any moment. It was brutal but good. I wish I had had time for the 2nd WOD, which would have been fun too:
10 Wall Ball Shots--1 Wall Ball Sit Up
9 Wall Ball Shots--2 Wall Ball Sit Ups
8 Wall Ball Shots--3 Wall Ball Sit Ups
so on and so forth until:
1 Wall Ball Shot--10 wall ball sit-ups
It felt so good to go work out, even though at first I didn't want to go. I found a new personal best. I didn't finish dead last for the first time in a LONG time, and I got the opportunity to cheer on some of my favorite people who always cheer me on. It is nice to get to return the favor. It feels good to be able to give back to those people what they always give to me.
There won't be a WOD tonight, it's my running day. I'll be heading out at 9:00 with my next door neighbor for a run at 9:00. My goal tonight is to maintain a consistent interval. I am running in my neighborhood, so it'll be run to the next drive way, walk to the next drive way. Run to the next, walk to the next. I'm wondering if by doing this consistently from the beginning I can maintain a more steady pace and maybe make it further than I did last week. I'll post once I'm done.
Biscuit.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Perspective
It is all about perspective I guess.
I woke up this morning, late, and feeling hung over, though I doubt 3 beers on Saturday night translate to a Monday morning hang-over. I'm sore, my ears are stopped up, and I just wanted to stay in bed on this dreary, gray, cold day. I laid there in bed rationalizing that I could miss today's workout, "no big deal". After all, I was late waking up, no time to shave my legs, my stuff isn't packed for the workout, what would it hurt to miss it? But then I got up and moving and convinced myself to pack my workout clothes anyway.
I got to work, sauntered in, wishing I didn't have to be here. The parking lot was empty this morning, thanks to it being Columbus day, fall break, and cold and dreary, there are NO students here today. I even posted on Facebook how I didn't really want to work out, it was one of THOSE days where I'd go anyway, even though I didn't want to. Then one of my amazing CrossFit Apex friends posted and told me to look at it from a different point of view. I don't HAVE to work out today, but I GET to work out today. Which led me to a bit of a guilty feeling about the fact that I CAN workout, and so many people CAN'T.
There are thousands of people in this country who can't work out for one reason or another, they are limited physically, or mentally, but either way, they just aren't able to get in a workout. I CAN. I have an amazing husband who will be home with our daughter after dance class for 2 hours before I get home. I have an awesome mom who will be taking the other 2 to swim team, and they'll get home about 10-15 minutes before I do probably. I have a supportive sister who will help chauffeur my 6 year old from school to dance class. No one is mad at me for going to work out, they are all proud of me for taking the time to make myself healthier. So who am I to complain about going to work out, when there are a ton of people with less supportive families and friends than I have?
So, it's all about perspective. Do I necessarily WANT to go workout today? No. But I CAN go workout today, and I WILL go workout today. I will do it in the cold, and I won't push any less than if I was 100% in the mood for the workout. I owe it to my supportive friends and family to make the best of every opportunity to work out. I owe it to my kids to be the best role model possible. I owe it to myself to find my full potential as a woman. I want to know just how much this body can do, and right now, it is hand-cuffed with years of fat and sedentary lifestyle. So, I'll go, and I'll push, and I'll bust my ass, because in all seriousness, that's how I will know what I am really made of.
So, to CrossFit I go tonight....and I'll post about it tonight once I get home.
Biscuit
I woke up this morning, late, and feeling hung over, though I doubt 3 beers on Saturday night translate to a Monday morning hang-over. I'm sore, my ears are stopped up, and I just wanted to stay in bed on this dreary, gray, cold day. I laid there in bed rationalizing that I could miss today's workout, "no big deal". After all, I was late waking up, no time to shave my legs, my stuff isn't packed for the workout, what would it hurt to miss it? But then I got up and moving and convinced myself to pack my workout clothes anyway.
I got to work, sauntered in, wishing I didn't have to be here. The parking lot was empty this morning, thanks to it being Columbus day, fall break, and cold and dreary, there are NO students here today. I even posted on Facebook how I didn't really want to work out, it was one of THOSE days where I'd go anyway, even though I didn't want to. Then one of my amazing CrossFit Apex friends posted and told me to look at it from a different point of view. I don't HAVE to work out today, but I GET to work out today. Which led me to a bit of a guilty feeling about the fact that I CAN workout, and so many people CAN'T.
There are thousands of people in this country who can't work out for one reason or another, they are limited physically, or mentally, but either way, they just aren't able to get in a workout. I CAN. I have an amazing husband who will be home with our daughter after dance class for 2 hours before I get home. I have an awesome mom who will be taking the other 2 to swim team, and they'll get home about 10-15 minutes before I do probably. I have a supportive sister who will help chauffeur my 6 year old from school to dance class. No one is mad at me for going to work out, they are all proud of me for taking the time to make myself healthier. So who am I to complain about going to work out, when there are a ton of people with less supportive families and friends than I have?
So, it's all about perspective. Do I necessarily WANT to go workout today? No. But I CAN go workout today, and I WILL go workout today. I will do it in the cold, and I won't push any less than if I was 100% in the mood for the workout. I owe it to my supportive friends and family to make the best of every opportunity to work out. I owe it to my kids to be the best role model possible. I owe it to myself to find my full potential as a woman. I want to know just how much this body can do, and right now, it is hand-cuffed with years of fat and sedentary lifestyle. So, I'll go, and I'll push, and I'll bust my ass, because in all seriousness, that's how I will know what I am really made of.
So, to CrossFit I go tonight....and I'll post about it tonight once I get home.
Biscuit
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Bullying
October is National Anti-Bullying Month and there is no time like the present to address this issue in this little space of mine. I have to say that I was never bullied as a child, and I pray that my children never are, but the reality is, statistically speaking, at least one of my children will face this in their lifetime.
I was led to post this after sing this news story/editorial on Emily Joy (from BL13) facebook page. I guess I am left to wonder what this world is coming to. How is it that any person watches the news and thinks to themselves, "Gee, I don't think that news personality realizes she is overweight when she looks in the mirror every day, maybe I should send her an email and drive home her responsibilities as a role model." Who does that?
For anyone who is wondering, though I don't think any of my friends could possibly be this dense, anyone is overweight/obese is painfully aware of their situation. It's not like we look in the mirror in the morning and say, "hmmmm, look at that beautifully skinny woman looking back at me. I look hot, I am skinny, healthy, and have a perfect body. That scale must be wrong, or someone is standing behind me putting their foot on it." What we shouldn't do, though most of us are guilty of it, is attach our self-worth to the number on the scale. As the reporter puts it so eloquently, "I am more than a number on a scale".
All of this doesn't just apply to weight, it applies to anything. Weight, looks, acne, sexual preference, height, you name it. Bullying and disrespect are learned behaviors. No one is born knowing how to be hateful and disrespectful to others, these are learned behaviors. So be a responsible parent and role model to your children by teaching them to treat others with the same dignity and respect that you would want to be treated. Teach your children tolerance rather than hatred, and love rather than bullying.
Biscuit
I was led to post this after sing this news story/editorial on Emily Joy (from BL13) facebook page. I guess I am left to wonder what this world is coming to. How is it that any person watches the news and thinks to themselves, "Gee, I don't think that news personality realizes she is overweight when she looks in the mirror every day, maybe I should send her an email and drive home her responsibilities as a role model." Who does that?
For anyone who is wondering, though I don't think any of my friends could possibly be this dense, anyone is overweight/obese is painfully aware of their situation. It's not like we look in the mirror in the morning and say, "hmmmm, look at that beautifully skinny woman looking back at me. I look hot, I am skinny, healthy, and have a perfect body. That scale must be wrong, or someone is standing behind me putting their foot on it." What we shouldn't do, though most of us are guilty of it, is attach our self-worth to the number on the scale. As the reporter puts it so eloquently, "I am more than a number on a scale".
All of this doesn't just apply to weight, it applies to anything. Weight, looks, acne, sexual preference, height, you name it. Bullying and disrespect are learned behaviors. No one is born knowing how to be hateful and disrespectful to others, these are learned behaviors. So be a responsible parent and role model to your children by teaching them to treat others with the same dignity and respect that you would want to be treated. Teach your children tolerance rather than hatred, and love rather than bullying.
Biscuit
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Emotinoal Shift
Well, I said I would be honest even when it wasn't a fun thing to do. I have been struggling with my mental readiness for a major change in lifestyle for a long time. I really think that the reason that I haven't been successful thus far in making this change is because I haven't been mentally ready for it. I have to make a major mental shift. I have got to begin to understand and interact with food in a different way. I have always viewed food as a friend, a confidant, my only refuge from a bad day. The reality is, food is FUEL, nothing more. The purpose of food is to fuel my body for the necessary daily activities. Food should be fueling my workouts and helping my body to do what it was built to do, which is to move, exercise and function.
I need to get myself in the right place mentally as I begin to take on workouts and make physical changes, I need to delve into the mental part of this change as well. I have 3 books that are already paid for and downloaded and on my Nook, waiting for me to read. I have "The Skinny Rules" by my dream trainer, Bob Harper; "Necessary Endings" by the unmatched Henry Cloud; and "The Primal Blueprint" by Mark Sisson. The next step is to read these books and try to find a workout plan that fits my daily routine and schedule. If anyone is a domestic diva with experience balancing a full-time work schedule, 6 day a week workouts, and 3 children ages 8 and under; all while keeping a house livable, food on the table and kids bathed, I'd welcome and appreciate your assistance.
For now, the plan looks something like this.....
Monday, Wednesday and Friday---Swim in the mornings, getting to the gym at about 5:30 and swimming for 30 to 45 minutes. In the evenings after the kids are in bed, I will be doing Turbo Jam, from Beach Body.
Tuesday and Thursday---I will be doing short jogs of 30 minutes, with a 5k on every Saturday until I get my 5k time under 35 minutes, at which point I will start a half marathon training plan of some sort.
This should leave me "free" during the weekday evenings to work on housework, etc. I'm going to have a cleaning/painting party at my house the week of June 25 if anyone feels the undying urge to help me clean my house from top-to-bottom, you are more than welcome to come help.....
Here's to laying the foundation for a life-long change....I want this so bad, and it is so worth fighting for, I just need to figure out how to make it fit MY life.
I need to get myself in the right place mentally as I begin to take on workouts and make physical changes, I need to delve into the mental part of this change as well. I have 3 books that are already paid for and downloaded and on my Nook, waiting for me to read. I have "The Skinny Rules" by my dream trainer, Bob Harper; "Necessary Endings" by the unmatched Henry Cloud; and "The Primal Blueprint" by Mark Sisson. The next step is to read these books and try to find a workout plan that fits my daily routine and schedule. If anyone is a domestic diva with experience balancing a full-time work schedule, 6 day a week workouts, and 3 children ages 8 and under; all while keeping a house livable, food on the table and kids bathed, I'd welcome and appreciate your assistance.
For now, the plan looks something like this.....
Monday, Wednesday and Friday---Swim in the mornings, getting to the gym at about 5:30 and swimming for 30 to 45 minutes. In the evenings after the kids are in bed, I will be doing Turbo Jam, from Beach Body.
Tuesday and Thursday---I will be doing short jogs of 30 minutes, with a 5k on every Saturday until I get my 5k time under 35 minutes, at which point I will start a half marathon training plan of some sort.
This should leave me "free" during the weekday evenings to work on housework, etc. I'm going to have a cleaning/painting party at my house the week of June 25 if anyone feels the undying urge to help me clean my house from top-to-bottom, you are more than welcome to come help.....
Here's to laying the foundation for a life-long change....I want this so bad, and it is so worth fighting for, I just need to figure out how to make it fit MY life.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
THE DREAM IS ALIVE!!!!!
The dream remains alive, and my dream is even more in reach than it ever has been. After traveling to Orlando to attend the casting call for BL12, I said Iw ould only do another casting call if there was a casting in the Raleigh area, and even then, only if the show was casting individuals. There are multiple reasons that I didn't want to do a show that was cast as teams, primary among them is the fact that I didn't want to have to play the inherent games involved if you are trying to keep a partner safe, etc; and I didn't get this heavy with a partner to encourage me, I really need to get the weight off and learn to depend on myself. As I said in my May 20th post; http://shrinkingkrista.blogspot.com/2012/05/isnt-it-amazing.html, Being forced to depend on myself has been a wonderful learning experience. Of course, the other very obvious problem was that I never had a partner that was able to commit to going to a casting call, doing an audition video or being on the ranch with me.
I am so excited to say that The Biggest Loser casting team, and specifically, Holland Striplin, who I have wanted to meet for a few years. On July 14, I will be headed out to the Biggest Loser 14 casting call at Rex Wellness center, in Knightdale, NC, just north of Raleigh. I am excited that Emily Joy from BL13 and Heba and Ed from BL 6 will all be there. I am hoping to get to meet 1 if not all of them!
My body-type is very similar to that of Emily Joy's. Her starting weight last season was 264 pounds, and I am currently at 265 pounds. Her ending weight was 162 pounds, which is where I was when I graduated high school, so seeing her transition gave me hope for what I could look like if I was successful.
I am so glad to see that The Biggest Loser will still be a force for good in the lives of people at least for another season. I am also glad to see that they appear to be taking the show in a completely different direction that it went last season. Last season was painful to watch with way too much drama.
I'll keep everyone posted if I hear anything.
Krista
I am so excited to say that The Biggest Loser casting team, and specifically, Holland Striplin, who I have wanted to meet for a few years. On July 14, I will be headed out to the Biggest Loser 14 casting call at Rex Wellness center, in Knightdale, NC, just north of Raleigh. I am excited that Emily Joy from BL13 and Heba and Ed from BL 6 will all be there. I am hoping to get to meet 1 if not all of them!
My body-type is very similar to that of Emily Joy's. Her starting weight last season was 264 pounds, and I am currently at 265 pounds. Her ending weight was 162 pounds, which is where I was when I graduated high school, so seeing her transition gave me hope for what I could look like if I was successful.
I am so glad to see that The Biggest Loser will still be a force for good in the lives of people at least for another season. I am also glad to see that they appear to be taking the show in a completely different direction that it went last season. Last season was painful to watch with way too much drama.
I'll keep everyone posted if I hear anything.
Krista
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Isn't it amazing
What the body can do, when you take your mind out of the driver's seat? I started the 5k today, and it was truly the first race that I have ever started and had no one with me, no one to lean on, no one to encourage me, this one was ALL up to me. I made sure my iPod was charged overnight so as to not have a repeat of the very boring, and uninspired Princess Half Marathon attempt with no tunes. I decided at the beginning to make sure I was in teh very back of the pack when the race started. You see, at the beginning of the Princess Half, I wanted to be in the front of my corral, my logic was sound (get as far ahead of the balloon ladies as possible), but the overwhelming sense of failure and solitude that rained down on me very quickly after crossing the start line was incredibly difficult to reconcile. I can remember telling the guy on the bike who was encouraging me to catch the balloon lady that I was physically fine, but emotionally devastated. That was the only way to describe how it felt to start at the front of my corral, knowing there were hundreds of runners behind me, and then get passed like I was standing still by nearly every, single one of them. I decided on a different approach for today's race, and started myself in the very back, you see, that way, I knew no one was going to pass me. I put my headphones on, and I started moving. I was the one passing folks, not many, and not at the speed that I got passed, but I was in control. I found myself jogging, and singing, and really enjoying this solitude. The fact that this race happened on a Sunday morning, in one of my favorite of God's creations, the beach, didn't hurt either. I called on God to get me strength and perserverance. I was reminded of one of my favorite scriptures, which is VERY LOOSELY about running, Hebrews 12:1 which says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." The fact of the matter is, every single person out there running was running a different race. We all had our own experiences, reasons, and justifications for what we were out there doing, but I really feel like fitness is the race that God has put before me.
The first mile went really well, and I realized fairly quickly, that it isn't my joints (ankles, knees etc) that are keeping me from the running that I want to do, but my cardiovascular endurance. My lungs are what gives out on me, each and every time. So, I plan to embark on a rigorous schedule of swimming, running and other cardiovascular exercise to build up this endurance. I felt pretty good after the first mile, and we were headed up a small hill where we got dumped back in with the half marathoners around their mile 4.5, our mile 1.5 I'm guessing. After we saw the 1 mile mark for the 5k, we never saw another milemarker for the 5k'ers on the course. I haven't decided yet whether this is a good or a bad thing, because I just kept going and thinking, "Have we really not gone 2 miles yet?!?! Seriously?!?! HOw is that possible?!?!?! The fact was, we had gone 2 miles, and honestly, before I knew it, we had gone 3 miles, and some very sweet ladies were handing myself and some of the other runners/walkers (read turtles) our tiaras and boas so that we could finish the Diva in style. I finished my 2nd 5k in 52:15, which is about 1 minute and 26 seconds slower than my last 5k, not a trend I intend to continue. THe best part of today was that when I crossed the finish line, my VERY handsome and amazing husband was there waiting for me. Probably a good thing I didn't see him until after I had my medal, my rose, my ginger ale and my bagel, because had I seen him approaching the finish line, I would have been a puddle of tears. maybe my finishing photo won't be too bad, since I was able to hold it all together...who knows!
As I said above, I am going to be embarking on a training plan to build my cardiovascular endurance so that on November 4th, I can finish my first ever half marathon. I am doing this in an attempt to get a good corral placement for the Princess Half Marathon next February. In a perfect world, I'd like to finish in under 2 1/2 hours, but in reality, it is much more likely to be around 3 1/2 hours. I am starting the couch-to-5k training plan, then picking up the Jeff Galloway half marathon training plan. The Battleship half has a pace requirement of 4 hours, and a dedicated start for those that are going to walk, and it is an hour earlier than the runners...there's a nice switch.
At any rate, another notch in the fitness journey belt...with many more to come. I told my husband this weekend that it is my plan to get myself into shape, and then do 1 destination endurance race each year. My bucket list of races is increasing, specifically, the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco (No medals in this race, just a tiffany necklace, handed to you by a firefighter in a tux), the NYC ING marathon, and the Goofy. The Goofy is a Half marathon on Saturday, and a full marathon on Sunday. Oh--and in 3 years, the year that I turn 40, rather than celebrating with a trip to a far off beach resort to drink myself into oblivion like so many people I know, I fully intend to earn my Coast-to-Coast medal at Disney, which means I have to run a full or a half at Disney Land, and Disney World in the same calendar year...in orther words, 2 races, 3 medals....I like the sounds of that!!!
Until next time!
By the way, my favorite slogan I saw on a shirt today? "A goal is nothing more than a dream with a finish line!" I like that one, A LOT!!
Krista
The first mile went really well, and I realized fairly quickly, that it isn't my joints (ankles, knees etc) that are keeping me from the running that I want to do, but my cardiovascular endurance. My lungs are what gives out on me, each and every time. So, I plan to embark on a rigorous schedule of swimming, running and other cardiovascular exercise to build up this endurance. I felt pretty good after the first mile, and we were headed up a small hill where we got dumped back in with the half marathoners around their mile 4.5, our mile 1.5 I'm guessing. After we saw the 1 mile mark for the 5k, we never saw another milemarker for the 5k'ers on the course. I haven't decided yet whether this is a good or a bad thing, because I just kept going and thinking, "Have we really not gone 2 miles yet?!?! Seriously?!?! HOw is that possible?!?!?! The fact was, we had gone 2 miles, and honestly, before I knew it, we had gone 3 miles, and some very sweet ladies were handing myself and some of the other runners/walkers (read turtles) our tiaras and boas so that we could finish the Diva in style. I finished my 2nd 5k in 52:15, which is about 1 minute and 26 seconds slower than my last 5k, not a trend I intend to continue. THe best part of today was that when I crossed the finish line, my VERY handsome and amazing husband was there waiting for me. Probably a good thing I didn't see him until after I had my medal, my rose, my ginger ale and my bagel, because had I seen him approaching the finish line, I would have been a puddle of tears. maybe my finishing photo won't be too bad, since I was able to hold it all together...who knows!
As I said above, I am going to be embarking on a training plan to build my cardiovascular endurance so that on November 4th, I can finish my first ever half marathon. I am doing this in an attempt to get a good corral placement for the Princess Half Marathon next February. In a perfect world, I'd like to finish in under 2 1/2 hours, but in reality, it is much more likely to be around 3 1/2 hours. I am starting the couch-to-5k training plan, then picking up the Jeff Galloway half marathon training plan. The Battleship half has a pace requirement of 4 hours, and a dedicated start for those that are going to walk, and it is an hour earlier than the runners...there's a nice switch.
At any rate, another notch in the fitness journey belt...with many more to come. I told my husband this weekend that it is my plan to get myself into shape, and then do 1 destination endurance race each year. My bucket list of races is increasing, specifically, the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco (No medals in this race, just a tiffany necklace, handed to you by a firefighter in a tux), the NYC ING marathon, and the Goofy. The Goofy is a Half marathon on Saturday, and a full marathon on Sunday. Oh--and in 3 years, the year that I turn 40, rather than celebrating with a trip to a far off beach resort to drink myself into oblivion like so many people I know, I fully intend to earn my Coast-to-Coast medal at Disney, which means I have to run a full or a half at Disney Land, and Disney World in the same calendar year...in orther words, 2 races, 3 medals....I like the sounds of that!!!
Until next time!
By the way, my favorite slogan I saw on a shirt today? "A goal is nothing more than a dream with a finish line!" I like that one, A LOT!!
Krista
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Death of a dream....
Okay--So this whole situation with The Biggest Loser, the walk-out of a couple of contestants, etc has led to what I am certain is the death of a dream for a lot of people. As a person who is overweight, we (I shouldn't speak for everyone, but I feel comfortable that most would agree with me) just want to be able to be "normal". Most of us have tried about everything possible to do it, including surgery, pills, diet plans, personal trainers, you name it. For the last 13 seasons, The Biggest Loser has been that magic pill for hundres of people who have lost thousands of pounds collectively. They have gone on to give back to their communities, they have opened boot camps, started their own gyms, gotten certified as personal trainers, and just been amazing people. There are a lot of critics to the Biggest Loser and what it is, and the speed with which these contestants lose weight, but you really can't argue with success. I know in the early seasons there were some pretty questionable tactics used to "dehydrate" the contestants, but for all I'vve read, those are things that haven't been happening on recent seasons.
If I'm being 100% honest with myself and everyone else, I have to say, I think the death of this show is going to fall on the producers who decided that casting an entire season of selfish drama queens with a million excuses would be a good idea. Most of us folks that are tipping the scale have legitimate reasons why we are the size that we are, but a million excuses for why we haven't been able to change it. casting and entire season of nothing but those people had "drama" and "entertainment" written all over it. Unfortunately, It also had failure written all over it. The long-time fans of the show have been polarized, there are even entire facebook pages set-up to degrade and talk about the contestants that some viewers don't like this season. The reality is, this season is going to be the train-wreck that derails one of the most inspirational shows about weight-loss that I have ever encountered.
Last night on the show, the remaining 5 contestants got wind of a challenge that would bring back one of the eliminated contestants and give them the opportunity to earn their way into the finale. The sad fact is, the remaining 5 snowballed into a pile of self-pity and selfishness that left them sitting around a table by the pool on a huge ranch built to help them succeed, offering another woe-is-me story of how they were being treated unfairly. What didn't appear to matter to them was that the same contracts that they signed were also signed by the other contestants indicating that the eliminated contestants would be given this opportunity, and the final 5 felt that they were being duped and taken advantage of. There was absolutely no concern for the eliminated contestants who likely went home, busted their butts, and continued to work, knowing they were going to get this opportunity, and hoping for that one last shot to prove themselves, succeed, and make it to the finale and a 1 in 3 shot at $250,000. I was literally yelling at my TV saying, "What if you had been eliminated, and were chomping at the bit for this challenge, and the show took it away from YOU because of the final 5 spoiled brats threw a temper tantrum and threatened to quit." But alas, the footage was over 2 months old, and they couldn't hear me.
The reality is, I feel horribly sorry for the thousands of people who sat in line at a casting call for hours on end for that 1 ten minute opportunity to talk to a casting director with 10 other people at a table in the hopes of getting this amazing opportunity. I feel horribly sorry for those people because the opportunity was given to people who were too selfish to be good stewards of the opportunity they were given. I have been there.
In March of 2011, I showed up to a casting call at 7:05 in the morning and was #162 in line to see the casting directors. I chatted with the ladies around me in the line, and got to know a lot about them. I didn't see the casting director until 1:30 in the afternoon, and our group got an unheard of 16 minutes, rather than 10 with that casting director. I then sat by the phone until 11:30 that night, waiting for either a call asking me to come in for an interview, or Holland Weathers to post on her FB page that all call backs had been made, and if you didn't get one, "Be sure to send in a video too, for us to consider." I had already done my video, and never heard another thing from the casting directors, so I wasn't going to get a chance at BL12. The casting for BL13 started, and I didn't go to a casting call or send in a video. I did, however, pre-register for the season's casting, and was ecstatic to get an e-mail from a casting director. I later learned that the e-mail I had received was a glitch, not intended to be sent to me, and they were sorry. I have been in the shoes of every person who has ever applied and not gotten the opportunity to go to the rance. I have felt like BL was my only chance. If I could just get the chance to train with Bob, Jillian, Dolvett, Cara or Brett or any of the other trainers that have been in the BL gym in the last 13 seasons, I would finally have the tools to not only get rid of all this excess weight, I would have the knowledge, tools and confidence to keep it off. Here's the catch....
All of the people who have auditioned for the Biggest Loser, like me have felt like they needed a huge amount of help to get to that goal of being fit and healthy. They took the first step toward that goal by asking for help to get there and recognizing the need to get healthy. If you know someone who has auditioned for this, or any other weight-loss show, offer them some support. Offer to go to the gym with them. Be their Jillian, Bob or Dolvett for them. Most of us want nothing more than to get healthy, but that is an overwhelming concept when you have half of your body weight to lose to get there. I need the support, love, understanding and help from the people in my life. I need for someone to offer to watch the kids, so I can go to the gym. I need someone to go to the gym with me because, quite frankly, do you know how intimidating it is to walk into a gym at twice your healthy weight? Let's just say, it feels like every person in the gym is staring at you constantly. I need for someone to go shopping with me and help me buy healthy foods. I need someone to teach me how to cook those healthy foods in a way that is delicious and doesn't taste like either a science experiment gone bad or a piece of cardboard. All of us who have auditioned for The Biggest Loser know we need help. Since we didn't make it on the show, and in all liklihood there will never be a BL14 and so on, offer your help, support an encouragement to someone who needs it. We don't like being overweight, and we need the love and support to get healthy.
The Biggest Loser has been the "Magic Pill" for weightloss that thousands of people have hoped for since it premiered years ago. I know for sure there are people who have auditioned 5-10 times. It isn't that we don't want to get healthy, we just don't know where to start. Since it appears that yes another "magic weight loss pill" is going to be taken away, are you willing to help your friends and loved ones get there without it? Are you willing to stand beside them, help them, cry with them, go to the gym with them, and help them get there without a TV show? If so, please offer them your help. It will mean more to them than you can even imagine. Trust me on this one, I know....
If I'm being 100% honest with myself and everyone else, I have to say, I think the death of this show is going to fall on the producers who decided that casting an entire season of selfish drama queens with a million excuses would be a good idea. Most of us folks that are tipping the scale have legitimate reasons why we are the size that we are, but a million excuses for why we haven't been able to change it. casting and entire season of nothing but those people had "drama" and "entertainment" written all over it. Unfortunately, It also had failure written all over it. The long-time fans of the show have been polarized, there are even entire facebook pages set-up to degrade and talk about the contestants that some viewers don't like this season. The reality is, this season is going to be the train-wreck that derails one of the most inspirational shows about weight-loss that I have ever encountered.
Last night on the show, the remaining 5 contestants got wind of a challenge that would bring back one of the eliminated contestants and give them the opportunity to earn their way into the finale. The sad fact is, the remaining 5 snowballed into a pile of self-pity and selfishness that left them sitting around a table by the pool on a huge ranch built to help them succeed, offering another woe-is-me story of how they were being treated unfairly. What didn't appear to matter to them was that the same contracts that they signed were also signed by the other contestants indicating that the eliminated contestants would be given this opportunity, and the final 5 felt that they were being duped and taken advantage of. There was absolutely no concern for the eliminated contestants who likely went home, busted their butts, and continued to work, knowing they were going to get this opportunity, and hoping for that one last shot to prove themselves, succeed, and make it to the finale and a 1 in 3 shot at $250,000. I was literally yelling at my TV saying, "What if you had been eliminated, and were chomping at the bit for this challenge, and the show took it away from YOU because of the final 5 spoiled brats threw a temper tantrum and threatened to quit." But alas, the footage was over 2 months old, and they couldn't hear me.
The reality is, I feel horribly sorry for the thousands of people who sat in line at a casting call for hours on end for that 1 ten minute opportunity to talk to a casting director with 10 other people at a table in the hopes of getting this amazing opportunity. I feel horribly sorry for those people because the opportunity was given to people who were too selfish to be good stewards of the opportunity they were given. I have been there.
In March of 2011, I showed up to a casting call at 7:05 in the morning and was #162 in line to see the casting directors. I chatted with the ladies around me in the line, and got to know a lot about them. I didn't see the casting director until 1:30 in the afternoon, and our group got an unheard of 16 minutes, rather than 10 with that casting director. I then sat by the phone until 11:30 that night, waiting for either a call asking me to come in for an interview, or Holland Weathers to post on her FB page that all call backs had been made, and if you didn't get one, "Be sure to send in a video too, for us to consider." I had already done my video, and never heard another thing from the casting directors, so I wasn't going to get a chance at BL12. The casting for BL13 started, and I didn't go to a casting call or send in a video. I did, however, pre-register for the season's casting, and was ecstatic to get an e-mail from a casting director. I later learned that the e-mail I had received was a glitch, not intended to be sent to me, and they were sorry. I have been in the shoes of every person who has ever applied and not gotten the opportunity to go to the rance. I have felt like BL was my only chance. If I could just get the chance to train with Bob, Jillian, Dolvett, Cara or Brett or any of the other trainers that have been in the BL gym in the last 13 seasons, I would finally have the tools to not only get rid of all this excess weight, I would have the knowledge, tools and confidence to keep it off. Here's the catch....
All of the people who have auditioned for the Biggest Loser, like me have felt like they needed a huge amount of help to get to that goal of being fit and healthy. They took the first step toward that goal by asking for help to get there and recognizing the need to get healthy. If you know someone who has auditioned for this, or any other weight-loss show, offer them some support. Offer to go to the gym with them. Be their Jillian, Bob or Dolvett for them. Most of us want nothing more than to get healthy, but that is an overwhelming concept when you have half of your body weight to lose to get there. I need the support, love, understanding and help from the people in my life. I need for someone to offer to watch the kids, so I can go to the gym. I need someone to go to the gym with me because, quite frankly, do you know how intimidating it is to walk into a gym at twice your healthy weight? Let's just say, it feels like every person in the gym is staring at you constantly. I need for someone to go shopping with me and help me buy healthy foods. I need someone to teach me how to cook those healthy foods in a way that is delicious and doesn't taste like either a science experiment gone bad or a piece of cardboard. All of us who have auditioned for The Biggest Loser know we need help. Since we didn't make it on the show, and in all liklihood there will never be a BL14 and so on, offer your help, support an encouragement to someone who needs it. We don't like being overweight, and we need the love and support to get healthy.
The Biggest Loser has been the "Magic Pill" for weightloss that thousands of people have hoped for since it premiered years ago. I know for sure there are people who have auditioned 5-10 times. It isn't that we don't want to get healthy, we just don't know where to start. Since it appears that yes another "magic weight loss pill" is going to be taken away, are you willing to help your friends and loved ones get there without it? Are you willing to stand beside them, help them, cry with them, go to the gym with them, and help them get there without a TV show? If so, please offer them your help. It will mean more to them than you can even imagine. Trust me on this one, I know....
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
The story of my body
Okay, so I have a friend that has been running a series on her blog called "The Story of My Body". It has been an intriguing series, because regardless of who has written the blog about their body, we have some really similar issues in our histories. Regardless of whether or not we have ever had true weight issues, or ben an athlete our entire lives, there are very common threads and reactions to our thinking that we have all faced. I have agreed to write the story of my body for her to use on her blog. The interesting thing about this process that I have undertaken in the last week is that it has been so cathartic for me and helped me to put some words down on paper that I have never really processed for myself. Writing the story of my body has helped me to see a truth that I have never felt 100% comfortable with because it meant I would have to admit that regardless of my size or the number on the scale, I am worth something. That I might actually deserve better than disrespect. This process has been so helpful for me, that I am going to post the story of my body here on MY blog as well. I don't have nearly the readership that Brea does, so I have no fear that I am pre-empting her blog by doing so since my blog is so personal, and ony includes my close personal friends and family. Part of this was very difficult for me because it made me face some truths that while painful for me at the time, might hurt my family by me posting them here. I want to tell everyone that I know to the absolute core of my soul that no one in my family ever did anything knowing in advance that it would hurt me emotionally. I have a very loving family. I always think about Dr. Phil's theory that guilt implies intent. My family needn't feel guilty for the things that hurt me for two reasons: 1--They never had any malicious intent and 2--they can't help how I took the things that happened. I have always been very insecure and assumed the worst about myself so sometimes, well-intended advice or commentary became hurtful to me. So, without further adieu....Here is the story...The story of MY body:
The Story of My Body: Krista
It sounds pretty odd, but I have never really been connected to my body. I have always (since very early in childhood) had a distorted image of what my body looked like and what it was capable of. I have always attributed this to coming from a home where everyone was far more concerned about building my self-esteem, than being honest about what food was doing to my body, and the bodies of my family members. These family members were always very well-intended but not being 100% honest about our family reality made me question their honesty and integrity in what they told me about my body.
I can remember more times than I would like to count when my mom uttered the phrase, “Don’t eat that, you don’t want to be fat like me.” She said it with the best of intentions, but what really happened was that I started to believe those school bullies who picked on me solely because my mom was fat. I swore to myself I would never let her down and turn into the fat girl she desperately didn’t want me to be. I am sure you can imagine my devastation when the first child in the 6th grade uttered THOSE words, “You’re fat just like your Mom.” I couldn’t believe it; I had let her down and become everything she never wanted me to be, and everything I swore I would never allow myself to become. I immediately embarked on yet another “diet” which quickly turned into me not eating anything except dinner to keep mom and dad off the trail of my anorexia. That, plus hours of working out as a volleyball player and a basketball player worked for a while until my attitude turned ugly from the lack of appropriate nutrition. I had amazing friends that forced me to choke down something at lunch, and a teacher that watched me and reported my eating habits to my parents, and they took me to the doctor who scared me into eating again. The sad truth is that I wasn’t accepting enough of myself, body mind and spirit, to realize that while the number on the scale was bigger than the number on my friends’ scales, it didn’t mean I was “fat”. My body was built with more curves than the average 11 year old, and I just didn’t know how to embrace that. I looked different than my friends. I had boobs, a butt and hips. I had a J-Lo booty before it was fashionable and desirable, or spoken about for that matter.
There is more than just a physical piece to my journey; there is also a HUGE emotional component. A large portion of the experiences I have had have been incredibly difficult emotionally. Even the things that were a success physically have felt like a massive failure in the emotional arena. I don’t really know if this is because folks have felt the need to protect my feelings by lowering my expectations and making me feel like it is ok for me to not succeed; or maybe there was a need to be sure that my very athletically inclined sister didn’t feel that I had infringed upon her territory by actually excelling athletically. I made the volleyball and basketball teams in middle school, which I admittedly only tried out for because she didn’t make it, and I felt I had something to prove. To this day, I have family members who discount my making those teams as being because the coaches just liked me better personally because, “Even you must admit that your sister is better than you.” Do these people even know how much it hurts to have your few physical accomplishments minimized and disregarded? Do they care? Who knows. The fact remains, I don’t care anymore. I know what I am capable of doing because I HAVE DONE it. I have lost 40 inches off my body in 3 months. I have made athletic teams that my own family didn’t think would be possible.
Since my middle school years I have been an emotional eater. I have gained 8 pounds in a day. I have been diagnosed with binge eating disorder. I have tried every “diet” known to man. I’ve done the grapefruit diet, the beet diet, the Atkins, a medically supervised diet with shakes and B12 shots, Weight Watchers and even the South Beach diet. I’ve auditioned for The Biggest Loser and The Revolution. I have even investigated the possibility of having Gastric Bypass or Lap Band surgery. Just for the record, I don’t feel like these surgeries are an easy way out, they just aren’t right for me with my blood clotting disorder and the fact that I have 3 children I need to be around to raise, and dying due to a blood clot to my lungs or brain just doesn’t fit into my already jam-packed schedule.
My body has carried my 3 beautiful children to term. It has also betrayed me, by allowing my precious Henry to die in my womb, and having to go through 24 hours of labor without an epidural to have him. (Remember that clotting disorder? Well, the drugs to prevent clots also mean an epidural can paralyze you, so no epidural it was.) While I feel like my body betrayed me, I also know that all of this was for a purpose known only to God.
I have spent years being afraid of my body, and feeling like life was just unfair because of what my body does with food. I am afraid of compliments, and question their voracity. I question the vision and the sincerity of the people that offer them. I have been friends with “those” women; you know the ones, the girls that complain about not being able to gain weight. In all honesty, I married into a family of healthy weight people. I go out to dinner with my sister-in-law and her husband, and my husband. I ask for a box to take home my leftovers, and the waitress looks at me as if to ask, “How are you the fat one?” You see my husband and his family look like they have licked their plates clean and are all healthy weights, if not bordering on skinny. I have recently realized that whether it is fair or not, my body processes food differently than many of my friends. It may be because of my year or so of anorexia slowing my metabolism down to a crawl. It may be that my family history has reared its ugly head, and I am genetically pre-disposed to be a bigger girl with a lot of curves. Regardless of those possibilities, I refuse to accept them as my only option, and my destiny. I am going to be embarking on a training plan to run a half marathon this November in preparation for the Princess half Marathon at Disney World next February. I attempted it this year, but due to a foot and ankle injury and because I don’t have a history of health and fitness, I didn’t even begin to realize what I needed to do to be ready for a half marathon. Now, the idea of a full marathon is eating away at my psyche.
The interesting thing about this is that the mind can play such horrible tricks on us. I have been told that I am beautiful. I have had folks claim I couldn’t possibly weigh what I do, because I don’t look like it. When I auditioned for The Biggest Loser, numerous people told me that I didn’t get on the show because I’m not heavy enough. I even remember being in college, deciding to tell the truth about my weight on my driver’s license, and having the DMV employee tell me that wasn’t possible, so SHE lied about my weight on my license, even though I told HER the truth. But I just DON’T see it! I don’t see beautiful. I don’t see myself in the mirror the way that others apparently see me. My mind has spent the last 25 years telling me that my worth was determined by the number on the scale, not by who I am as a woman. I think the simplest explanation for this is that very early on my mind became hyper-sensitive to weight, and thus, I have since looked at myself in the mirror, through a pair of weight-centric glasses. Doing so has made me spend too much time focusing on the number on the scale, rather than the reality of who I am as a person. We all live in such a superficial world, where people talk about our looks and we are bombarded with unrealistic, airbrushed images of women who themselves don’t look like the ads we compare ourselves to.
I think we ALL need to learn that who we are as people has nothing to do with the number that is on the scale. The circumstances of our lives do NOT determine our value or our worthiness. The fact that I was raped at a party in college is irrelevant. The fact that my first husband found it entertaining to call me degrading and disgusting names and threaten my life doesn’t matter. What others think of the image they see when I walk toward them means nothing. More importantly, the image I see looking back at me in the mirror and the size of that image doesn’t mean a hill of beans about the kind of woman that I am. I have put this body of mine through the wringer. I have been anorexic, and double my ideal weight. I have carried 4 babies, and have 3 amazing children to show for it. I have had 3 cesarean sections to deliver my amazing children, and one “natural” delivery to have my angel that now lives in heaven. I have gained weight, and I have lost weight. I have a college degree which I busted my butt for. I was a teacher until I decided not to be anymore. I am a loving and generous woman. I love to dance and I try to sing, even though I know I can’t. I am a girly girl who loves sports, and would take a night at a sports bar with beer and wings over a mani and pedi any day. I am a walking contradiction, but I am who God made me to be. I have the exact body that God intended me to have. My refusal to accept this body and be a good steward of the gift God has given me has been irresponsible at best. Love me or don’t, take me or leave me, I am who I am. Those are the things that really matter, not the number on the tag in the waistband of my pants.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Epiphany of all Epiphanies!
Tonight I got smacked in the face with a realization that has never really computed before.
First, I saw the following quote on a friend of mine's facebook page,
First, I saw the following quote on a friend of mine's facebook page,
"Love yourself. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself and be good to yourself because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things. - Leonardo Buscaglia" Thank you for posting this Andrea Canady Logan!!!
Then, this evening, I spent hours talking to and connecting with some women who I used to work with when I was teaching. It felt so awesome to be interacting with them and catching up! I hadn't seen one of them since I quit teaching in April, and I really enjoyed talking to her!
You see, I came home from my evening with friends and had to "text or facebook" the host when I got here because it was after midnight and she wanted to be sure I had made it home safely. I got online to do that and began chatting with another person who I had the privilige of getting to know as a colleague, who has also since left the teaching profession. After chatting with her for a while, I went over to check into another online group that I have been in contact with for years. All of a sudden it hit me. I have been so far unplugged from my life because I've been too damn busy being plugged in to all the little technological devices that our amazing world has invented. It seems I can't go a day without checking my 4 e-mail addresses, facebook, twitter, and other online connection groups. As a result of all of this online social networking, I've not been the wife or mother that my husband and children deserve, or, quite frankly, that Krista that I deserve!!
So, here's the plan to test this theory I have come up with. It seems to me that if my life became so fragmented and unplugged when all these little techology decided were added into it, that removing some of them will free up a lot of time to get myself back on track and where I want to be as a person. So, from now, until further notice, I will only allow myself to be on facebook or twitter, text or online at all, for that matter, during the hours that I am at work. I will allow myself to blog each evening about this before I go to bed, which means, no computers, or cell phones or anything from the time I pull into my driveway, until I get ready for bed, typically around 11:00 in the evening. When I log on in the evening, I will be limiting myself to checking the weather for the following day and updating my blog. I am going to dedicate myself to getting healthy both physically and mentally in the new year. Time to unplug all the stupid technology, and plug back into who I am as a person, and who I have always wanted to be.
I am going to keep this commitment until June 1 of 2012, and hold myself accountable. I can't say that I will "try" because as I have heard more times than I can count, thank you yoda, "There is no try, there is only DO!" Trying gives one permission to fail, and seeing as how I've perfected that little manuever, it's time to perfect a new one....succeeding!!!!
Good bye, Krista of 1975-2011, Welcome, Krista of 2012 and beyond!!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
A HUGE moment of clarity for me!
Well, I have been struggling with the decision about whether or not to try out for The Biggest Loser, season 13, and yesterday, everything kind of piled up and smacked me in the face. Darn reality checks....so, first, let me tell you about all the things that happened, then I will tell you about my decision.....
I have had a struggle internally since I first thought of applying for "The Biggest Loser" back in season 2 or 3, when Justin was a Baby. My struggle then, now and every season in between was, "Would I really be able to leave my children for 4-5 months?" I mean, let's be honest, being fit, healthy, in shape, and $250,000 richer would be AMAZING, but I just don't know that I could handle being separated from my kids for that long. Last year I auditioned as a favor to my mom who was absolutely mortified that I had sought information about possibly having gastric bypass surgery. She feared for my safety, so offered to pay for me to travel to the open casting call in Orlando, FL. The CC was an amazing experience and I met some really amazing people both online and in person from this amazing experience...but the questions still remained.
Yesterday, Barney and I went for our fitness assessment at the new gym we just started at, and met with a trainer who was absolutely AMAZING! In our conversation, she talked about teaching us how to work out when we aren't with her, (something my previous trainer never once did, I can only assume his reason was to make me dependent on him so I had to continue to pay him and he would get richer as I got thinner.) In that conversation she mentioned that the only "diet" she ever recommends is "Weight Watchers" because they actually teach you how to eat in a way that you can sustain for a lifetime. She kept repeating the phrase, "All things in moderation".....
So last night, at a bit before midnight I was perusing twitter one last time before bed, and came across a post from Olivia Ward who won BL11. She had just posted a new blog (check out http://www.myfitspiration.com/) and I went over to read it before retiring. Olivia was very honest about people questioning her about her workout regime and whether it would be sustainable for the remainder of her life. I won't even try to share the entirety of her thoughts, but I did glean from it that she felt like what worked for her wouldn't likely work for everyone else, and that it was about finding balance in our lives. She is going from working out 8 hours a day on the Biggest Loser Ranch to being home and only working out 90 minutes a day.
In the very moment that I finished reading Olivia's post I instantly knew a few things:
1--I CANNOT leave my children for 5 months, regardless of my motivation for doing so
2--the transition back to reality after BL would be VERY difficult for me. If I lost all of my weight and was successful, I would spend my life worrying about putting the weight back on and failing.
3--Weight Watchers is my best option. I have so much to lose, I'd rather do it here, in my own home, tucking my kids in every night. My life is NOT about immediate gratification, at all, so what if it takes me a year or 2 to get the weight off, I'd rather do it that way than miss the time with my kids, including this Christmas.
So, with all of that said, I will not be applying for The Biggest Loser season 13. I admire all of the people who have gone on the show and successfully transitioned back to real life, but I am just not so sure I could handle that. Besides that, I love my babies way to much to risk missing 5 months of "Justin Snuggles", "Ada Pats", and Ella running around like a wild woman. With as many questions as I have about my ability to be away from them for that long, I refuse to take a spot from someone who knows they could handle it (assuming I was cast, which isn't all that likely) and then 6 weeks in missing my children so much that I choose to leave the ranch. I get so angry when people on the ranch accept an amazing opportunity for training with the world's best, the possibility of winning $250,00 and then walk away because they can't handle it, or want to go home. In Orlando last year, I stood in line with what I was later told ended up being around 5,000 people just to get a shot. Knowing that it would be that big of a struggle for me to commit to, I won't even risk taking the opportunity from someone else.
I have had a struggle internally since I first thought of applying for "The Biggest Loser" back in season 2 or 3, when Justin was a Baby. My struggle then, now and every season in between was, "Would I really be able to leave my children for 4-5 months?" I mean, let's be honest, being fit, healthy, in shape, and $250,000 richer would be AMAZING, but I just don't know that I could handle being separated from my kids for that long. Last year I auditioned as a favor to my mom who was absolutely mortified that I had sought information about possibly having gastric bypass surgery. She feared for my safety, so offered to pay for me to travel to the open casting call in Orlando, FL. The CC was an amazing experience and I met some really amazing people both online and in person from this amazing experience...but the questions still remained.
Yesterday, Barney and I went for our fitness assessment at the new gym we just started at, and met with a trainer who was absolutely AMAZING! In our conversation, she talked about teaching us how to work out when we aren't with her, (something my previous trainer never once did, I can only assume his reason was to make me dependent on him so I had to continue to pay him and he would get richer as I got thinner.) In that conversation she mentioned that the only "diet" she ever recommends is "Weight Watchers" because they actually teach you how to eat in a way that you can sustain for a lifetime. She kept repeating the phrase, "All things in moderation".....
So last night, at a bit before midnight I was perusing twitter one last time before bed, and came across a post from Olivia Ward who won BL11. She had just posted a new blog (check out http://www.myfitspiration.com/) and I went over to read it before retiring. Olivia was very honest about people questioning her about her workout regime and whether it would be sustainable for the remainder of her life. I won't even try to share the entirety of her thoughts, but I did glean from it that she felt like what worked for her wouldn't likely work for everyone else, and that it was about finding balance in our lives. She is going from working out 8 hours a day on the Biggest Loser Ranch to being home and only working out 90 minutes a day.
In the very moment that I finished reading Olivia's post I instantly knew a few things:
1--I CANNOT leave my children for 5 months, regardless of my motivation for doing so
2--the transition back to reality after BL would be VERY difficult for me. If I lost all of my weight and was successful, I would spend my life worrying about putting the weight back on and failing.
3--Weight Watchers is my best option. I have so much to lose, I'd rather do it here, in my own home, tucking my kids in every night. My life is NOT about immediate gratification, at all, so what if it takes me a year or 2 to get the weight off, I'd rather do it that way than miss the time with my kids, including this Christmas.
So, with all of that said, I will not be applying for The Biggest Loser season 13. I admire all of the people who have gone on the show and successfully transitioned back to real life, but I am just not so sure I could handle that. Besides that, I love my babies way to much to risk missing 5 months of "Justin Snuggles", "Ada Pats", and Ella running around like a wild woman. With as many questions as I have about my ability to be away from them for that long, I refuse to take a spot from someone who knows they could handle it (assuming I was cast, which isn't all that likely) and then 6 weeks in missing my children so much that I choose to leave the ranch. I get so angry when people on the ranch accept an amazing opportunity for training with the world's best, the possibility of winning $250,00 and then walk away because they can't handle it, or want to go home. In Orlando last year, I stood in line with what I was later told ended up being around 5,000 people just to get a shot. Knowing that it would be that big of a struggle for me to commit to, I won't even risk taking the opportunity from someone else.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Reality Check
So, the reality of my weight has really set in at this point. I have lost 27 pounds and 39 inches since my casting call in March in Florida, which has me feeling really good. I have gotten a lot of compliments on how much better I am looking. The fact remains, that even with that much weight loss, I looked at the pictures from the beach this week, and reality just bitch-slapped me across the face. Pardon my language, and I hope no one is offended, but that is truly the best description for how I feel right now. I have been been relishing my progress, and been so proud of what I have done, and that has not changed. I was very proud when I put my (maternity) bathing suit on and for the first time since having Ella, the skirt on the front of my maternity suit was so long it was noticable that my suit was a maternity suit. It was also so long that the bottom was not visible.
I looked in the mirror on the way to the beach one day and thought to myself, "you've come a long way, but dear LORD do you have a LONG way to go." For the first time in my life I am NOT discounting the success I have had so far, but I am also being very realistic about the journey and how long it is going to be before I look like I want to look. In an unheard of act of self-awareness (at least for me) I am going to post one of the pictures that slapped me back into reality about how much further I have to go on this insane journey.
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So--here it is, the picure from the beach that has woken me up to how much more work I have to do to get where I want to be. This is also the reason that I have decided that I will definitely be auditioning for The Biggest Loser, season 13. If I don't make it on to Season 13, I have every intention of being too small to audition for BL 14 if one exists. So, here goes....
I looked in the mirror on the way to the beach one day and thought to myself, "you've come a long way, but dear LORD do you have a LONG way to go." For the first time in my life I am NOT discounting the success I have had so far, but I am also being very realistic about the journey and how long it is going to be before I look like I want to look. In an unheard of act of self-awareness (at least for me) I am going to post one of the pictures that slapped me back into reality about how much further I have to go on this insane journey.
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