Next step in the process...

This morning I went to the hospital for my swallow study/upper GI.  Fortunately there was on endocsopy so my nerves about gagging/throwing up on the radiologist were completely unnecessary.

First he gave me what looked like a shot glass of "crystals" to form gas bubbles in my esophagus and stomach.  I was supposed to try NOT to burp.  These little crystal things were like POP Rocks candy on steroids.  It is completely impossible to not burp.  Then he gave me some barium to drink which did help keep the air bubbles down, but was the consistency of liquid chalk.  Then I had to lay down in various different positions to have my esophagus and stomach x-rayed.  Then I got to drink some MORE but slightly less thick barium so they could watch the barium go down.

The radiologist said that everything looked good.

Krista

Decisions....

Since my previous post was met with a great deal of upset and comments on FB that seem cryptic in nature, I figure I may as well go ahead and answer the question that people are probably scratching their heads about.

I have made a decision to pursue weight loss surgery.  This has not been an easy decision, or one that I have reached without a great deal of prayer, discussion with my husband, research soul-searching.  I know that there are inherent risks to this surgery, and I know that there are complications that I need to be prepared to face in case I end up having to face those complications.

I used to think that surgery was the "easy way out" but the reality is, there is NO easy way out.  My other long-held opinion about weight loss surgery appears to be a valid one.  I didn't get fat overnight, and I won't get skinny over night either.  This is not a magic fix, or anything of the sort.  Weight Loss surgery is a tool to help myself, and other morbidly obese people reach their health and weight loss goals.

To be fair, there has been no shortage of diets, weight loss plans, or supplements that I have availed myself of, and for the most-part, I have had little to no success.  The most I have ever lost on any one program was Weight Watchers, 12 years or so ago, when I lost a total of 24 pounds.  Immediately after ceasing paying for and attending WW meetings, I immediately started gaining weight back.  I have been told that I'm just too lazy to continue to work for it, and various other things about this surgery.

While I totally understand and respect my family's concern for my safety I have to do what I feel is best for me.  I know that weight loss surgery can be a very polarizing issue, I only ask that any comments about my decision be respectful.

Krista

I just DON'T get it!

You know, I am at time left confused and wondering how things have come to be the way they are in this big wide world. and the reality it there is no good answer.  I hear judgment all the time, be it about someone being fat, skinny, gay, Christian or Muslim, Republican or Democrat, choose the topic, and there is inevitable judgment from the people who don't fit the particular label or stereo type addressed.  I am not immune from this judgment, and have participated in a great deal of it myself, which I am ashamed to admit, but refuse to lie about it.

What I keep coming back to is that regardless of the circumstance, judgment hurts someone.  We have all made decisions on a daily basis, and all of us have loved ones that make decisions that we may or may not agree with.  I have friends and family that don't subscribe to my political beliefs, my religious beliefs, and how I parent.  Guess what, that is their right.

We don't all have to agree, but what I do believe is that with varying opinions, if you want for someone to respect your beliefs and opinions you need to be willing to respect their beliefs and opinions.  Re-read that last statement, I didn't say Like, or accept, I said "respect".  There is a HUGE difference.  I don't necessarily like the parenting decisions all of my friends make, but I respect the fact that they are parents and are doing what they feel and believe is right for their family.  Respect goes a long way with family members, friends, and acquaintances, and lack of respect is just hurtful.

Each person needs to live their lives and do the things that are best for them, and what they believe to be right.  It is NOT a personal affront to you just because your opinion may oppose mine.  I don't understand this theory that a differing opinion entitles someone to state that opinion as loudly, and as as often as they choose until the person with the differing opinion comes around to your way of thinking and now shares your perspective.

Respect goes a LONG way folks, and remember, if you want to get it, you typically have to give it.  Respect is a 2-way street.

Krista

Stepping Back

Sometimes in life, it's time to step back, and re-examine what you have on your agenda. 

I registered for the Glass Slipper Challenge in June, before I knew the extent to which my foot was messed up and how long I would be wearing a ridiculous boot.  The fact is, it is August again, and I still weigh 265 pounds.  While I would dearly love to complete the Inaugural Glass Slipper Challenge, and do so in grand style, my current health, weight and physical ability begs the question, "Is that even realistic?"  I always try to be a realist, not a pessimist or an optimist, but a realist. 

The realist in me says, "Come on, Krista.  It ain't gonna happen."  While I would like to argue with that inner voice, I think it's right.  I mean, really.  I have 3 kids, I'm coaching 2 softball teams this fall, and I work full time.  The next time I toe the line at Walt Disney World for a race I want to know in the deepest part of my heart that I am prepared, and ready to finish that race in under 3 hours.  I had said when I quit at mile 10 this year that I wouldn't return to Disney for 2 years, when I was at a healthier weight, and totally trained and prepared for the race. 

I got caught up in the magic that is Disney and I registered, and I shouldn't have.

So now I need to figure out what to do with my race entry. 

Sometimes being a realist sucks, but I'll thank myself for it when I finish the Glass Slipper Challenge in 2015, and get my pink coast-to-coast medal, all on the weekend right around my 40th birthday. 

now, it's time to kick the healthy lifestyle and training into gear to start training now for what I want to do in about 18 months! 

My Reality

As a woman who has suffered with Clinical depression for years, and never been all that willing to accept it, sometimes life kicks me in the ass, and situations make me stand up and acknowledge the reality of who I am.  I am in that place right now.

Some of you may remember that this past January, my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.  He is only 64 years old, but there is some conjecture that his Alzheimer's is progressing at an increased rate due to his exposure to Agent Orange during the Vietnam War, and whatever cause "Gulf War Syndrome" as he suffered from that as well.  My father has always been one of the lights of my life, and my hero.  He has always been a positive force in my life and one that can make all of us laugh when we have needed it the most.  Needless to say, the idea of losing that connection and personality is terrifying to me. 

Most of you also know that my mother was diagnosed 10 years ago with Multiple Sclerosis.  This was an equally devastating diagnosis because of all of the unknowns.  I had never known anyone that I could think of (other than Montel Williams) that had been diagnosed with MS.  As it turns out, my mother has "Relapsing Remitting" one of the more slowly progressing forms of this terrible disease, and as a result, a weekly shot and a few times in the last 10 years she's had a few days of IV steroids, but really, not much worse off, especially now that she knows what causes her symptoms to flare up and is very vocal about it when those things start to happen.

All-in-all, my sister and I have decided that we're pretty screwed in the brain department, but there's not much that we can do about that.  The thing is though, that the gravity of a father with Alzheimer's and a mother with MS just really hit me in the head this morning, and with the clinical depression I've struggled with for years, I feel like I have taken a huge hit.  My mom can't devote her time 100% to taking care of daddy, because she has to take care of herself or risk ending up in a full-blown MS exacerbation.  Daddy can't take care of mom like he has the last 10 years, because quite frankly, while he's still in pretty good shape mentally, he is struggling to some extent with remembering the little things that he did yesterday, so if he promised mom he would do something, it may or may not happen.  As their daughter I feel like I need to step up in some meaningful way to help my parents navigate this mine-field of aging with neurological disorders, but I feel wholly under-equipped for the job.  I work full time, I have 3 kids, and a husband, and a house and a life of my own.  This isn't to say that I don't owe to my parents to help out, I absolutely do, but how?  when?  Thus the feeling that I have fallen down a hole.  My brain is overwhelmed with what my reality is at the moment, and I just really don't even know what to do about it at this point.  

Yes, I know the simple and obvious answers, make sure I'm taking my medicine and maybe talk to a counselor, but that won't change my reality and the fact that I have two parents with major neurological disorders for which there is no cure.  I also need to get back to exercising, because I could really use some of those endorphins.  Sometimes being an adult just sucks.  I've always said there wasn't enough money in the world to make me wish I was young again, but at the moment, teenage ignorance of what was to happen 20 years later (now) sounds pretty damn good to me....

FINALLY.....

The blasted boot is OFF!!!  I've spent my fair share of time in braces and boots, but 7 weeks in that thing, in the middle of a North Carolina summer was NO FUN!!!  At this point we are planning on no surgery, physical therapy for the next 4-6 weeks, twice per week, to work on flexibility, ankle strength and getting my foot back in "exercise" shape. 

In the meantime, it's a matter of swimming and walking/running in the pool to keep the stress off the ankle.  We'll see what the physical therapist has to say.  I'm so ready to get moving again.  I wanted desperately to swim or SOMETHING while I was in the boot, but he told me absolutely NOT!  He wanted me on complete rest, if I wasn't walking to the bathroom, or to the office, I was not to be on the foot. 

So I'm in the process of scheduling a PT appointment at the location that just happens to be in my gym.  I want them to help me come up with exercises that will help to build cardio while the foot continues to heal.  I desperately want to go back to CrossFit, but with the crazy work hours that the beginning of the school year bring, I just don't see how that will be possible for at least the next month or so. 

Back on the road, and headed toward a Princess Half Marathon that I entirely plan to OWN this year!

Krista

My Husband Rocks!!!

So.....sometimes the things that annoy me, I have found, can shine a light in places that I never knew were eating away at me.  

Barney has adopted a new habit, when we travel or spend extended periods of time alone, in a car, or something, that he asks me what can only be described as probing questions to learn more about me and my past.  The reality is, we have been together for 11 year, so one would think that there was NOTHING that we didn't know about each other that was relevant, but the reality is, these questions have made me examine things in a different way.  I know that he asks these questions to enlighten himself, but this last weekend, I have awakened to a new reality for myself.  

I have always had a very negative image of myself, both physically and emotionally.  I never knew WHY I felt these negative things, but they just seemed to be my truth.  I was fat, I was ugly, and I was unworthy.  I was unworthy of love, positive attention, positive feedback, and anything positive in general.  

So in all of these questions, Barney basically called BS on me the other day for my negative feelings about myself.  He pointed out that in High School, there was no shortage of boys that were interested in being my boyfriend.  In college, I had a few boyfriends.  I've been married before, and dated a guy between my ex-husband and Barney for about 6 months.  Clearly, there was something about me that had attracted quite a few gentlemen over the years.  So it made me wonder, was he right?  Has everything I've ever believed about myself been totally off base?  Have a been wrong about who and what I was in the eyes of others for 30+ years?  More importantly, how does one discern this about themselves?  If I think I have figured this out, how do I test my hypothesis?  Well, the answer is, you ask questions.  

So, last night, when I signed into Facebook, I saw that a friend of mine from high school, who at one point had expressed a possible interest in me, was signed in.  because this brief interest was something we had discussed completely for informational purposes in the past, I didn't feel like it would be out of line to ask him about it.  So I first explained that I had no expectations, that I didn't want anything sugar-coated, and asked some of the questions that I was curious to know the answers to.  

Without going into details, we will just say that my hypothesis was proven to an extent.  So, here's the reality of what I have put together that has helped me to put the puzzle pieces together.  So here goes my understanding.....

My parents did so many things over the years, and during my childhood, to encourage me, and teach me, and show their love for me.  So, the idea that my negative feelings would be attributed to my parents hurts me.  The reality is, some of the things that they did with the best of intentions caused negative outcomes that they never intended.  I love them dearly, and they are amazing parents, but some things just affected me in a way that was never the way they intended.  Let me also say, that I don't "blame" them for ANYTHING, because blame implies intent, which they never had.

My mom was never, and still isn't an overly confident woman.  She has always questioned her validity, and been disappointed in her appearance.  She has struggled with her weight my entire life, and as a result, has had very low self-esteem and self-worth.  These were all of her own insecurities and struggles, but as a child, I heard, and continue to hear, how I am just like my mother.  But if she doesn't think SHE'S worth anything, and I'm just like her, how could I be worth anything?  

As I got older, in an effort for my parents not to be REALLY young grandparents, my dad spent a lot of time explaining the male psyche and the motivations of a teenage boy, which as most of us adults know, revolve primarily around their groin.  

Add together the idea that I'm not worthy, I'm fat and I'm ugly to the idea that boys are interested in one thing, and you are left with a young woman who thinks that the only reason any man would express an interest in her is for their own physical needs, because clearly, why else would they be interested in me?  It didn't make sense.  

Suffice it to say, thanks to the probing questions of my amazing and loving husband, his willingness to call BS on my negative self-image, and the willingness of an old friend to answer questions that may have been a bit of a blind-side with some self-serving questions when I'm certain that he has bigger fish to fry.  

So--I have to say that I feel like I am starting to see myself in a whole new way.  I am starting to accept the things that others have said about me over the years.  I'm going to start to accept the positive things that I hear and believe my husband from now on when he calls me on my BS.  I have the best, most understanding husband EVER!!!