A HUGE moment of clarity for me!

Well, I have been struggling with the decision about whether or not to try out for The Biggest Loser, season 13, and yesterday, everything kind of piled up and smacked me in the face.  Darn reality checks....so, first, let me tell you about all the things that happened, then I will tell you about my decision.....

I have had a struggle internally since I first thought of applying for "The Biggest Loser" back in season 2 or 3, when Justin was a Baby.  My struggle then, now and every season in between was, "Would I really be able to leave my children for 4-5 months?"  I mean, let's be honest, being fit, healthy, in shape, and $250,000 richer would be AMAZING, but I just don't know that I could handle being separated from my kids for that long.  Last year I auditioned as a favor to my mom who was absolutely mortified that I had sought information about possibly having gastric bypass surgery.  She feared for my safety, so offered to pay for me to travel to the open casting call in Orlando, FL.  The CC was an amazing experience and I met some really amazing people both online and in person from this amazing experience...but the questions still remained. 

Yesterday, Barney and I went for our fitness assessment at the new gym we just started at, and met with a trainer who was absolutely AMAZING!  In our conversation, she talked about teaching us how to work out when we aren't with her, (something my previous trainer never once did, I can only assume his reason was to make me dependent on him so I had to continue to pay him and he would get richer as I got thinner.)  In that conversation she mentioned that the only "diet" she ever recommends is "Weight Watchers" because they actually teach you how to eat in a way that you can sustain for a lifetime.  She kept repeating the phrase, "All things in moderation".....

So last night, at  a bit before midnight I was perusing twitter one last time before bed, and came across a post from Olivia Ward who won BL11.  She had just posted a new blog (check out http://www.myfitspiration.com/) and I went over to read it before retiring.  Olivia was very honest about people questioning her about her workout regime and whether it would be sustainable for the remainder of her life.  I won't even try to share the entirety of her thoughts, but I did glean from it that she felt like what worked for her wouldn't likely work for everyone else, and that it was about finding balance in our lives.  She is going from working out 8 hours a day on the Biggest Loser Ranch to being home and only working out 90 minutes a day. 

In the very moment that I finished reading Olivia's post I instantly knew a few things:
1--I CANNOT leave my children for 5 months, regardless of my motivation for doing so
2--the transition back to reality after BL would be VERY difficult for me.  If I lost all of my weight and was successful, I would spend my life worrying about putting the weight back on and failing. 
3--Weight Watchers is my best option.  I have so much to lose, I'd rather do it here, in my own home, tucking my kids in every night.  My life is NOT about immediate gratification, at all, so what if it takes me a year or 2 to get the weight off, I'd rather do it that way than miss the time with my kids, including this Christmas. 

So, with all of that said, I will not be applying for The Biggest Loser season 13.  I admire all of the people who have gone on the show and successfully transitioned back to real life, but I am just not so sure I could handle that.  Besides that, I love my babies way to much to risk missing 5 months of "Justin Snuggles", "Ada Pats", and Ella running around like a wild woman.  With as many questions as I have about my ability to be away from them for that long, I refuse to take a spot from someone who knows they could handle it (assuming I was cast, which isn't all that likely) and then 6 weeks in missing my children so much that I choose to leave the ranch.  I get so angry when people on the ranch accept an amazing opportunity for training with the world's best, the possibility of winning $250,00 and then walk away because they can't handle it, or want to go home.  In Orlando last year, I stood in line with what I was later told ended up being around 5,000 people just to get a shot.  Knowing that it would be that big of a struggle for me to commit to, I won't even risk taking the opportunity from someone else.

Reality Check

So, the reality of my weight has really set in at this point.  I have lost 27 pounds and 39 inches since my casting call in March in Florida, which has me feeling really good.  I have gotten a lot of compliments on how much better I am looking.  The fact remains, that even with that much weight loss, I looked at the pictures from the beach this week, and reality just bitch-slapped me across the face.  Pardon my language, and I hope no one is offended, but that is truly the best description for how I feel right now.  I have been been relishing my progress, and been so proud of what I have done, and that has not changed.  I was very proud when I put my (maternity) bathing suit on and for the first time since having Ella, the skirt on the front of my maternity suit was so long it was noticable that my suit was a maternity suit.  It was also so long that the bottom was not visible. 

I looked in the mirror on the way to the beach one day and thought to myself, "you've come a long way, but dear LORD do you have a LONG way to go."  For the first time in my life I am NOT discounting the success I have had so far, but I am also being very realistic about the journey and how long it is going to be before I look like I want to look.  In an unheard of act of self-awareness (at least for me) I am going to post one of the pictures that slapped me back into reality about how much further I have to go on this insane journey. 

So--here it is, the picure from the beach that has woken me up to how much more work I have to do to get where I want to be.  This is also the reason that I have decided that I will definitely be auditioning for The Biggest Loser, season 13.  If I don't make it on to Season 13, I have every intention of being too small to audition for BL 14 if one exists.  So, here goes....

BL 13?!?!

They have just recently made some new announcements about The Biggest Loser 13 changes and casting, and I think I'm going to try 1 more time for the show.  They are doing a casting call in Charlotte, NC, a mere 3 hours from our house, and I can make the trip overnight and not incur huge expenses.  I would appreciate your support as I try 1 more time to get this much-needed help with my weightloss journey!

Krista

Decisions, Decisions

Well--I no longer work at the gym, and I have to say, that while I met some really amazing people there (including my new boss), It was probably one of the worst decisions I have ever made professionally.  I am thankful for the opportunity to meet my new boss, but the majority of my experience there was certainly NOT positive!  I was treated so poorly at the end of my employment, I didn't even finish working the notice I had turned in.  This is totally out of character for me, but when I am left in tears by mis-treatment and the management's response is simply "That's fine, you can't let that get in the way of doing your job.  Your work is unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances today." it is time for me to go.  I know that this isn't the way people behave in all gyms, but the behavior where I was working was frighteningly unprofessional in more ways than I can even discuss here. 

So--As of July 11, 2011, I will be working for ACS.  ACS is a subsidiary of the Xerox Corporation, and I will be working on outsourced benefits for some pretty big corporations that contract with ACS to administer their benefits.  It sound slike this job will be pretty fast-paced, and busy.  I think this is going to be an excellent opportunity, and the benefits are awesome. 

As for my weightloss journey, well, it has stalled a bit.  I'm still hovering right around 240-241, and the remainder of this journey is going to be far more difficult than the beginning.  I cannot afford to continue to pay a personal trainer, so I'm going to have to find a way to do this on my own.  If The Biggest Loser comes to the Carolinas to cast for Season 13 I will likely audition, otherwise, I will simply send in an application and a video.  The fact is, I've got to continue this journey, with or without help.  Both trainers I have worked with in the last few months have informed me that without their help, I'm certain to gain all of my weight back, plus some, and I REFUSE to allow them to be right.  I am still planning on registering for the Princess Half Marathon, which I will run on my birthday, February 26, 2012.  My 36th birthday gift to myself was heading out on the weightloss journey and getting healthy, and the culmination of that trip will be completing the half marathon.  I am going to do this....

If anyone knows a personal trainer in this are, willing to help out someone who is struggling and needs the support, Please feel free to give them my name and refer them to my blog.  I need help, but can't afford to pay for it right now. 

Thanks....until next time.....

Krista